Does any one have any good jokes?

Question

10 pts to the person with the funniest one

Answer 1

Little Johnny finally gets the shiny red bike he has been wanting for christmas. He rides the bike all day, and it starts to become dark. He pulls up to a stop sign next to an officer on a horse. The officer says to Johnny "did Santa bring you that new shiny red bike for christmas?" Little Johnny smiles and replies "he sure did!" The officer says "well next year, tell santa to put a tail light on the bike" and proceeds to issue little johnny a $25 ticket. Little johnny asks the officer "did santa bring you that horse for christmas?" The officer, humoring little johnny, replied "he sure did." Little johnny replies "well, next year, tell santa to put the d*** underneath the horse instead of on top of it."

Answer 2

All right, not the funniest but fresh off the message board from Alpha Gamma hall:

Q)Why dont the Mexicans have an olympic team???

A) Because anyone who can swim and jump are already in America

Answer 3

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Answer 4

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Answer 5

The CIA was recruiting for new agents. They narrowed it down to three finalists. They were told that there was one final test. Your wife is in the next room, take this gun and kill her. The first guy goes in and immediately comes out and says he can't do it. The second guy goes in, stays a few minutes, and comes out crying announcing he can't do it. The gun is handed to the third guy. He says let me at her. As soon as he walks in you hear bang, bang, bang. Then you hear an awful commotion, chairs flying, tables being overturned and then it gets silent. The guy walks out and says, you guys should have told me the gun was loaded with blanks, I had to kill her with a chair.

Answer 6

1. A duck walks into a store. He asks the clerk, "Got any grapes?" The clerk is annoyed and says no. The next day, the duck repeats the previous day's routine, and the answer is still no. On the third day, after the duck asks the clerk, the clerk angrily replies, "Listen, bird, if you come in here one more time and ask me if I have any more grapes, I am going to nail you to the floor!" The duck silently walks away. The next day, the duck quietly comes in. "Got any nails?" He asks the clerk, who replies, "No..." "Good." The duck says. "Got any grapes?"

2. Jimmy had a stroke of bad luck. He prayed to God that his Uncle didn't die. The next day, his uncle died. He prayed to God that his Grandmother didn't die. The next day, she died. He prayed to god his brother didn't die. The next day, his brother died. Jimmy was very sad, and hoped God would give him a chance. He prayed to God that his father didn't die. The next day, the mailman died.

3. Louis came home one day and decided to use a trick he learned from one of his friends. He walked up to his mom and said, "Mom, I know everything." She stared at him, shocked, and gave him $50, making him promise he wouldn't tell his father. He then went up to his father and said, "Dad, I know everything." His father was equally shocked and gave him $100, making him promise he wouldn't tell mom. Louis was happy, and decided to see if he could make money off of other adults. So when the mailman came over to deliver the mail, he went up and said, "Mr.Mailman, I know everything." The mailman got tears in his eyes and went down on his knees. Then he spread his arms open and said, "Then come to your father, son."

Vying for those 10 points....

Answer 7

A husband everyday goes to work and leaves his wife at home, he wasn't making enough money, but some how the bills were been paid, he didn't ask any question, one raining day he came home early to a big surprise, a man was running out his back door, so he ask his wife, Who is he? she replied, thats the man who pays our bills, so her husband said to her, go and get him out the rain before he gets sick and can't pay our bills.

Answer 8

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up." said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Answer 9

talk to the guy under u his joke is pretty good.do u think u can gimme pts for pointing u to the funniest joke!!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

Why did God create women beautiful, but dumb?

So the men will love the woman and the woman will love the men!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA