Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Lately i have been scaring my friend and have him convinced that his house is haunted. I have done moved things on him, flipped his pictures and furniture upside down, made scarey noises, had doors slam, and made him think that his tv is possessed. It was all fun but now i need bigger and better. I am trying to drag this on till april fools day. Help?

2007-02-23 10:47:14 · 12 answers · asked by curious 2

Its jollyrancher,which flavor is it?First one to get it write wins 10 points!!here are the flavore choices,

~GRAPE
~STRAWBERRY
~CHERRY
~APPLE
OR
~BLUEBERRY.

FIRST ONE TO GET IT WRITE WINS 10 POINTS!!!!!

2007-02-23 10:34:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

2007-02-23 10:30:05 · 8 answers · asked by P!NK 5

2007-02-23 10:28:40 · 6 answers · asked by Katie 5

Can you tell me why my teacher wouldn't mark this?

White rabbits wait for
Their Ku Klux Klan uniforms
Straight from the cleaners

2007-02-23 10:23:18 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-23 10:18:15 · 12 answers · asked by Bella baby! 2

I am going to give the best answer to sombody that has a low percentage of best answers and low points. I am just doing this because i feal like giving points out. To win all you have to do is enter in any emberassing, funny or unbelivable thing that happened to you. The person with the best story wins!!! Good Luck!!!<333

2007-02-23 10:16:24 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Forwards I am heavy, backwards I am not.

2007-02-23 10:11:46 · 10 answers · asked by Wil H 2

do you hold it when you use it: no//
does it make sound : yes//
does it shine: sometimes//
is it outside: yes//
can you use it with your freinds: no//
is it used in travel: yes//
does it bring joy to people : somtimes//
can it be stolen: no//
is it hard: yes//
can you open it : yes//
would you use it daily : somtimes//
is it somthing you can purchase : no//
is it straight : yes//
is it commenly used: somtimes//
is it usaully colorfull: no//
do most people use this daily: no//
do you know any songs about it : yes//
was it used over 100 years ago: no//
do you use it in public: no//
OK now what am i thinking of?who ever answers right first gets best answer

2007-02-23 10:11:31 · 5 answers · asked by John Notafakename 2

IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS !!

2007-02-23 10:09:38 · 15 answers · asked by trickyrick32 4

untie is not an issue because some girls do it and shoes are tied so thats not a reson

i DO NOT want to know if you do it, just stop if you do.

2007-02-23 10:08:19 · 2 answers · asked by crossfire666666 1

“has anyone ever told you how sexy and irresistible to woman you are?” Flattered, he answered, “No, they haven’t.” She said, “Then whatever gave you the idea that you were?”

2007-02-23 10:06:58 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-23 10:01:33 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old one's are the best. From the best selling book Cads tallants are wasted here.By E Cad

2007-02-23 09:57:51 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am!!
gosh
there is never anything kool happening in washington!!

2007-02-23 09:55:33 · 17 answers · asked by i tell it how it is! 5

Two midgets on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers and take 'em out for a night on the town. After cocktails and gambling, they all head back to their hotel room at the MGM Grand. However, the night doesn't quite turn out as planned. Since he's had too much to drink, one of the midgets can't get it up at all, and, to make matters worse, he has to listen to the other one say "1, 2, 3, huh," over and over again, all night. The next morning, the first midget is complaining.

"Man, did that suck. I was soft all night."

"You think that's bad," said the other midget. "I couldn't even get onto the bed."

2007-02-23 09:55:06 · 7 answers · asked by P!NK 5

2007-02-23 09:50:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Larry and Howard fight for custody.
The jury asks both the men for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the judge asks Howard first.

Howard says, "Well I helped Anna Nicole carry this child around in her stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process with Anna Nicole, this is my child and a part of me."

The judge is impressed and then turns to ask Larry the same question.

Larry replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to: me or the machine?"

2007-02-23 09:48:17 · 8 answers · asked by lkrhtr70 4

To keep the foreskin from coming up over their heads.

2007-02-23 09:45:28 · 9 answers · asked by Bob 3

this is done with back strap sandals or tennis shoes, the sandals some will slip the straps off there heels and when wearing tennis shoes they will press on the heel of a shoes untill there foot pops out, this bothers me a lot. Lots of girls dont do this some so though

I do not want to know if you do it, even though you shouldnt, I just want to know why, tennis shoes are comfortable so dont say uncomfy and a habbit is formed. why start doing it in the first place

2007-02-23 09:43:21 · 7 answers · asked by crossfire666666 1

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

2007-02-23 09:41:29 · 18 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you little Johnny Parisi?"

" Yes father it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you father, I dont want to ruin her reputation."

"Well Johnny, Im sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?

" I cannot say."

Was it Teresa Volpe."

"I'll never tell."

Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry but I cannot name her."

Was it Kathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

Was it Rosa De Angelo?"

"Please father I cannot tell you!"

"Your very tight lipped Johnny, I admire that. But you have sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months, Now go and behave yourself! "

Johnny walks back ro his pew , and his friend Rocco slides over and whispers "What did ya get?"

Johnny replies, " 4 months vacation and 5 good leads!!"

2007-02-23 09:35:50 · 6 answers · asked by michele_zanella 3

Dr. Phil's Test: Here you go. Try this!


Below is Dr Phil's test . (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.) Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff
out!


Read on, this is very interesting!


!
Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends.


The person who sent it placed their score in the e-mail subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends (send it back to the person who sent it to you.) Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.


Answers are for who you are now --- not who you were in
the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready.


This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees It's
only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question.

!
Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to friends/family, and also send it to the person who sent this to you. Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.


Ready??
!

Begin.


1. When do you feel your best?

a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon and early evening
c) late at night


2. You usually walk...

a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e)
very slowly


3. When talking to people you...

a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair



4. When relaxing, you sit with. ..

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly ! side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you


5. When something really amuses you, you react with..

a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, ! but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed


7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted...

a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two
extremes
!

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?

a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray


9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are...

a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers


10. You often dream that you are...

a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant



POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
< /FONT>
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b)
2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (! f) 1
Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate. !

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them u p and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive! , someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to ma ke the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you' re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

2007-02-23 09:28:08 · 47 answers · asked by Smurf 7

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-
olds,

"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most
famous man who ever lived."


An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."


The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."


Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.
Andrew."


The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right
either."


Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus
Christ."


The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin,come up here
and I'll give you the $2."


As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know
Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus
Christ."


Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but
business is business..."

2007-02-23 09:26:23 · 14 answers · asked by lkrhtr70 4

i was walking through soho in london the other night and it started to rain heavily, so as you do, i decided to take shelter in a peek a boo sex shop. i paid my 50 quid, and the nice young lady pointed me to three doors. they read blond, brunette and black, so blond being the flavour of the month, thats the door i chose, only to be confronted by 3 more doors. these read big t*ts, medium t*ts and small t*ts. so, you've guessed it, thats right, i chose big t*ts. only to be faced with 3 more poxy doors, i know, tell me about it!. these 3 read, big c*nt small c*nt and wet c*nt, being in a bit of a rush, i chose wet c*nt,only to find myself standing back out in the rain!!!!!

2007-02-23 09:25:45 · 13 answers · asked by HERBS 2

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

2007-02-23 09:21:31 · 3 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

To compensate for the 72 virgins!

2007-02-23 09:19:51 · 6 answers · asked by lkrhtr70 4

Why did Britney shave her head?

B/c Anna Nicole stole her headlines by dying!
...badda bing...

2007-02-23 09:14:06 · 7 answers · asked by lkrhtr70 4

When you blow in a dogs face he goes mad. But when you take him for a drive in your car the first thing he does is stick his head out the window.

2007-02-23 09:13:31 · 13 answers · asked by Smurf 7

What am I?

I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am. What am I?
|
|
|
V
Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking?

2007-02-23 09:09:40 · 7 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6