Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

he puts his foot down ,but the blur keeps up,he puts his foot to the floor,and the blur takes offs in front of him and runs down a country lane..he follows it to a homestead and notices that it is a chicken with 3 legs ,where it runs behind the house..
he stops his car and gets out just as an old big farmer bloke opens the door with a rifle in his hand..
"What do ya want?"
"I just followed a chicken here and it had 3 legs"
"So!" says the farmer
"well i never seen a chicken with 3 legs before"
"Well i breed 'em!"says the farmer
"why on earth would ya be doing that?"asks the traveller
"well i like a drumstick,me wife likes a drumstick and me son likes a drumstick!"
"WOW",says the traveller,"thats fantastic,How do they taste?"
"Dunno!,cant catch the bastards!!"

2007-02-23 00:19:02 · 7 answers · asked by buddybottle_australia 2

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occured at aproximately 8:42 pm last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going, "pinkie," as he was known to his freinds and relatives, was alone at his death.An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner Dura cell concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sxxuxl over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had installed Mr. Bunny's batteries backwards; and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

2007-02-23 00:18:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Finally, a new bumper sticker for BOTH political parties.

This hottest selling political bumper sticker comes from New York State:

"RUN HILLARY RUN'

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

2007-02-23 00:14:19 · 7 answers · asked by Land Warrior 4

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and Said You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes."I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

2007-02-23 00:10:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pick up lines that might get you killed:
If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go ****.

Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ***!!!!!

If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

Can I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

2007-02-23 00:10:14 · 1 answers · asked by chris c 3

Is the word molest the correct term? The act between the two was conscentual, though one of the two ovobously were under age. The word molest means:1. to annoy, disturb or persecute with hostile intent or injurious effect
2. To make annoying sexual advances especially to force physical & usually sexual contact on.

Are they really a child molster? How about a sexual preditor? Should they for the rest of their lives be registered a sexual preditor because there was sexual contact between two people who agreed and/or were aware, in no danger, who did not force in any way the act apon one or the other, both or all parties were in their right minds? How do they fall with in the description of molester or preditor? What do you think? What to you would be a better term?

2007-02-23 00:10:00 · 5 answers · asked by inthrutheoutdoor 3

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

2007-02-23 00:06:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father and his son had a bad accident in the car coming home from the shops. Two ambulances arrive . One takes the dad the other takes the boy. They end up at the same hospital. The dad dies. The doctor takes one look at the boy and says "i cant operate on this child. He is my son" .......... Q. what is the connection between the doctor and the boy?

2007-02-23 00:03:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do brunettes like their dark hair color ?
It doesn't show the dirt.

Who makes all the bras for brunettes ?
Fisher-Price

Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes ?
The hair from a buffalo's axs was more manageable

Why are most brunettes flat-chested ?
It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair ?
It matches their mustache

How can you tell a brunette is lonely ?
Check her for a pulse

Why don't brunettes get brexst implants ?
They've already spent their money on thigh & bxtt implants

What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover ?
" What part of 'yes' don't you understand ?"

Why did God create brunettes ?
So ugly men wouldn't feel left out

What do brunettes miss most about a great party ?
The invitation

Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant ?
From their underarms

2007-02-23 00:02:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you thinks this joke received a violation?...
To the saddo who reported it - time you got out more! :).......

Jill hears that milk baths will make her beautiful so she leaves a note for her milkman asking for 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman reads the note he thinks there must be a mistake so he knocks on the door.
Jill answers and the milkman says, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk...did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
Jill replies "No, I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk."
"Pasteurised?" asks the milkman.
"No," says Jill, "Just up to my boobs. :)

2007-02-22 23:54:25 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. ''I'm sorry,'' says the pharmacist, ''we don't have any.''
''But I always get it here,'' says the blonde.

''Do you have the container it comes in?''

''Yes!'' says the blonde, ''I will go and get it.''

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, ''This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: ''To apply, push up bottom.''

2007-02-22 23:52:54 · 9 answers · asked by chris c 3

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lake_Titicaca, yes its a real place

2007-02-22 23:51:25 · 7 answers · asked by cascadecoins 2

On a country road the police pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf

2007-02-22 23:46:26 · 4 answers · asked by conan 4

and lays an egg there,can my neighbour lay claim to it..

2007-02-22 23:45:08 · 11 answers · asked by buddybottle_australia 2

Guess my age and you get 10 points :)

2007-02-22 23:41:13 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the collective noun for ghost?

















































Afraid of ghost!

2007-02-22 23:25:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
>doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined
>the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the
>baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip
>! down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her
>nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a
>detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder
>this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said,
>"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

2007-02-22 23:20:31 · 24 answers · asked by Alicat 6

owner operator !!!

2007-02-22 23:17:36 · 11 answers · asked by lost_sole_28 4

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen to his conversation.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only
$1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... the house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

M AN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty
good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

2007-02-22 23:16:43 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-22 23:08:28 · 19 answers · asked by junmode 1

The Reverend Billy Graham told of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."

2007-02-22 23:03:15 · 4 answers · asked by conan 4

this man rides his snowmobile through alaska it starts acting up so he heads into the next town he pulls up to a service garrage the attendant walks out and says "let me guess you blew a seal" the man say's nope "that's just frost on my mustache"

2007-02-22 22:57:55 · 10 answers · asked by lost_sole_28 4

2007-02-22 22:51:49 · 20 answers · asked by The Phantom of Anna Nicole Smith 2

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.?

"I want 6 shots of whiskey," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first head," the man answered.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will

2007-02-22 22:51:12 · 5 answers · asked by conan 4

he stoodd at the counter .lifted the leach in the air and started swinging the dog ..over his head.
the shop manager ran up and said. "what the **** are doing"
he replied just looking around

2007-02-22 22:43:22 · 7 answers · asked by conan 4

A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. When the elephants walk out onto the circus ring, the little boy asks his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's pen!s, son."

"So why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

2007-02-22 22:33:48 · 14 answers · asked by Jay A 3

2007-02-22 22:31:13 · 17 answers · asked by the southern dandy 3

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his phone, dialled 999, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

2007-02-22 22:26:57 · 15 answers · asked by Jay A 3

"I want 6 shots of whiskey," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first head," the man answered.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will

2007-02-22 22:15:06 · 2 answers · asked by conan 4

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

2007-02-22 21:53:53 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4