Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

1 finger-paint with God and Bob Hope
2 Suck up wax etchings of Bon Jovi with a hamster-powered vacuum cleaner
or
3 Kiss Marie Antoinette's poodle, Betty.

2007-02-22 21:49:09 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-22 21:07:41 · 9 answers · asked by snottysnout 3

This is just a humor question dont take it seriously and pick a celeb and no I'm not wishing it on anyone

Keith Richards
Ron White
Rosie O'Donnell
Carrie Underwood
The Dixie Chicks
Michael Jackson(again)
That guy from Metalica (again)
Madonna
Larry The Cable Guy
David Cross
Elton John
Taylor Hicks
Jay Leno
Fergie
Britney Spears
Snoop Dog
Justin Timberlake
Jeff Foxworthy
Moby
Other you name remember this is not a serious question dont get all upset about it

2007-02-22 21:02:28 · 9 answers · asked by gerbil31603 5

It's Bad Pun Day.

2007-02-22 21:00:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I been told that a battery hen tastes more acidic than an organic hen .

2007-02-22 20:52:51 · 8 answers · asked by raybbies 5

does anu one has MSN?
and if u do tell me your age

2007-02-22 20:51:44 · 8 answers · asked by Emily 1

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree "

"A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only..."

2007-02-22 20:45:03 · 38 answers · asked by daftarseuk 2

I need to know some really funny movies to watch please. I am into Jim Carrey at the moment but I do not need suggestions on his movies because I have watched them this week.

I ask because I am writing a comedy movie script about a tramp who marries a grandma inherits her fortune and hits Hollywood

Some of the jokes are when he sees a fat woman he goes "it's Jabba the Hutt with lip gloss"

Or when he's thrown out of the hotel for being naked he says to his pal "we've been thrown out and i've left my drugs in the safe and sharon stone between two chairs........................... want my drugs back!

It's funnier when said what do you people think of my script and good comedy movies?

2007-02-22 20:38:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

***** mom had three kids.
One named tic
One named toe
What was the other kids name?

2007-02-22 20:18:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-22 20:15:38 · 16 answers · asked by tierney_36 1

what do you call conans jokes?funny

2007-02-22 20:01:24 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the
stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've
heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with
your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly,
and
said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.
But
let
me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
grass.
The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do
you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel
qualified
to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

2007-02-22 19:56:41 · 16 answers · asked by lost_rabbit 2

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun
standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out
from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or
impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher,
you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either

2007-02-22 19:53:32 · 6 answers · asked by Stargate 3

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest ****?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A. "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A. Her indicator was on.

Q. What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?
A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.

Q. How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree

Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q. Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
A. So they don't moo-moo when you pull on their ****.

Q. How do blonde brain cells die?
A. Alone.

2007-02-22 19:37:41 · 8 answers · asked by conan 4

After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem.
I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck.
He's still wriggling - what should I do?
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

2007-02-22 19:36:48 · 9 answers · asked by conan 4

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her,"Father,may I ask a favor?" "Of course.What may I do for u?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened & well over the Customs limits,& I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.Is there any way you could carry it thru Customs for me?Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you,dear,but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face,Father,no one will question you."
When they got to Customs,she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked,"Father,do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist,I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange,so asked,"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,to date,unused."
Roaring with laughter,the official said"Go right ahead father,NEXT"

2007-02-22 19:14:26 · 40 answers · asked by sexy rack 2

If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

2007-02-22 19:12:09 · 21 answers · asked by brainyandy 6

If a mime artist swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap and water?

2007-02-22 19:09:10 · 19 answers · asked by brainyandy 6

I'am not sure about the question... the one that gave me the question might be wrong... i think i should be highest mountain not lowest... but still... HELP! :)

2007-02-22 19:05:49 · 11 answers · asked by Stanley Adams Ang 1

Can you tell me why?

2007-02-22 19:00:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

2007-02-22 18:55:12 · 2 answers · asked by conan 4

He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

2007-02-22 18:53:28 · 5 answers · asked by conan 4

What do you think is the greatest height of shock??

For me---- it is when you are f**king a pregnant woman and a hand grabs you from inside. lol

2007-02-22 18:48:39 · 3 answers · asked by Stargate 3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-70JasE2qI

"We'll make a big Glass crater in the f@***n Middle-East for All I care"

'Ummm...I'm thinkin Italy"

"Iran..ummm.I think there's a revolution GOING ON pretty soon"

'Russia, China, India, Pakistan. Indonesia, Brazil, Canada."

"Korea - "Why you say that" - "they're TROUBLE" - "OK Why are they TROUBLE" - "Ummm....their Attitude (OMFG)"

"Iran and North Korea somewhere in Australia?????"

(OMFG) "Prolly France - they Weren't our Allies - where is France? Australia?

'You know it's amazing I didn't realise North Korea (?????) is a lot LARGER than South Korea..I didn't know that!!!

2007-02-22 18:31:38 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

it is a brain teaser

2007-02-22 18:20:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

City boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from a
farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my
money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny
replied, "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What
ya gonna do with him?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny, "Sure I can.
Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?" Kenny replied, "I raffled him off. I sold 500
tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."Farmer
asked, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny responded, "Just the guy who
won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron

2007-02-22 17:46:36 · 12 answers · asked by roscoedeadbeat 7

All electricity failed, and dozens of people were trapped on the escalators for hours!

2007-02-22 17:39:55 · 6 answers · asked by roscoedeadbeat 7

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvLdt9WVdlA8pprkpErBTnLsy6IX?qid=20070222211240AAh0hES

2007-02-22 17:20:43 · 3 answers · asked by foniboki 4

The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

2007-02-22 17:18:07 · 8 answers · asked by conan 4

they were like spiders crawling up your arms, something crawling down"and then the "crack an egg on your head and feel the yolk go down"....if so, what were the words? and what would you search them as?

2007-02-22 17:17:28 · 7 answers · asked by hannah b 1