Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

"Wow that's bigger than my wand!"

LOL

Vote for me BEST JOKE!!!

2007-02-24 03:12:27 · 7 answers · asked by Kortney 1

two farmers taking sheep to the market
Farmer A says "If you sell me one of your sheep I will have twice as many as you".
Farmer B says "No, If you sell me one of your sheep we will have the same number".
How many sheep has each Farmer got?

2007-02-24 03:02:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

2007-02-24 03:01:59 · 6 answers · asked by Ana♥Banana 3

A puppy is one, but a dog is not.
A kitten is one, but a cat is not.
A cookie is one, but a cracker is not.
What is it?

2007-02-24 02:59:56 · 9 answers · asked by andygames07 3

2007-02-24 02:57:06 · 4 answers · asked by $$$~!MiLliOn~$!DoLLaR !*BabY!~$$$ 1

i can't beleive no one has asked this yet

2007-02-24 02:52:37 · 10 answers · asked by i_dont_know_what_the_plot_is 1

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

2007-02-24 02:47:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.

Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.

Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.

Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

If something looks level, it is level.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

2007-02-24 02:43:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-24 02:42:13 · 22 answers · asked by hannah montana 1

There's a plane that travel to phillipines to UAE
there are 8 women and 3 men one of the women
is a nun the other one is a prostitute and all the men
are rapist

MEN1: This plane is hi jacked
MEN2: We will going to raped all the women
in here

after a long period of time..












Prostitute: no dont do it just rape me
i can handle it even im handicaped 3 to 1
just dont do it to them

after again a long period of time.....








Nun: Hey you SO* O* A BIT*H
what are you damn talking about
he said all of us you ugly BA*TAR*

2007-02-24 02:39:36 · 4 answers · asked by raniel 2

What's in a name ? A lot more than you think. Here's your chance to learn what his pet name for you really means. Don't say I didn't warn you !!

Darling --
Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear --
Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of
ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart --
If it's said patronisingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in ernest, it may send your own sweet heart
aflutter.

Babe --
Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a
second-hand car.

2007-02-24 02:37:01 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin. He ordered three
pints of Guinness, sat in the back of the room, and drank a
sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came
back to the bar and ordered three more.

The bartender said, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw
it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in
Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink
this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom and left
it there.

The Irishman became a regular in the bar and always drank
the same way. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All
the other regulars noticed and fell silent.

2007-02-24 02:32:44 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Guess who i am my mane age my sign what i like to do all of myu fav things including amimal food ect the first person who gets most of the things right will get 10 points from me

2007-02-24 02:31:23 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

if given a chance to u that to change the name of famous HARRY POTTER! then what will it be?anyway i love this name HARRY POTTER!

the funniest name i heard is ROSE CUTTER
funny na?

2007-02-24 02:29:59 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

When a man volunteers to do such cooking,

the following chain of events is put into motion.



(1) The woman goes to the store.

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off



And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

2007-02-24 02:28:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-24 02:22:16 · 18 answers · asked by i_dont_know_what_the_plot_is 1

2007-02-24 02:11:26 · 6 answers · asked by raniel 2

What has 500 teeth and holds back a monster.....????????

2007-02-24 02:10:07 · 8 answers · asked by PigPen 3

Genre: Work Jokes

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in u frruckin white basthard cu,nt."

2007-02-24 01:51:20 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

I love to share.

2007-02-24 01:33:02 · 13 answers · asked by Linda L 3

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

2007-02-24 01:22:00 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I heard the ability to walk on water made it hard for Jesus to learn how to swim.

2007-02-24 01:20:49 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

2007-02-24 01:16:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-24 01:06:38 · 10 answers · asked by Frank G 1

2007-02-24 01:02:13 · 7 answers · asked by bapu.rhtdm 1

I can't think of an answer - hope some one does!

Three friends go to a pub. The pub closes and the three friends leave and go to a bottle shop for a carton of beer. The beer costs $30 so each friend put in $10. They pay for the beer and leave.

As they leave the shop the shop keeper says "Wait, i forgot that the beer is on special - it is $25 not $30. He gave each of the friends $1 each and said that he'll keep the remaining $2.

BUT that means that each friend had actually paided $9 for the beer and 3x9 is 27 and the shop keeper has $2 so $27+2=$29 so where is the remaining dollor????

2007-02-24 00:56:42 · 10 answers · asked by waltzing matilda 3

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own darn blanket!"

2007-02-24 00:55:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

with a set of night vision goggles on. can you see yourself in the mirror?

2007-02-24 00:53:44 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-24 00:53:09 · 9 answers · asked by chintoo 2

A brain cell

2007-02-24 00:50:20 · 20 answers · asked by Laughing Out Loud 1