Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

why do men whistle when they are on the toilet.???????????????????????????






because it helps them to remember which end to wipe

2007-01-08 23:42:58 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I want all kind of jokes.

2007-01-08 23:31:11 · 6 answers · asked by Cathy 4

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister? [Give this some
thought before you answer, I will give the answer after 4 hours.

2007-01-08 22:57:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The chauffeur picked up the pope in the limo. the pope stood there and the chaufferu asked why he wouldn't get in the limo.
pope.- No one ever lets me drive, could I drive this time.
Chauffeur-, I'm afraid I would loose my job. Please get in your Excellency.
pope-There will be something in it for you if you let me drive just this once.
The chauffeur got in the back seat very nervous. As they left the airport, the pope floored it to 120 mph. A cop stopped him. Whe the pope opened the window, the cop called his captain.
cop, I can't give this guy a ticket he's too important
Cap- all the more reason for a ticket
cop- but he's big
cap how big, mayor
cop- bigger
cap- governor?
cop even bigger
cap how big
I think it's God because he has the pope as a chauffer/

2007-01-08 22:54:36 · 11 answers · asked by Memere RN/BA 7

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

2007-01-08 22:50:25 · 21 answers · asked by GS 3

Words Women Use

Study this and know it!

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

2007-01-08 22:46:09 · 11 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

2007-01-08 22:41:20 · 10 answers · asked by Ani 2

MOTHER-IN-LAW =WOMAN HITLER

ELEVEN PLUS TWO =TWELVE MINUS ONE

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA - my fav (ill let u figure it out)

DORMITORY = DIRTY ROOM

GEORGE BUSH =HE BUGS GORE

SNOOZE ALARMS=ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

THE MORSE CODE =HERE COMES DOTS

THE EARTHQUAKES : : THAT QUEER SHAKE

SLOT MACHINES : : CASH LOST IN ME

2007-01-08 22:41:10 · 3 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

2007-01-08 22:36:25 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Learn Chinese In 5 Minutes

directions: read these outloud

(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift

(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat



(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?

(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?



See me A.S.A.P.

Kum Hia Nao



Stupid Man

Dum Gai



Small Horse

Tai Ni Po Ni



Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan?



I bumped into a coffee table

Ai Bang Mai Ni



It's very dark in here

Wai So Dim



This is a tow away zone

No Pah King



You are not very bright

Yu So Dum



I got this for free

Ai No Pei



I am not guilty!

Wai Hang Mi?



Please stay a while longer

Wai Go Nao?



They have arrived

Hai Dei Kum.



Stay out of sight

Lei Lo



He's cleaning his automobile

Wa Sing Ka.



Your body odor is offensive

Yu Stin Ki



I thought you were on a diet?

Wai Yu Mun Ching?

2007-01-08 22:33:45 · 13 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

2007-01-08 22:31:36 · 6 answers · asked by navigator 3

We walked in the rain, and you pot all wet.
Because I had the umbrella!!

2007-01-08 22:29:19 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? And is there a special technique?

2007-01-08 22:19:03 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Always good and never bad.....
People love it and that's a fact.....
Please have it, it won't make u mad.....
Lose it yet u can buy it back.....
Entirely with sugar that would not make you fat.....

what am I?




you might want to look carefully on this one.....see each sentence carefully.

2007-01-08 22:14:21 · 8 answers · asked by IceღFire Shawn 3

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

2007-01-08 22:09:19 · 13 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

2007-01-08 21:55:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I saw this in our local "joke" paper and I thought I'd share it with you...

A mother and her 5 year old son were flying from Los Angeles to Dallas.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did....."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Have your mother explain that to you."

2007-01-08 21:49:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I entered the jokes normal way and they have all gone to "All English Questions". How to reverse this?

2007-01-08 21:48:05 · 7 answers · asked by GS 3

2007-01-08 20:48:25 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Italian, A Bum, And A Gay Guy In Hell

There were three guys in hell. an Italian guy , a bum and a gay guy. One day the devil says to them I'm gonna give you one more chance on Earth, but you can't have your favorite thing.
"Italian guy, you can't have any pizza.
Bum, you can never shag money again.
Gay guy, you can never have sex with another man."
So the devil sends them back to Earth and they wind up in front of a pizza shop. The Italian guy just can't control himself and he runs in and eats a piece of pizza, POOF! Now the gay guy and the bum are walking down the street and the gay guy spots a $100 bill and points it out to the bum. The bum bends over and picks it up with the gay guy behind him and, POOF!... POOF!

2007-01-08 20:46:07 · 5 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

In the year 2006 , the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me"

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few
good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed
Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade
about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should
have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden
because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a
temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State
for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince
the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no
go! When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They
insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it> was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers
Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to
resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many
BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I
can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited
workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered
species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean
you're not going to destroy the world?"






"No," said the Lord. "Looks like the Labour government beat me to it."

2007-01-08 20:27:44 · 19 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

With the numbers 123456789, make them add up to 100. They must stay in the same order. You can use addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. Remember, they have to stay in the same order !!!

2007-01-08 20:08:48 · 7 answers · asked by kaieka 1

Its whirring around...has a flashing light and vibrating loudly...what is it?

2007-01-08 19:50:00 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly.

The wife responds,"Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

2007-01-08 19:49:56 · 16 answers · asked by GS 3

A guy tells his doctor his genitals have turned orange.The doctor says,"I've never seen anything like that before, does it hurt?"The guy says no."R u very sexually active?", the doctor asks again.Again he says no.He says ,all I do is watch pornos & eat my cheetos.

2007-01-08 19:47:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A monkey and a lizard were smoking a joint in a tree. The lizard got really thirsty so he went down to the river to get a drink. He met an alligator who asked him what he was doing.

Lizard said "Oh, just getting a drink. I was smoking a joint with a monkey up in that tree."

The alligator didn't believe this crazy story, so he went over to the tree to check it out. He looked up at the monkey and said "Hey!"

The monkey's eyes got really big and he asked, "Dang..How much water did you drink!?"

2007-01-08 19:45:34 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

When Ralph first noticed that his pnies was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

2007-01-08 19:44:12 · 11 answers · asked by GS 3

what would it be?
anything except more time to live...

2007-01-08 19:41:32 · 59 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-08 19:41:14 · 10 answers · asked by Cosmo 3

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."

2007-01-08 19:35:27 · 19 answers · asked by GS 3