Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a Boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my Bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me Feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, And there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.

2007-01-09 05:01:11 · 15 answers · asked by its_me_cheeky_dee 2

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Collapsed Bridge' instead?"

2007-01-09 04:59:55 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

An elderly couple is sitting in church. The woman says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" The man turns to her and says, "Well, you can start by changing the battery in your hearing aid."

2007-01-09 04:57:33 · 14 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

They recommend "interesting" 360 pages for us to peruse. I've gone to those pages and I have to say, I'm incredibly disappointed. The pages are always boring blogs posted by boring nerds. Where do I file a complaint?

2007-01-09 04:55:10 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn't think he had a chance of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of manslaughter.

The jury was out for over three days before eventually returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared the bribed juror and said: "Thanks. How ever did you manage it?"

"It wasn't easy," admitted the juror. "All the others wanted to acquit you."

2007-01-09 04:54:41 · 5 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

any one know why my yahoo messenger will not work on my pc up stairs but will on this one downstairs, both use the same broad band connection the upstairs pc is hard wired the downstairs is wireless. it stopped working over a year ago for no apparent reason, ive uninstalled it numerous times and my aool software, and also ive redone my windows xp (prof ) but i didnot format it,, all my internet settings seem to be the same as my working pc... also everything else works on the upstairs pc all other chat facilities msn etc. when i enter my screen name and pass it just sits idle and willl not log in , but i can log into my yahoo mail etc.??
really bugging me this as my girlfriend and i like to do live web cam mmmm and cant now, raging like!!!!!!!!

2007-01-09 04:54:40 · 2 answers · asked by fragmaster3sum 2

A dog applied for a job as a high-powered secretary with a multinational company. The advertisement stated that the successful applicant must have good keyboard skills, a command of shorthand, and be able to speak a second language.

The interviewer sat the dog at the computer and watched in wonderment as the animal successfully carried out the most complex functions, including spreadsheets and e-mail. Then he gave the dog dictation and was impressed by the hounds ability to write a hundred and twenty words a minute in immaculate shorthand.

"Well," he said at the end of the interview, "It looks as if the job's yours. There's just one thing. What about the second language?"

To which the dog replied: "Meow!"

2007-01-09 04:52:31 · 11 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."

2007-01-09 04:50:45 · 10 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that was available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

2007-01-09 04:49:32 · 18 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. She yelled "fore" but it was too late.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed over to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

2007-01-09 04:48:26 · 22 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

2007-01-09 04:41:50 · 18 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, was rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys and he wondered what it was like and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, his mother told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mom. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile then he turned off most of the lights. He then started hugging and kissing her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart just like the doctor would do. He was not as smart as a doctor because he seemed to be having trouble finding it. "I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it in her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and groan and squirm around and slide down towards the end of the couch. This is when the fever started. "I knew it was the fever because Sis said she felt real hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. "When Sis saw it, she got real scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and started calling to God and stuff. She said it was the biggest one she ever saw...... I should have told her about the one down at the lake. "Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while her boyfriend took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel`s head to keep it from biting again. "Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess he wanted to kill it by squeezing it between them. "After a while they both quit moving and a great sigh came forth. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, the eel was dead. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp with some of its insides hanging out. "Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went on courting anyways. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly the eel wasn`t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats with 9-lives. "This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed it. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis`s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet....."

2007-01-09 04:41:13 · 4 answers · asked by *Dat*-*Libra*-*Cutie* 3

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

2007-01-09 04:39:25 · 4 answers · asked by *Dat*-*Libra*-*Cutie* 3

give me ten funny reasons why you carry a cell phone :)

2007-01-09 04:38:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

2007-01-09 04:37:35 · 3 answers · asked by *Dat*-*Libra*-*Cutie* 3

one day it was a boy named Johnny Go Deeper and his teacher , johnny said teacher take off your shirt and bra off the teacher no. So johnny said if u don't do it i'll tell my mom my mom will tell my dad and my dad will tell the princpal and you'll get fired so the tecaher said ok than.So then jonny said take off your pants and panties off .The teacher said no so johnny said if u don'tdo it i'll tell my mom my mom will tell my dad my dad will tell the pricpal and you'll get fired so the teacher said okay.So then johnny said I'm gonna get on top of you.So then johnny's mom dad and the princpal walk in and johnny's mom said johnny go deeper and johnny said I'm tryin I'm tryin.

2007-01-09 04:36:49 · 4 answers · asked by *Dat*-*Libra*-*Cutie* 3

there is a man standing over a dead body in a coffin. and a anthor man walks in and ask, "who is the coffin?" the frist man said, "I've none brother ands sister. but this man's father is my father's son." Who is in the coffin?

2007-01-09 04:31:39 · 9 answers · asked by Ani 2

guilty after all your both single and willing but then another voice in his head pipes up yea but mike ur a vet

2007-01-09 04:22:48 · 11 answers · asked by Quinn 4

1.whats black, white and red all over?

2.whats red and hangs from a tree?

2007-01-09 04:20:05 · 26 answers · asked by ethers 1

2 brothers , were twins, only boys in in that family, 1 was twenty the other was twenty 2.... 1 married one didnt but the 2 of them died batchelors how come?

2007-01-09 04:15:26 · 13 answers · asked by fragmaster3sum 2

Pronounced as one letter,
And written with three,
Two letters there are,
And two only in me.
I'm double, I'm single,
I'm black, blue, and gray,
I'm read from both ends,
And the same either way.
What am I?

2007-01-09 04:02:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

radio trivia

2007-01-09 03:59:19 · 44 answers · asked by KIM W 1

By moving only one glass, can you arrange them so empty and full glasses alternate?

2007-01-09 03:58:37 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-09 03:55:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

i try to look on the bright side of life
but as luck would have it
im blind as a bat
who am i?




Answer- i am a cliche!
ne good?? could u sugest a better ending?

2007-01-09 03:53:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

a guy donated a blood to his girlfriend and they broke up the guy went to his girlfriend and demanded his blood back then girl friend throws a pad to him and said i will repay you blood in monthly installments

2007-01-09 03:45:55 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-09 03:37:25 · 16 answers · asked by qwerty u 3

If it takes a week to walk a fortnight,how long would it take a mouse wearing hobnail boots on to tread around a barrel of grapes and make a gallon of wine?????

2007-01-09 03:35:56 · 22 answers · asked by fragmaster3sum 2

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

2007-01-09 03:32:28 · 7 answers · asked by Papa 7

I am a 7 letter word.
1357 is an animal,
234 is a mode of transport,
456 is essential for life,
67 is a pronoun.
What is the answer??

2007-01-09 03:31:11 · 12 answers · asked by channers21 1