Can you tell me any jokes?

Question

I want all kind of jokes.

Answer 1

Tell me which one is the best!!!


1)
There was this woman pregnant with triplets walking home from buying a few things at the grocery store. well on her walk home a thief robbed her and shot her 3 times in the stomach. she made it out the ordeal alive and so did her unborn children but the doctors could not retrieve the bullets. well about 10 years later after the whole birth thing the mother was laying in her bed and one of her daughters ran in yelling, ¨Mommy I was peeing and a bullet came out¨. so the mother told her the story of the robbery. well 5 minutes the other daughter ran in yelling, ¨mommy i was peeing and a bullet came out¨. so the mother told her the story also. well her son, the last of the triplets, ran in yelling... but before he could answer the mother said, "I know... you were peeing and a bullet came out". He said, "No..:! I was jacking off and I shot the dog!!"


2)
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some ******’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more ******’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the ******’ French toast."


3)
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in $hit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with $hit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with $hit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"


4)
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."


5)
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

"What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a
very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.



6)
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big b00bs."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big b00bs?" "Why kill a blonde with big b00bs?"

Bush turns to Powell and says, "See smart a$s , I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"


7)
A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp it said “Wy”. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a “Wy” on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy too and the waiter said no mine says “Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day!!!”


8)
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."

Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."

Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."


9)
Texan cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor, sometimes the bull wins."



10)
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Answer 2

A guy on holiday in Spain is going into a restaurant and instantly encounters a scrumptious aroma. He figures out it is coming from a dish being served to a person close him and so he calls the waiter and asks, "What is that guy over there consuming? It smells first-class!" The waiter says, "Those are the bull testicles from the bullfight this morning, Senor." The guy is a bit of greatly surprised at this, however orders them however, and certain sufficient, they are scrumptious. He comes again day after today and orders the equal factor. He unearths it as well as earlier than, however is a bit of upset by means of the skimpy measurement of the dish. So he calls the waiter all over again and complains, "it was once nonetheless well, however you did not provide me very so much!" The waiter replies, "Si, Senor, frequently the bull wins."

Answer 3

An English teacher spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students` written work. She was not sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.
A student asked, "What`s the matter, Mrs.Sheridan?"
"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.
After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter.?

Answer 4

Three little Boys were concerned
because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been Baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest Church.

But, only the Janitor was there.

One little Boy said,
"We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with Us.
Will You baptize Us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom
and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,
one at a time.
Then He said, "You are now Baptized!".

" When they got outside,
one of them asked,
"What religion do You think We are?"

The oldest one said,

"We're not Kathlick, ......because they pour the water on You."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of You in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, ....because they just sprinkle water on You."

The littlest one said,
"Didn't you smell that water?"

They all joined in asking,
"Yeah! What do You think that means?"


"I think it mea ns we're Pisscopailians.

Answer 5

there was this blond driving a car and she hit a truck the guy got mad got out of his truck and drew a circle with chalk and said stay in it so she went in the circle and the guy smashed her car window and she started laughing and so he got more mad and then he tore apart her seat and she laughed even more so he got even more mad and so he tore off he stearing wheel and she still laughed so he asked what are you laughing at and she said when you werent looking I stepped out of the circle 3 times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 6

sorry no, but i still want to help u so, i advice u to visit this website! www.funnyjunk.com
thanks!