Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Guy walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a double.
and the bartender says, "Whoa...what's the deal?" "Well, got into a big knockdown/dragout with the wife." says the patron. "But at the end, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees!" "Oh yeah?" the bartender asked. "What'd she say?" The patron replied, "She said 'get out from under that bed you little chicken-sh*t!'"

2007-01-09 18:47:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were these two kids named "screw you" and "trouble". They decided to play hide and seek and screw you was it. Trouble went to hide while screw you counted. "ready or not here I come" he said.

Hours passed and there was no sign of trouble. A policeman was walking by and saw the kid and went up to him and asked why are you wondering around here, what is your name? Screw you! said the kid excited. The cop shocked responded "hey kid whats the matter with you?! Are you looking for trouble!?

2007-01-09 18:34:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

too bad it was in the singles and dating section, so many questions are asked there you lucky if 5 people read the damn thing. Anyway here it is:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aq8lHQ8CDjhs..As5CTOZbvsy6IX?qid=20070109230530AAKvuQ7

2007-01-09 18:18:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

My jokes could be termed as dirty and vulgar, but they are aimed towards adults. i.e. above 17 yrs old, who are back from a hard day's work & want something to chill out to.

But unfortunately it looks like there are barely any adults in this section this last few weeks, most of the people I see here are either schoolkids or the oversensitive, overprotected religious minds who can't differentiate between humour & discrimination.

So, anyway I wanna know that if you are finding my jokes too adult and dirty, then I'll stop posting them here. What do you say?

2007-01-09 18:12:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Twice I have asked for humorious things just to make us laugh. Clean jokes are cool. My joke requests are taken off and I have even been wrote up for them. Is that now strange?

2007-01-09 17:53:51 · 9 answers · asked by grannywinkie 6

2007-01-09 17:47:00 · 18 answers · asked by The Answering Machine 4

eeeeeeerrrrrmmmm just me again tonight just feel like giving points away....?

2007-01-09 17:42:11 · 21 answers · asked by MissTee 2

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other
day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights
we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she
asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little
of that magic.

"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you
now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw
me."

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days."

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me,
saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself," she giggled.

So I told her to f**k off.

2007-01-09 17:41:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the similarity between a burnt toast & a pregnant girlfriend

2007-01-09 17:40:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

there are two guys in a gay bar bathroom . one looks over at the other and asks " i'm sorry that i looked , but you have to tell me what that thing is on your dick . " the other guy says " it's a patch , i'm down to 2 butts a day "

2007-01-09 17:38:35 · 15 answers · asked by j 1

Optimist or pessimist?

2007-01-09 17:35:43 · 33 answers · asked by whrldpz 7

Young children can figure this one out, but lets see if you can!
How far can a man run into the woods?

















































































































































Half way
because the other half he is running out of it!

2007-01-09 17:35:15 · 8 answers · asked by i love someone 2

A man wanted to divorce his wife because she always wanted sex. No matter what. When he'd come home from work she would jump his bones, after supper, after snake, and several times in the middle of the night, basically all the time.
So they went to court to get a divorce. The judge said Mr. why is it that you want a divorce. He said Your Honor...my wife is wants sex all the time. This has been going on for several years and I am sick of it.
The Judge said how about this...everytime she wants sex you should charge her.
100$ for in the bedroom
75$ in the shower
50$ in the living room
and
25$ in the kitchen
so they both agreed and signed the papers.

When they got home his wife started kissing him and touching im seductively. So they headed towards the bedroom,. So the wife said ouh lets go to the kitchen and f*** four times! :)):)):)):))

2007-01-09 17:30:38 · 12 answers · asked by i love someone 2

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

2007-01-09 17:21:58 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Feeling very lonely because her husband had died the year before, a lady decides to buy a parrot to keep her company.

'I’ve got just the thing for you,' says the pet-shop owner. 'This is Polly, a female parrot - she will chat sweetly to you all day.'

The lady is delighted and buys the bird. When she gets the parrot home she says, ‘Come on, Polly - say something.'

Polly says ‘My name is Polly. I like to **** and I want some sex!'

The old lady is shocked and nearly passes out. She leaves it for an hour or so and approaches the parrot once more. But no luck: 'My name is Polly and I want to ****!'

Just then her local pandit calls and the woman feels she must askhim for help. She explains her bad luck with the parrot.

'Don’t worry,’ says the pandit, 'I’ve got three parrots at home and I’ve taught them so well that all they do is pray all day! Let me take Polly to them and they’ll make her a good parrot.'

The widow agrees and so the pandit leaves with Polly. He gets home and tells his parrots, 'This is Polly, she is bad, you must teach her to be good.'

Polly shouts, ‘My name is Polly, I like to **** and I want sex now.'

The pandit’s parrots look at each other and one shouts, ‘I told you if we prayed long enough...'

2007-01-09 17:19:10 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

It is an old logic puzzle. One philosopher had a clock, which he had forgotten to wind up. He had no other clock, watch, radio, TV, phone or any other device telling the time. So when his clock stopped he went to a friend, stayed there the whole night and when he came home, he knew the right time. How could he know?

2007-01-09 17:12:38 · 8 answers · asked by me 1

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

2007-01-09 17:09:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his sergeant, "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, usually they just ride it into town."
http://360.yahoo.com/cosmo_z_kramer

2007-01-09 17:01:26 · 10 answers · asked by ? 3

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.

The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. "Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?" he asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: "First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this." The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

"Well," says the janitor, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500."
http://360.yahoo.com/cosmo_z_kramer

2007-01-09 16:58:07 · 4 answers · asked by ? 3

Ok so before i say anything, this really happened: Marie [my cousion], Angela [cousions mom 37 years old] Jan [ my mom] and me were talking and all of a sudden the subjest or global warming came up. Well, Angela insisted that there was no such thig as global warming and that it was called GLOBAL WARNING. Me my mom and my cousion laughed soo hard at her.. we had to prove to her that it was global warming.... LOL so has anything happened with you like this?

2007-01-09 16:51:19 · 8 answers · asked by ? 4

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

2007-01-09 16:43:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

....when you turned on your computer? Hello - we see ALL!!!! We know what you are doing, so don't be surprised if we hold it against you later! Pleasant dreams!

2007-01-09 16:42:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A brother and sister were on a team in a science competition. It was the brother's turn to answer, and the question was:

"What cellular process divides genetic information?"

The brother started turning red cause he didn't know the answer...his sibling knew, but they weren't allowed to converse. So she stomped on the tip of his shoe. He screamed:

"Ouch! That's my toe, Sis!"

2007-01-09 16:40:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jaspinder meets a her school friend after 20 years and tells her how her life has been great and that she has 10 children.

'Wow!' says her friend. 'What are their names?'

'Mandeep, Mandeep, Mandeep, Mandeep, Mandeep, Mandeep, Mandeep, Mandeep, Mandeep and Mandeep,' she answers, smiling proudly.

Her friend looks at her dubiously. 'Really?' she says. 'So what if you want them to come in from playing outside?'

'That's easy, I just shout Mandeep and they all come running,' answers Jaspinder.

Her friend is not convinced. 'And what if you want them to come to the table for dinner?' she asks. 'Again,' she says, 'I just shout 'Mandeep, dinner's ready!''

'But wait a minute,’ says her friend. 'What if you just want one of them to do something?'

'That is slightly more difficult,' says the woman, nodding. 'Then I have to use their last names.'

2007-01-09 16:23:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cleaning the toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.



This is just a joke cat lovers.

2007-01-09 15:59:36 · 17 answers · asked by mysticalviking 5

Whoever gets it right gets 'Best Answer'

2007-01-09 15:59:30 · 16 answers · asked by SNIPER 2

I have absolutley no jokes!!! All of my friends are amazing joke tellers and have millions of jokes but I have none! I don't care what kind of jokes, knock knock jokes, dumb blonde jokes, stupid jokes your mama jokes! ANYTHING! HELP HELP HELP!!!!

2007-01-09 15:58:59 · 9 answers · asked by Allie 2

my teacher wants some tomorrow, but the only catch is no riddles...

The more the better, thanks!

2007-01-09 15:50:15 · 2 answers · asked by Runningtom 2

I'm going on a school trip and all of the upperclassmen girls will be pranking the underclassmen girls. We need some more ideas... We will be staying in hotels, but we can get access to all of the rooms if we need to.

2007-01-09 15:48:22 · 6 answers · asked by Kelsey Lane 1

2007-01-09 15:48:12 · 5 answers · asked by °The Earth Goddess° 4