Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

I was driving home from school with my mom (driving), my friend, my sister and her friend. My sister and her friend were talking nonstop, and I couldn't get a word in. So I finally shouted out, "Sometimes I think girls have mouths were their ears should be."

My sister and her friend looked at me, looked at each other, and at the same time, said, "What?"

I busted a gut!

2007-01-09 15:33:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Other than "a long ride"

2007-01-09 15:30:11 · 19 answers · asked by Passion 3

a plane flying over the united states crashes on the border of canada. where do u bury the survivors?

what was the color of george washingtons white horse?

how many babies were born men in the last year?

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i know theyre cheesy but i got ur attention

2007-01-09 15:29:12 · 15 answers · asked by blue 4

2007-01-09 15:27:35 · 12 answers · asked by Passion 3

There is a guy named Singh, he is a tall, strong and very attractive guy – but unfortunately he is also a simpleton, i.e. dumb.

Singh is sitting on a rather empty train across from a sexy lady wearing a tight mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The lady realizes he is staring and asks,

LADY: “Are you looking at my pu**y?”

SINGH: “Yes, I'm sorry. I promise I won’t look at it again.”

LADY: “Hey, It's quite alright, It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you.”

Sure enough the pu**y blows him a kiss.

SINGH: “Wow! What else you pu**y can do?”

LADY: “I can also make it wink”

Singh stares in amazement as the pu**y winks at him.

LADY: “Come and sit next to me” (patting the seat)

Singh moves over. The woman is now visibly horny and asks Singh,

LADY: “Would you like to push a couple of your fingers in?”

SINGH: “What! Can it whistle, too?”

2007-01-09 15:19:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Flip it over

2007-01-09 15:18:58 · 14 answers · asked by maggielynn 3

I'm sorry, we've lost you records but tell me what you did wrong and we'll see what we can do." golfer said " Well I took the Lords name in vain once." St. Peter said "Explain." Golfer said " I teed up on a 600 yd. par five and hit the longest straightest drive of my life but some drunks were playing ahead of me and left a club in the fairway and my ball hit the club and bounced into the woods." "Is that when you, you know..." St Peter prompted. "No no, I had a line of sight @ the green between two trees so I got my 3 wood and hit the longest straightest farway drive I've ever hit: it bounced and rolled up on the green straight for the cup but the drunks had left a putter laying there and it hit the club and bounced into the bunker." "Is that when you.." St. Peter asked. "No no, I got my sand wedge and hit a beautiful shot that rolled to within six inches of the cup." "Is that when you took the Lords na"... "No!" cried the golfer. St. Peter said " Oh GODDAMN you DIDN"T miss that put!!"

2007-01-09 15:11:38 · 8 answers · asked by acesfourpal 4

Because Mad Cow Diease was taken

2007-01-09 14:59:09 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Worth 10 points!!!!!!!1

Needs to be creative!!!

2007-01-09 14:52:22 · 19 answers · asked by Volleyfreakk 2

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louella, was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.

The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ....

A Misdeweiner!

2007-01-09 14:47:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you were stuck on a deserted island, with unlimited food and water. You can only pick one.....
Soap, shampoo, a special edition vibrator, crank radio, a tent, sofa, unlimited supply of chocolate and ice cream.

2007-01-09 14:45:37 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

theroplayad

2007-01-09 14:44:02 · 6 answers · asked by ~♥~ *CHEEKY* ~♥~ 6

The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

2007-01-09 14:40:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Word has it that Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have published a new book. The title:

Ministers do More than Lay People

2007-01-09 14:39:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

2007-01-09 14:36:32 · 7 answers · asked by ~*Berry Me*~ 3

Well is he a friggin' slave catcher? I just saw a black guy with a white beard in a white suit walking around. It reminded of KFC.

2007-01-09 14:34:30 · 5 answers · asked by Lorenzo! 1

mind
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matter

and

man
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board

2007-01-09 14:32:42 · 8 answers · asked by ~♥~ *CHEEKY* ~♥~ 6

What would you do with your last 24 hours? I would sleep away most of it and then call up people in my family and friends and say I love you and then maybe eat at Denny's and then wait on the couch for Good Ol' Death to come a' knockin' for me!

2007-01-09 14:31:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Any other good bumper stickers?

2007-01-09 14:19:53 · 16 answers · asked by warp 2

wat's rough and hairy on d outside, sofe and wet on d inside starts with C and ends with T and has U and N in it.


a coconut u pervert. lol

2007-01-09 14:19:33 · 10 answers · asked by darkangel 2

Something that will have me going "Whoa!" and one that I might even tell my pals tommorow because it was so good.

Doesn't need to be a clean jokes Im up for suggestive ones!! Seriously I dont care what your sence of humour is give it all you got whether you blows or I may just lmao

THANKS
AND PEACE!

2007-01-09 14:15:18 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

if i had a picture of you that would be so nice i'll hang it in the cupboard 2 scare away the mice.

2007-01-09 13:57:28 · 5 answers · asked by darkangel 2

2007-01-09 13:49:22 · 13 answers · asked by shezza 1

he came early last night rested his body on mine, licked me , he secked me, he had his way with me untill he was satisfied, that f***ing mosquito

2007-01-09 13:44:54 · 10 answers · asked by darkangel 2

i wanted you to know dat our friendsship means alot 2 me. U cry i cry u laugh i laugh. U jump out the window.. i look down and den ... i laugh again.

2007-01-09 13:38:39 · 9 answers · asked by darkangel 2

Dear Connie ,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. **** like you wouldn't believe and an *** that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I've never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the ******* remote is.

Love, Dan

2007-01-09 13:32:33 · 12 answers · asked by mike_in_tex 2

if you had 1 lb. of feathers and a 1 lb. brick and you dropped them both from a building at the same time, which one would hit the ground first?

2007-01-09 13:10:41 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

keep scrolling down if u wanna see santa























act ur freakin age there is no santa!

2007-01-09 13:09:21 · 21 answers · asked by blue 4

Just wondering

2007-01-09 13:06:55 · 12 answers · asked by Dr.phil with hair™ 2

You know the type, where OIAM means One In A Million .....

So what is UUUUUU ... ( 1960's British Hit .... great vocals ) ....

But for ten points ... who sang it as well ??

2007-01-09 13:06:09 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous