Someone Elighten me with a joke?

Question

Something that will have me going "Whoa!" and one that I might even tell my pals tommorow because it was so good.

Doesn't need to be a clean jokes Im up for suggestive ones!! Seriously I dont care what your sence of humour is give it all you got whether you blows or I may just lmao

THANKS
AND PEACE!

Answer 1

ok here one why does a dog like hump ppl legs?
becouse they are so ******* houny when they are watch porn or girls dog or ppl on tc so they need hump ppl legs for the hell of it

Answer 2

Please forgive me if there are any Muslim terrorists out there reading this...it was sent to me by a friend of mine...couldn't resist.

"Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
No Jesus.
No Wal-Mart.
No television.
No cheerleaders.
No baseball.
No football.
No basketball.
No hockey.
No golf.
No tailgate parties.
No Home Depot.
No hot dogs. No burgers.
More than one wife. (HELLO, ARE YOU CRAZY?)
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
No chocolate chip cookies.
No Girl Scout cookies.
No Christmas.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really. IS THERE ANY MYSTERY HERE?"

Answer 3

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying

"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma.
Next day the grandmother died.

My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say
"God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

Answer 4

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

Answer 5

alternate punk way to propose to a woman
Ive spent sleepless nights thinkin about u.
Im sure my son would do the same for ur daughter too
I dont want to put him through the same as im going through
So why not make them brother and sister.
;)

Answer 6

Santa Singh, woke up after the annual office Diwali bash party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some breakfast in front of him.

'Jaswinder' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'

'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete *** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'

'He's an asshole,' Santa Singh said. 'Piss on him.'

'You did,' came the reply. 'And he fired you.'

'Well, screw him!' said Santa Singh.

'I did. You're back at work on Monday.'

Answer 7

why aren't there any restaurants on the moon?







because there's no ATMOSPHERE!

ahahahha