Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

If two wrongs don't make a right, do three lefts make a right?

2007-01-09 22:00:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

2007-01-09 21:37:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-09 21:36:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-09 21:19:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chinese Consultant A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date nor any sex in quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went and saw him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said,

"OK, take off aw your crows."

She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.

"Now," said Wang, "get dow on knees and craw reery, reery, fass away from me to the other side of room."

Having done that Dr. Wang said, "Okay, now turn around and craw reery, reery fass to me."

Once again she obliged.

Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, "OK, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you have Ed Zachary Disease,. worse case I ever see... that why you not have dates, that why you not have sex.

Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your @ss."

2007-01-09 21:18:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

jam in the world.....?

2007-01-09 21:03:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

have you ever on tv, mag,(not toons) or anything, have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a narrow tree??

2007-01-09 20:50:22 · 19 answers · asked by Arnaq 5

40 Gypsies died and went to heaven. They turned up at the Pearly Gates and asked St Peter to let them in.

He said that they didn't have room for all 40 of them. He only had room for 5, so they should go away and think about who would come in.

A short while later St Peter went to see God and said "They've gone!"

God replied, "What, the Pikeys"?



"No the F*cking gates"!!!!

2007-01-09 20:27:47 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-09 20:25:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a fish in the water thinking, gosh! if that fly goes down three
inches i
can eat him. there was a bear on the shore thinking, gosh! if that fly goes
down
three inches---that fish will jump for the fly---and i will eat him. it also
happened
that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese
sandwich. gosh! he thought, if that fly goes down three inches---and that
fish
leaps for it-- that bear will expose himself and, grab for the fish. I will
shoot the
bear---and, then have a proper lunch.
a wee mouse near the hunters foot was thinking, gosh if that fly goes down
three
inches and that fish jumps for that fly and that bear grabs for that fish
the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich . a cat
lurking
in the bushes took in this scene and thought ,as was fashionable to do on
the bank
of this particular lakr around lunchtime,
gosh if that fly goes down three inches and that fish grabs for that fly,
and that bear
grabs for that fish,and that hunter shoots the bear,and that mouse makes off
with
the cheese sandwich then I can have mouse for lunch,,,
the poor fly is finally so hot and dry that he heads down for the cooling
mist of
the water, the fish swallows the fly--the bear grabs for the fish--the
hunter shoots the
bear--the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich--the cat jumps for the mouse
the mouse ducks,
the cat falls into the water and drowns
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS






WHENEVER A FLY GOES DOWN THREE INCHES---- SOMEWHERE

THERE IS A ***** IN TROUBLE.

2007-01-09 20:14:29 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your Age In Chocolate (if it doesnt work, woops:)

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway--but the Hershey Man will know!

It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read ...

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 .... If you haven't, add 1755.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e, how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!) is it??

2007-01-09 20:13:37 · 28 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

So while the plane is in the air filled to capacity, suddenly the plane starts rumbling. The pilot assures everyone: "is just a little turbulance ladies and gents".

Then a few moments later the plane shakes violently again, The pilot comes on the loudspeaker again: "sorry folks but the plane is overloaded, were gonna have to dump all the luggage". Everyone starts cursing and get upset while the luggage is thrown out the window.

The plane shakes again, but this time starts diving down to the ocean: Pilot: "sorry folks but we're still to heavy we're gonna have to dump the seats".

That doesn't help (use your imaginations here) there is nothing left to dump so the flight attendants start removing the floor from the plane. Everyone of the passengers is hanging from a pole (chin up bar type thing).

2007-01-09 20:12:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-09 20:10:41 · 24 answers · asked by blyeo2 1

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

2007-01-09 20:07:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to the doctor & says his genitals have turned orange.The doctor says, "I've never seen anything like this before, does it hurt?"He says no."Are u very sexually active?", the doctor asks again.He says no.He says all I do is watch pornos & eat my cheetos.

2007-01-09 20:06:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this blonde who wanted to go to Harvard. She was told since she was little that she'll never make it, that she is just not smart enough. So she worked really hard to prove everybody wrong, she maintained a 4.0 GPA all through high school, became valedictorian and graduated with honors.

She continue this in college and then in graduate school finally obtaining her PhD, graduating magna *** ladae and all that good stuff.

Then she posed for playboy, and became a famous porn star.






Hey I didn't say it was good..........lol..........I need to get some sleep.

2007-01-09 20:00:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i think i'm getting the hang of this. this is a modified american joke, tailored specially for the UK. you might not think it's funny since we don't understand humor and all...

okay...here it goes (clears throat):

Q: what's the difference between a hoover and a chav on a motorbike?



A: the location of the dirtbag!
.

2007-01-09 19:50:39 · 20 answers · asked by soren 6

Two hungry beggars were crossing the street when they saw some maggots crawling over some cold rotten food on the road. Since they were so hungry they wanted to eat it, but there was only enough for one. The first beggar then told the second beggar to eat first seeing how much more desperate he is. Shortly after the second beggar hungrily ate the maggots and cold rotten food up, he started to feel nausea and threw up on the floor. Thats when the other beggar clapped excitedly and cheered,"YEAHHH JOY TO THE LORD!!!WARM FOOD AT LAST!!!!"

2007-01-09 19:50:33 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river to get a drink. The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree
with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the
river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!" The monkey looks down
"Damn Dude! How much water did you drink?!"

2007-01-09 19:45:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde is on her way to work one day when she passes a shop and notices a shinny object in the window. Curious what it is, she goes in and asks the clerk.

"Its a thermos"
"What does it do?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

So she buys it and taks it to work with her.

A little while later her boss another blonde, walks by and sees the thermos.

"What is it?"

"Its a thermos"
"What does it do?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

"What do you have in it?"
"Two cups of cofee and a popsicle."

2007-01-09 19:41:58 · 12 answers · asked by clomtancy 5

see if i remember this right

A girl is new in the school. She gets into class and the teacher wants to have her tell everyone her name.

"My name is texas"

the teacher tells her that she is probably confused that thats where she's from, and to please say her name again.

"My name is texas"

the kids by now are laughign at her and the teacher doesnt want to cause more problems. So she sends the girl to the principal's office.

Later that day she is out on the Playground with other kids, and a mean kid comes up to her and asks her her name.

"My name is texas"

well she is by then crying because no one seems to believ her.

the boy asks her several more times her name and everytime she says the same thing.

Later that day the boy is at home and his mom walks in and sees him cleaning a knife.

"Where did that blood come from?"

"It came from deep in the heart of texas"

2007-01-09 19:37:15 · 14 answers · asked by clomtancy 5

An old man shuffles up to an old lady in a rest home. He says "I bet you can't guess how old I am" She says she can.
She tells him to turn around, he does.
Drop your pants, he does.
" Spread your butt cheeks" she says, he does.
"Wider" she says, he spreads them wider.
She says " you are 94."
The old guy is amazed! "How did you know that"?
She says " you tell me how old you are everyday!"

2007-01-09 19:33:19 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

This happened back in the 80's in Moscow.

Two Russians are talking in Gorky Park. One of them had just come back from a trip to America. While there, he got a chance to see Disney world. He was so facinated by the place he rushed back and told his friend all about it.

"They had everything, Science land, tommorrow land, fantasy land, and much more."

the other guy is just amazed by what he is being told.

"Man i wish we had that sort of thing here. It would be so cool"

the first guy looks at him, "We do, we have it all here"

The other guy looks around confused, "Where? I have never seen it."

"We call it free open elections".

2007-01-09 19:32:18 · 6 answers · asked by clomtancy 5

An army of ants build an anthill. Along comes this elephant , kicks it over & runs off laughing. But they don't give up, they build a bigger one. But again he comes & kicks it over. Now the ants are pissed, so they set up a plan.They build the anthill by a tree, climb up the tree & wait for him to come by so they can then all jump on him. One of the ants says, "here he comes!!!When I count to three jump".They all jump & land on his back but the elephant just shakes them off .....except for one ant on the back of his neck. All the other ants start yelling, "choke him!!!!!" "choke him!!!!!!!!"

2007-01-09 19:31:55 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night performing cunnilingus on Mary. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the feck out of here!" The waiter apologises as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

2007-01-09 19:30:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-09 19:30:34 · 6 answers · asked by Keith D 1

An america soldier is in france training with the french army. One day he is trying to talk to a french soldier and find out what his profession is.. Problem is that he cant speak french and the other guy cant speak english very well. So to help he uses hand signals to show his meaning.

"Are you a paratrooper?" he uses a hand to show a parachute falling t the ground. the guy just shrugs.

"Are you a infantry soldier?" he uses two fingers to show a guy walking. again a shrug.

"Are you a gunner?" he puts his hands out in front and shakes as if firing a big gun. again a shrug.

"Are you a spy?" he forms binoculars with his hands and holds them to his eyes and lowers them. Again a shrug.

Finally the american gives up and leaves. A little while later the french soldier is talking with some friends, "Man those americans, they sure are gay.. one of them told me, that tonight.. when the sun goes down.. he's gonna sneak up behind me and screw me till my eyes fall out."

2007-01-09 19:29:30 · 8 answers · asked by clomtancy 5

This question came up in a quiz but I could not answer it. The anagram is
panloena ymndotie
I think the clue was TV or Film. Any answers?

2007-01-09 19:24:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You and your friend decides to race to get to sleep first, how do you determine the winner? Winner should be the one who gets to sleep first.

2007-01-09 19:03:38 · 14 answers · asked by mimosopher 2

there were 4 friends: somebody,nobody,sense and mad.
they went to a park. as soon as they entered the park sense told that he wnted to go to the toilet and he left the group.
while walking somebody and nobody saw a pizza and as there was only one they started fighting for it.
both killed each other. mad seeing this went and called the police and said"sir somebody killed noby and nobody killed somebody"
the policeman asked" are you mad??"
mad replied" yes sir im mad. how do you no?"
the policeman clearly irritated asked" where are your sense?'
then mad replied"that is in the toilet sir"

was it funny??

2007-01-09 18:52:57 · 17 answers · asked by KEERTHI 1