Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

You might be a Redneck if you don't question why they call it a "toothbrush" instead of a "teethbrush."

2007-01-10 06:49:29 · 12 answers · asked by Maverick 6

the leash goes slack

2007-01-10 06:46:55 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The blonde, red head , and brunette were being chased by the cops. So the ran down an alley. The red head hid with the horses the brunette hid with cows and the blonde hid i a sack of potatoes.
The cops came. they went to the horses and the red head said"niegh" they said everythiongs ok here so the went to th ecows. the brunette said "mooo" the said everything ok here then they went to the potatoes. the blond said "po-ta-toes"

2007-01-10 06:44:51 · 8 answers · asked by twistedringpop 1

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night.
Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete *** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!"
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said Bob.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

2007-01-10 06:40:22 · 13 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

2007-01-10 06:38:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

So we will be moving.....do you like it there?

2007-01-10 06:30:24 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but “Maxwell House”. Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, “good ‘till the last drop”.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Benson & Hedges”. Mon now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: “Extra Long. King Size”. She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: “British Airways”. Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways”.
Mom fainted.

2007-01-10 06:24:44 · 34 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

There was this man, and he had just bought a bar. He didnt have a name for it so he asked for help. His friend said, "Hey man. Whats ur girlfriends name?" And the man said, "Sally." The friend said, "Whats your favorite part of Sally's body?" The guy said her legs. Do the name of the bar was called SALLY'S LEGS.

One afternoon, there was a guy sitting out in his car in fron of the bar when a police man came over and said, "Hey, you cant park right here. What are you waiting for?"
The man in the car replied, "Oh, sorry officer. It's just that I'm thirsty, and I'm waiting for Sally's legs to open."

LOL LOL

2007-01-10 06:09:09 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Speed Limit
============

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where
I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I
supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys,
"what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of
them piped up.

"That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"

2007-01-10 06:08:38 · 9 answers · asked by kimmycat 4

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education teacher.
One got a D+, the second got a D-, and the third boy got an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.

"I agree, we'll grab her...." said the second boy.

"Yeah," said the third boy, "and then we'll kick her in the nuts!"


...what happens next?

2007-01-10 06:02:33 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus; In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.What was the name of the bus driver?

2007-01-10 06:01:38 · 13 answers · asked by KaShae 4

A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED,SWEATING AND PANTING.
"WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.
I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.
>
HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"

THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM,PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR. "YOU ROTTEN S.O.A.B.," SAYS THE
HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE
KIDS!"

2007-01-10 05:56:36 · 28 answers · asked by Miss Tickle 4

If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

2007-01-10 05:54:37 · 8 answers · asked by KaShae 4

in the movie matrix chuck norris is the matrix. if you pay close attention in the green falling code scenes you can make out the faint texture of his beard

2007-01-10 05:52:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-10 05:52:33 · 2 answers · asked by zatarav 1

Tell me your best sms or text joke?

2007-01-10 05:51:57 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

the opposite destination?

2007-01-10 05:49:41 · 14 answers · asked by kasar777 3

2007-01-10 05:49:28 · 2 answers · asked by zatarav 1

He asks her...where were you stung? she answers, between the 1st and 2nd hole. The golf pro says..your stance is too wide.

2007-01-10 05:43:34 · 8 answers · asked by brokerman74067 4

2007-01-10 05:42:48 · 7 answers · asked by Satan 2

a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!" One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!" The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

2007-01-10 05:41:39 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

...from point A to B to look for food one evening. It took 1 hour to get there. The next MORNING, it flew back to point A but it took 2 hours instead. Why is that?

(Hint: Assume point A - B is in a straight line)

2007-01-10 05:38:05 · 9 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

Why don't they make an airplane out of the same material as the indestructable back box?
How do the "Do not walk on grass" signs get there?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

2007-01-10 05:21:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

in the x-men movies, none of the x-men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

2007-01-10 05:20:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did god give men nipples?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Do chikens think rubber humans are funny?
Why do signs that say "slow children" have a picture of a child running?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If dolphins are so smart, why are they always getting caught in tuna nets?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
If a rabbits foot is so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why do joggers never smile?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will break in and clean them?
Why is it called a "building" if it's already built?
How deep would the ocean be without sea-sponges?
So what's the speed of dark?
If a man overdoses on viagra, how do they get the coffin lid shut?

2007-01-10 05:18:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man had just recently went through a bitter divorce with his ex-wife. One day, he finds a genie lamp, and the genie says, "I will give you three wishes, but BE WARNED-for everything I grant you, your ex-wife will get twice as much."

"I wish I had a billion dollars in my account!" the man said.

"Granted," said the genie, "But now your ex has 2 billion dollars in her account."

The man then says, "I wish I had ten beautiful women that did everything I said."

"Granted," said the genie, "But now your wife has 20 men TWICE as sexy and did twice as much as expected of them."

The guy thinks hard about his last wish, and finally says, "I want you to beat me half to death..."

2007-01-10 05:17:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need help wit some hink pinks!!!!!
a burglar alarm: 5 letters in both words, a place for holding reading matter: 4 letters in both words, a container for a banner: 4 in 1st word and 3 in 2nd, a scarecrow: 4 in 1st 3 in 2nd, a wig: 5 in 1st and 4 in 2nd thxs

2007-01-10 05:16:58 · 2 answers · asked by Sheesh 1

2007-01-10 05:09:22 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-10 05:08:10 · 4 answers · asked by Grand Master Spank!!! 1

Every morning a man leaves his flat on the 45th floor of a tower block....using the lift he descends to the ground floor and goes to work.....each evening he returns enters the lift and travels to the 33rd floor.....he gets out and walks up the stairs to his flat on the 45 th floor......why does he do this each evening?

2007-01-10 04:57:17 · 14 answers · asked by cosmic 2