Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Like it goes on for ages, and leaves u in suspense, of knowing something and then in the end it never tells the hearer, and the hearer end up begging to know what the thing was. Hard to describe...so does anyone know what im talking about and can you give me em all. I'm not sure whether its classified a joke or riddle but i dunno where else to put.

2006-12-28 06:20:45 · 4 answers · asked by Spring is Awesome 1

A drunk guy is telling a bartender how much he loves gambling, and that he never loses. Just then, this other guy walks in bragging that he can sit eyes closed with his back facing the bar, and name what kind and how old any beer or wine is that you give him. Only by taste and smell.
The drunk who had been there before hears this and thinks to himself, ''This would be an easy way to win some money.''

So he goes over to guy and says, ''I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name.''

''You're on,'' replies the braggart, ''as long as you pay.''

''Deal!''

''So the gambler puts the first drink on the table. The guy closes his eyes picks up the drink and takes a sip and smells it thinks for a while and says, ''Imported white wine 3 years old.''

Stunned, the gambler pays for another drink and puts it on the table. The man picks it up sips it and smells then replies, ''Jack Daniels 2 years old.''

Stunned once more the gambler realizes that he is short on cash and he needs to win the next round. Again the guy picks up the glass and sips it, gags and spits it out. ''This tastes like piss!''

''Yeah,'' says the gambler, ''now guess how old I am!''

2006-12-28 06:20:16 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

pls explain... im just really wondering why it isn't any other shape...

2006-12-28 06:18:03 · 13 answers · asked by Mer celest 2

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''
''Why? Don't ye believe me?''

2006-12-28 06:15:06 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm.

One drunk says to the other drunk, “Did you sleep with my wife last night?”

To which the other drunk replies, “Not a wink.”

2006-12-28 06:11:38 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

hmmm....

2006-12-28 06:04:30 · 18 answers · asked by Mer celest 2

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and a certain Train Operating Company ...

Gentlemen,

I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,


A Commuter

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

Larnrod Eireann

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gentlemen,

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ***.

That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.

Yours truly,

A Commuter

2006-12-28 05:44:22 · 16 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

2006-12-28 05:34:31 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-28 05:29:04 · 19 answers · asked by kelly 1

Three people were out for dinner and thier meal costed $10 each, they all gave the waitress a $10 note each which comes to $30. When the waitress took the $30 to the boss, he told her to return $5 to the three. On the way back, the waitress put $2 in her own pocket as she did not know how to split $5 between 3 people. She then gave the diners back $1 each.... Now because the diners got a $1 discount each off thier $10 meals that is a total of $27, plus $2 the waitress stole is $29. Where is the other dollar???

2006-12-28 05:27:24 · 6 answers · asked by Doctor Gonzo 2

2006-12-28 05:26:30 · 6 answers · asked by kelly 1

2006-12-28 05:20:59 · 11 answers · asked by Lynnea M 2

Heres a joke...its not clean...so read it if u want but if you don't want to then just tell me the funniest joke you heard this month.

A group of women were in shared house, showering, when they heard a knock at the door.

Naked they went to the door to ask who was knocking. "Who is it?", they said.

And the guy answers "blind man". They think for a second, and
decide it's ok to let him come in without putting on any clothes because he's blind, then to ask him why he knocked.

One of the women opens the door and the guy enters and says "Nice boobs ladies, now where do you want the blinds".

...Get it?

2006-12-28 05:15:23 · 21 answers · asked by Spring is Awesome 1

2006-12-28 05:09:25 · 40 answers · asked by Sappho 4

You could completely exterminate it from this planet and 10 years later there would be just as many existing as there are today.

2006-12-28 05:09:22 · 5 answers · asked by stratos201_2000 2

why do hummimg birds hum?

2006-12-28 05:00:35 · 14 answers · asked by montanna l 1

2006-12-28 04:56:15 · 6 answers · asked by Mathieu L 1

THE COFFIN
-----------------

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise...

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly... it was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, so he started walking faster...

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

2006-12-28 04:45:20 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

any incident or face, person or memory you can share which made u smile from ear to ear instantly ?

2006-12-28 04:43:48 · 22 answers · asked by uma 2

2006-12-28 04:39:46 · 7 answers · asked by suresh r 1

1. There are three apples in a basket, and there are three people as well. What will you do so a person can get an apple and a basket?

2. How many birthday can an average person have?

3. You are in a house. Suddenly, there is a blackout. You have a wooden-stick, an old newspaper, and a match. Which will you lite first?

4. There is a mistake in the following equation, find it out.
8+8 = 8 x 2

Just give them a try.....

2006-12-28 04:38:19 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-28 04:37:22 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Kasey likes marc but Marc likes Sarah, Sarah likes Michale, Michale is going out with Kasey. Marc thinks his girlfiend, Melenie is cheating on him. Melenie is not cheating but she does like Marc. Marc's best firends sister is Sarah who likes Michale AND Marc. She only likes people who's first name starts with M. who is Sarah going out with?

2006-12-28 04:37:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man came home from work with 50 quid in his pocket
where did you get that asked his wife
oh i won it in a bet at work.
really what did you have to do
i had to put my c.ock in the pickle slicer,
drop your pants, oh thank goodness it looks ok. but wait what about the pickle slicer

thats ok too she loved it as well

2006-12-28 04:27:27 · 33 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Find the error. It's impossible!
AA
BB
CC
DD
EE
FF
GG
HH
II
JJ
KK
LL
MM
NN
OO
PP
QQ
RR
SS
TT
UU
VV
WW
XX
YY
ZZ

Did you know that 80% of UCSD students could not find the error above?

2006-12-28 04:26:19 · 38 answers · asked by whl04031998 2

Who thinks that this is the most surreal thing that you have ever seen

http://www.killsometime.com/animations/animation.asp?ID=109

2006-12-28 04:07:11 · 20 answers · asked by Kemodo 344™ 3

It's rated Arrrrrr!

2006-12-28 04:03:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley's Comet can be seen. During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen.

2. US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen.

3. The "57" on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had.

4. Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world's garbage annually. On average, that's 3 pounds a day per person.

5. Giraffes and rats can last longer without water than camels.

6. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks so that it doesn't digest itself.

7. 98% of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim.

8. A B-25 bomber crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945.

9. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

10. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

11. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

12. Benjamin Franklin was the fifth in a series of the youngest son of the youngest son.

13. Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number 13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of Friday the 13th (which occurs one to three times a year). In Italy, 17 is considered an unlucky number. In Japan, 4 is considered an unlucky number.

14. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

15. All the chemicals in a human body combined are worth about 6.25 euro (if sold separately).

16. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.

17. The ZIP in "ZIP code" means Zoning Improvement Plan.

18. Coca-Cola contained Coca (whose active ingredient is cocaine) from 1885 to 1903.

19. A "2 by 4" is really 1 1/2 by 3 1/2.

20. It's estimated that at any one time around 0.7% of the world's population is drunk.

21. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades = David ; Clubs = Alexander the Great ; Hearts = Charlemagne ; Diamonds = Caesar

22. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

23. Every person, including identical twins, has a unique eye and tongue print along with their finger print.

24. The "spot" on the 7-Up logo comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.
25. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.

26. The "save" icon in Microsoft Office programs shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.

27. Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin both married their first cousins (Elsa Löwenthal and Emma Wedgewood respectively).

28. Camel's have three eyelids.

29. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents every day.

30. John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.

31. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.

32. Chocolate can kill dogs; it directly affects their heart and nervous system.

33. Daniel Boone hated coonskin caps.

34. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

35. 55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.

36. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

37. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

38. Dr. Seuss pronounced his name "soyce".

39. Slugs have four noses.

40. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

41. The Three Wise Monkeys have names: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).

42. India has a Bill of Rights for cows.

43. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. (DON'T TRY IT, DUMBASS)

44. During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing.

45. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by taking out an olive from First Class salads.

46. About 200,000,000 M&Ms are sold each day in the United States.

47. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

48. Over a course of about eleven years, the sun's magnetic poles switch places. This cycle is called "Solarmax".

49. There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess.

50. Upper and lower case letters are named "upper" and "lower" because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.

2006-12-28 03:38:24 · 32 answers · asked by me here, where are you? 3

2006-12-28 03:31:42 · 23 answers · asked by Killer_dancing_babe666xxx 1

two young men are in the pub, one turns to the other and says,
"Did you see the news on TV about the model village at Blackpool catching fire?"
The other guy puts his pint down and says
"No I didn't, what happened?"
His friend says.
"You could see the flames from about a foot away!"

2006-12-28 03:31:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous