Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

a daughter comes from school one day and says "mommy, mommy, all the other kids can only say ABC but i can say up to G. See ABCDEFG.is that because i am blonde mommy" The mother says"yes my darling"
The next day the daughter comes home and says "mommy, mommy, all the other kids can only count up to 3 but i can count up to 10. See 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. is that because i am blonde mommy" the mother says"yes my darling"
The next day the daughter comes home and says" mommy, mommy, when we went to have a shower after the gym class, when the girls took off their tops they all had flat chests, but i have these" and she lifted up her top and showed her mom a pair of 36C's"that very nice"said an embarresed mother
"is that because i am blonde mommy." "no my darling it is because you are 26"

2006-11-14 07:07:43 · 13 answers · asked by Megan H 2

I am a genius ain't i?My IQ is 567

2006-11-14 07:02:31 · 15 answers · asked by buzzard 1

i am presenting my school talent show infront of 1000 people roughly, but i have a problem as people always think i am funny but its gonna be alot harder telling jokes and stuff to loads of people, so do u have any good jokes which u dont mind sharing, it would be very much aprreciated.

2006-11-14 06:56:57 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."
************
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

2006-11-14 06:56:22 · 25 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-11-14 06:48:22 · 11 answers · asked by bogbrush 1

2006-11-14 06:47:29 · 16 answers · asked by davidd 3

2006-11-14 06:46:39 · 3 answers · asked by bogbrush 1

2006-11-14 06:44:27 · 7 answers · asked by bogbrush 1

what is the best joke you have ever heard? know more than one good joke?

2006-11-14 06:41:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

by this big river in Afrca when i saw this little head sticking out of a crocodiles mouth , i said to my mate , jeez look at that , he said , what a flash b*stard , he's got a lacoste sleeping bag !

2006-11-14 06:41:05 · 9 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

Ok, I have two clues to see if you can guess the answer. The answer is only one word long though.

#1. Originated from France

#2. Regional varieties exist


I'll post ONE new clue a day! So guess away.

2006-11-14 06:41:04 · 22 answers · asked by blondejedimaster 1

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

2006-11-14 06:38:28 · 29 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Whats better then winning the special olympics?

.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
Not being retarded!














I think its funny and I don't want to offend anyone but if I did I'm sorry. And yes I know "I'm sick, or I'm a sick f)uck or I suck."

2006-11-14 06:38:08 · 10 answers · asked by Shorty 4

Whats better then winning the special olympics?

.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
Not being retarded!














I think its funny and I don't want to offend anyone but if I did I'm sorry. And yes I know "I'm sick, or I'm a suck f)uck or I suck."

2006-11-14 06:37:32 · 2 answers · asked by Shorty 4

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The birch says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

2006-11-14 06:34:59 · 4 answers · asked by Mash 2

2006-11-14 06:29:42 · 13 answers · asked by jerrod m 1

2006-11-14 06:29:13 · 8 answers · asked by jerrod m 1

A mate of mine bought a blow-up doll a few years ago. He told me in all seriousness that it was just like the real thing, so I decided to buy one of the same.
After a couple of sessions, he asked me how I found it for realism.
I said, "Realism? I caught a fu**ing dose it!"

2006-11-14 06:20:05 · 15 answers · asked by Roy S 3

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"

2006-11-14 06:18:02 · 11 answers · asked by chanda 3

There was this black guy, Markus, and his black wife Thelma, and they weren't very rich or very popular with the others in their small town.

But one night they got an invitation to go to a Halloween party. They were so excited, because they've never been invited to a party before.

So Markus said, "Thelma, go down to that costume shop, and get me the finest costume they got, while I'm gone to work."

"Alright", she replied.

The next day, when Markus returned home from work he found a Superman costume laying on the kitchen table.

"Thelma, I told you to get the finest costume." he told her.

"I did." Thelma replied.

"Thelma tell me this, have you ever seen a black Superman. Now you go back down there tomorrow and you get me the finest costume they got."

"Alright", she replied.

So the next day Thelma went back to the costume shop, and returned home with another costume.

When Markus returned home and saw a Spiderman costume on the table, he was starting to get irritated.

"Thelma, now, have you ever seen a black Spiderman!?" he yelled. "now you get your a-s-s down there and get me the finest costume they got."

By this time Thelma was furious. The next day, she didn't go down to that costume shop, instead she just stayed at home and searched for a costume there.

When Markus returned home from work he saw some cotton balls, a 2 by 4, and a bucket of white paint lying on the table. "THELMA! That party is tonight and you still haven't got me a costume."

Thelma looked at the table an looked back at him. "Markus, I did so get the costume, you can take these cotton balls and put them all other your body and go as a domino. Or you can take the paint and paint the middle of yourself and go as an Oreo, or you can take that 2 by 4 and shove it up your a-s-s and go as a fudgecicle."

2006-11-14 06:17:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

"This'll be the best you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.

"Wow! That was the best I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."

2006-11-14 06:14:29 · 7 answers · asked by chanda 3

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.

The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."

2006-11-14 06:09:32 · 8 answers · asked by chanda 3

It was in the middle of the street and in Disco pants While dancing to disco music. (I have never had drugs before in my life.)

2006-11-14 06:09:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
3. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."


That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction and awaited the results.

The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

2006-11-14 06:09:06 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-14 06:02:59 · 7 answers · asked by ? 1

John had a terrible accident which mangled his private parts, requiring they be removed. His spirit was broken.

His doctor told him: "John, all is not lost. I can make you better than before. It is possible for us to replace your lost member with a prostetic. However, the procedure is considered cosmetic and would not be paid by your insurance.

The hope of regaining his manly prowess lifted John's heart to ask: "How much would it cost?"

His doctor explained: "You can get the 4 inch model for £6,000.00 (John's frown quickly faded); or the 6 incher for £7,500.00 (John began to smile); or you may have the 9 inch version for £10,000.00." (John grinned as his eyes widened with anticipation)

"But normally I insist that the decision be made only after you've consulted with your wife"

John happily agreed, and set off for home.

Upon his next return, the doctor asked for his decision. John hung his head sadly, replying: "She said for that kind of money, she'd rather a new kitchen."

2006-11-14 05:58:21 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Correct answer wins 10 points. Explain your answer.

2006-11-14 05:57:19 · 19 answers · asked by leazngurl 5

Two guys are moving about in a huge supermarket when they collide.

One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was actually looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, the other guy responded, "I'm looking for my wife as well, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well," said the first guy, "Maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with long red hair, long firm legs, huge **** and a very nice tight ***. What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind," said the other guy enthusiastically, "Let's look for yours!"

2006-11-14 05:55:15 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A royal was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my", said the Royal, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry , but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors' orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he has been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a very real danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."

"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Royal.

On the next floor they passed a room where a nubile young nurse was giving patient a ********.

"Oh my", said the Royal, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem - but he's with Private Medical."

2006-11-14 05:51:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

the fishermen love me. the doctors hate me. kids want 2 eat me. im a 13 lettr word..who m i??????
clue: _H_T_ _ _I_ _ME_.

2006-11-14 05:48:51 · 8 answers · asked by m wat i m 2