Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-14 10:43:03 · 13 answers · asked by ? 5

2006-11-14 10:37:36 · 8 answers · asked by monapepper 2

2006-11-14 10:34:58 · 17 answers · asked by ? 5

2006-11-14 10:30:06 · 13 answers · asked by ? 5

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

2006-11-14 10:29:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I hear that all the time in old movies 'There was traveling saleman and he stoped at a farm (the farmer's daughter....)' is there a ending to that?

2006-11-14 10:21:54 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".

2006-11-14 10:19:48 · 10 answers · asked by the_sac_kings_r_number_1 1

A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of tequila.
The bartender asks, "Why so many buddy?"
The man replies, "I'm celebrating my first ********".

The bartender says, "Well hell, congratulations, I will give you one on the house for free."

The man says, "No thank you, if the first 6 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth one more won't make a difference."

2006-11-14 10:11:13 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

2006-11-14 10:09:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

2006-11-14 10:09:22 · 6 answers · asked by the_sac_kings_r_number_1 1

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the alley when they decided they were beginning to get sober. They first checked their pockets to see how much money they had on them. They were disappointed to only find $1.25. Finally, after deep thought, one of the men got an idea. He went to a hot dog stand and bought a hot dog. He walked back to the alley and told the friend that he had found the way to get some free drinks.

They went to the first bar and began drinking shots of hard liquor. Finally, the bartender told the two that if they wanted any more drinks, they better show him that they had some money to pay for it. The man with the hot dog opened his zipper and put the wiener through the opening. He had his friends get down and start sucking on it. The bartender cursed them and made them leave, calling them *******. They went to another bar and got the same response. They did this at about 20 different bars until they became dog drunk. They staggered back to the alley and lay down waiting to pass out. One of the drunks turned over to the other and said, "Man I have got to admit, that hot dog trick worked great."

At this, the other drunk turned looked at him with a sheepish grin and said, "What hot dog? I ate it at the second bar!"

2006-11-14 10:09:22 · 12 answers · asked by G 1

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.

The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."

2006-11-14 10:04:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Me and my friend are kinda mean people i guess... we make up stuff about people.. and make up names for people.. etc.

SO, today i was in one of my classes sitting next to her and she said "ok come up with a new name for _____."

So i thought for about 25 seconds and came up with one.
Then i kinda laughed one laugh and said to her:
"ok.. here it is: Big Vag"
And we laughed so hard.

NOW do you think im funny? because me and her are both pretty funny people and we crack eachother up. IM SO FUNNY RITE????????

2006-11-14 10:02:26 · 25 answers · asked by Fernesta 1

What do you think is the funniest qoute ever?

2006-11-14 10:00:15 · 10 answers · asked by Shorty 4

2006-11-14 09:59:27 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-14 09:56:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-14 09:51:35 · 17 answers · asked by Charlie 1

An old couple were sitting in Church on Sunday.
She leans across to him and whispers in his ear "I've just dropped a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He replies "Change the batteries in your hearing aid"

2006-11-14 09:44:55 · 23 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

2006-11-14 09:41:08 · 5 answers · asked by jubilee1005 1

A mobster had found the perfect person to keep his books: a deaf-mute CPA. Whenever the mobster and the accountant needed to communicate, the accountant's brother, who was one of the mobster's lawyers, would use sign language and serve as an interpreter. One day the mobster realized his books were short $3 million. He called in the two brothers. Looking at the lawyer and pointing to the accountant, he screamed, "You tell this son-of-a-***** I want to know where my money is!"

The brothers conversed briefly, and the lawyer reported that his brother had no idea what the mobster was talking about. Furious, the mobster put a gun to the accountant's head and screamed at the lawyer brother, "Tell this bastard that he lets me know -- right now -- where the damn money is or I'll blow his brains out!"

The lawyer told this to his brother, who immediately explained -- in frantic sign language -- that the money was hidden in a suitcase under his basement steps.

"Well? What'd he say?" yelled the mobster.

The lawyer shrugged, "He says you don't have the balls."

2006-11-14 09:40:45 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

She sees a man w****in' and says ''whats wrong with him''?
Doc says ''he has too much sperm and must do that 5 times a day

Then she sees a nurse giving a man a ******** and asks''whats wrong with him''?

Doc says ''same thing but he's with Bupa''!


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They don't normally celebrate christmas in thailand but this year...

They're HANGING GLITTER


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Man kneeling by his bed ... wife says ''what are you praying for''?

Husband says ''guidance'' ... wife says.... ''just pray for stiffness ...

I'll fcuking guide it myself''!

2006-11-14 09:40:09 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

SMART ALECK ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

2006-11-14 09:39:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

SMART ALECK ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

2006-11-14 09:37:39 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees a guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and goes to leave, when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, okay, sure. I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"

Bob says, "Okay."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"

Bob replies, "Uh, yeah. Okay."

Bob pulls it out, and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps on it, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, and scars. It reeks something awful. The guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points it for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in, and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

2006-11-14 09:36:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's the difference between your ex girlfreind and the Panama Canal?





Well,
The canal is a Busy Ditch
The ex is a dizzy *****

2006-11-14 09:32:45 · 4 answers · asked by George Curious 3

In other words, which joke do you think would yield the most “Bad Answer” hits?

2006-11-14 09:31:20 · 11 answers · asked by blooutflash 3

Fred returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, Fred asks his wife for sex. She agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please just one more time before I die?"
She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Fred, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we
could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Fred, I have to get up in the morning. You don't."

2006-11-14 09:24:59 · 10 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Wife waiting at altar

Walked up aisle

Kissed her in the cheek

Smiled

Closed the lid!!

2006-11-14 09:20:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

just wanna see if it aint just my hood that was lookin' fine....

2006-11-14 09:15:53 · 8 answers · asked by ILOVETENNIS 2

I'm not talking bad one's like ten I see or running through my mind all day. I'm thinking funny one's like nice shoes wanna F**K?

2006-11-14 09:12:45 · 7 answers · asked by Wid2000 2