Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."

"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."


After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

2006-11-14 09:12:14 · 15 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

SMART ALECK ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ALECK ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir,
I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ALECK ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ALECK ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as

2006-11-14 09:09:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-14 09:08:49 · 16 answers · asked by Darren S 1

2006-11-14 09:02:36 · 8 answers · asked by Richard R 1

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead *****.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.





A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mummy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mummy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

2006-11-14 08:45:59 · 10 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

to my mate in the pub. He says do you talk to your missus after youv'e made love?. Yeah i told him if iv'e remebered to take my moblie with me.!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-14 08:41:52 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

walking down the street with rucksacks on their backs, one looks over her shoulder, turns to her companion and says "does my bomb look big in this?"

2006-11-14 08:38:34 · 12 answers · asked by button mushroom 3

a good over the hill joke for a friend of mine that isnt too long. I am going to text mes. it to him. I just love to pick on him cause it gets him in a tissy. (I am 26 he is 46.)

2006-11-14 08:36:32 · 7 answers · asked by runzwsizorz 3

A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,

"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied,
"I won her in a raffle!"

2006-11-14 08:29:07 · 17 answers · asked by The Cleveland Indians 3

2006-11-14 08:26:15 · 10 answers · asked by louloutee 3

a man at his wedding day and he has never had sex be4 and doesnt know what 2 do his father tells him to keep his mobile phone open and he'll tell him what to do at last he is with his wife in the bed room the he calls the father who tells him
F: take ur clothes off
son : i did
F: take her clothes off her
son: i did
F: jumb son the son jumbs from the open window and full in the sewers
F: hello son how did u find it
Son: **** dad
F: turn her around u dum ***

2006-11-14 08:20:35 · 10 answers · asked by bada_ping 2

2006-11-14 08:20:32 · 10 answers · asked by HotHottie 1

Finding The Cougher may be hit or miss.
But cough drops aren't the only things made by the Swiss.
So head for your local shopping mall.
I'll be coughing inside and having a ball.

2006-11-14 08:15:54 · 11 answers · asked by jmvillalta2 2

at the end of a drinking session they decided to go in a club, the only trouble was i was the only one without a tie. My mate had a real brainwave, he went back to his car and got a set of jump leads. which i carefully tied around my neck. When i went to get past the doorman he asked what i was wearing, i told him the situation and that i was wearing jump leads. He said you can go in this time but dont go sterting anything.

2006-11-14 08:15:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

its a dirty joke.................






a white horse fell in the mud!

2006-11-14 08:09:41 · 8 answers · asked by Damzel in distrust 2

2006-11-14 08:09:24 · 5 answers · asked by silly me 1

Two blondes were waiting at the Pearly Gates and struck up a conversation.

First blonde says "How did you die?"

Second says "I froze to death".

First blonde says "Must have been awful."

Second blonde says "How did you die?"

First blonde says "I had a heart attack, I knew my husband was being unfaithful so I came home unexpectedly one day and rushed to the bedroom and found my husband alone reading. I rushed to the basement and nobody was hiding there, I rushed to the attic and still no one, and after all that rushing around I had a heart attack and died."

Second blonde says, "If only you'd looked in the freezer we'd both still be alive."

2006-11-14 08:04:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

a punch of guys are smoking ashprany in a tent that has two doors and they run out of matches so they send one of them to get some the guy walked out the tent and entered the tent again from the other door and said hey dudes do u have any matches the answered him no have a seat we sent a dude 2 get us some.

2006-11-14 07:59:22 · 17 answers · asked by bada_ping 2

One day three monks were told by the minister that today was their day off, to do whatever they want, and at the end of the day, god would forgive them of their sins.

The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the city.

At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister greeted them.

The first monk came up, and the minister asked, "What did you do today". The monk replied "I robbed an off-license."

"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The second monk came up and the minister asked the same question. "I vandalised a primary school" he answered.

"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The third monk stepped up and the minister repeated "and what did you do today". "I pissed in the holy water", came the reply.

2006-11-14 07:58:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'd like to see everyone sharing their experiences.

Also can anyone come up with a comeback to this:'blah blah your so poor'

Actually I just thought of one: 'you might be rich now but you will be living on the street with dog **** dripping all over you after: your face transformation/ the exorcim of your face from the retarded Alien monkey *** ghost..................................plus you'll owe another 999 thousand billion pounds.'


But that one is kind of lame, and what if the person is good looking? can someone tell me a better one?

2006-11-14 07:52:47 · 32 answers · asked by jewl 32 2

they both get to smell the goods but they cant taste it.

2006-11-14 07:46:48 · 18 answers · asked by DAZZA 1

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:



Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.


Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.


There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.


Never miss a good chance to shut up.


Always drink upstream from the herd.


If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.


The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.


There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.


Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.


If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.


Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.


After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER . . .
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.


Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.


Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.


Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.


Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.


Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.


Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.


Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been


Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.


Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.


And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

2006-11-14 07:44:30 · 6 answers · asked by writer_girl20 3

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


Gardening Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.


Life is sexually transmitted.


An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.


If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.


Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?


Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?


In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. However, I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

2006-11-14 07:30:32 · 10 answers · asked by writer_girl20 3

job please can you help?. I wasn't very good at school but I did excel in two things, one was biology and the other was metal work. Question is do you know anybody who needs their cat welding.

2006-11-14 07:29:17 · 12 answers · asked by Shredder 6

theres this old lady and she is sick of being lonely so she puts an ad in the personals to meet a husband. she writes, he must not beat me ,or run around on me and he must be good in bed.
a week later her doorbell rings and she answers the door to find a guy with no arms and no legs. can i help u? she asks
"i am here answering the ad he says.
but u have no arms?" she says
so i cant beat you" he says.
"but you have no legs?' she says
"yes, so i wont run around on you" the man answers.
"well the last thing, she says , are you good in bed?'
he looks at her with a big smile aon his face and says"lady, how do you think i rang the doorbell?"

2006-11-14 07:27:12 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my
GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE
SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

2006-11-14 07:27:06 · 28 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

2006-11-14 07:24:43 · 6 answers · asked by bob 2

2006-11-14 07:21:42 · 16 answers · asked by Naomi 4

"Beware the falling Donkey, falling from the sky,
You can choose the way you live my friend,
But not the way you die"!!

2006-11-14 07:18:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.

The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.

The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.

The pope told the brunette to take the last one.

The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"







A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender:"What is a B and C?".

Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"

2006-11-14 07:08:01 · 21 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3