Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

You have two coins that equal .15 cents. One of them is not a nicklel.

2006-11-14 00:23:32 · 10 answers · asked by G-Man 3

a man walking down a street and slipping on a bananna skin?
a man walkin down a street and jumps over a bananna skin
or

a man walkin down a street, avoid a bananna skin. just to fall into a big hole!!!

2006-11-14 00:20:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her...

2006-11-14 00:06:59 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

if Febuary has 28 days, March has 31 days,and April has 30.
How many days have 28!

2006-11-13 23:57:12 · 14 answers · asked by Brittany W 2

2006-11-13 23:50:28 · 12 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

So there is this nun on the side of the road in New York city she trys to get a cab she gets one the cab driver starts whining she say whats wrong the cab driver says ive always wanted to kiss a nun she says ok but you have to be cathlic and not married he says im both so they pull in the next dark ally and they kiss they get back in the cab and the driver starts crying she says whats wrong he siad I lied im jewish and married the nun says thats ok my name is kevin and im going to a coustem party!

2006-11-13 23:40:57 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm in bed with the flu. (groan) can someone tell me some really funny jokes or stories to cheer me up?

2006-11-13 23:38:43 · 12 answers · asked by nobody 3

Things I Hate About Everyone
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I
>know where my watch is pal, where the he ll is yours? Do I point at my
>crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
>
>
>
> 2. People who are willing to get off their a%$ to search the entire
>room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change
>the channel manually.
>
>
>
>
>
> 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
>too". D#$5 right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
>
>
>
>
>
> 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course
>it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
>do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their a$%^
>
>
>
>
>
> 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
>Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the d@#$ floor.
>
>
>
>
>
>

2006-11-13 23:36:24 · 15 answers · asked by junebaby 2

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM*
>
> 1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16
> work boots.
>
> 2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer
cans, a
> copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
>
> 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
>
> 4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
> Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
> I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
> Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this
morning
> and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it
but it
> was
> hard to tell from all the blood.
> PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
>

2006-11-13 23:31:15 · 12 answers · asked by junebaby 2

2006-11-13 23:27:01 · 2 answers · asked by GOOCH 4

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

I found this extremely hilarious.

2006-11-13 23:26:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-13 23:13:01 · 27 answers · asked by xvickiexx 2

2006-11-13 23:03:21 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The politician lost the election and was forced to look for a job. To the personnel manager he admitted that he had both good and bad traits. "What are your good traits?" asked the interviewer.
"Well, said the politician, "I can do a job better than any person in the world. A dozen of the countries' largest companies are bidding for my services. I could unquestionably double your business within a month or two if you hire me."
Said the personnel manager, "That's very impressive. What about your bad traits?"
Said the politician, "There's only one. I have been known to exaggerate occasionally.."

2006-11-13 22:56:26 · 38 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-11-13 22:39:32 · 18 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

Micheal: Sir, I got thrince boys.. What names should I give them ? Ajit ( The Don ): 1st boy's name - Peter, 2nd name - Repeter and 3rd one - Sheng Lee ! Micheal: Boss, why Sheng Lee ? Ajit: Idiot. Every 3rd child in dis world is chinese. *** Husband: 2day is sunday & I need to enjoy so I bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: why 3 ? Hubby: 4 u and ur parents. *** True luv is like a pillow. U can hug it when ur in trouble. U can cry on it when ur in pain. U can embrace it when ur happy. So, Wanna true luv ? spend 50 bucks and buy a pillow. *** Do u know wat do i do when i see someone extremely beautiful, Gorgeous, attractive, cute, fabulous ?.. I stare, I smile and when I get tired... I put down the mirror. *** To live a life one needs brain, Looks, IQ, Knowledge and many more mental qualities. Hats off 2 u,coz u manage to live without any of them.*** Santa (Reading froma book of facts): Do u know that everytime I breathe,a man dies? Banta:Why don't u use mouthwash? WHY DONT U SEND UR SMSes ?

2006-11-13 22:35:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

on yahoo answers. Taking in consideration all catagories.

2006-11-13 22:25:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

CLEAN JOKES :-
1. How do u keep ur husband away from reading ur emails ? A: Rename the mail folder " Instruction Manuals". 2. Wat is an adult Joke ? A: A joke that is more than 18 years old. 3. He: Do u luv me just bcos my father left me fortune ? She: No, Stupid, I'd luv u no matter who left you the money. 4. 2 days of power cut made life miserable in Delhi. Worst affected was families of Santa & Banta stuck for 48 hours on Delhi Metro Station ESCALATORS ! 5. Man b4 marriage - SUPERMAN. After marriage - GENTLEMAN. After 10 yrs - WATCHMAN. After 20 yrs - DOBERMAN. 6. Reality of life. You luv someone & u marry someone else. Person u marry becomes ur Husband or Wife and the one u loved becomes ur password of email ID. 7. If u call ur mother mum. wat will u call her younger and elder sisters ? A: MiniMUM & MaxiMUM. 8. Teacher: wat is 5 + 4 ? Mr. Bean: 9. Teacher: wat is 4 + 5 ? Mr. Bean: r u fooling me ? u just twisted figures. Its 6 !... SO FRIENDS, WHY NOT SHARE UR SMSes TOO ?

2006-11-13 22:07:09 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What sort of business was C.S. Lewis in?

A: Narnia business!

2006-11-13 21:54:18 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The government had a scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Parliament said,
"Someone may steal at night."
So they created a night watchman position and appointed a person. Then Parliament said, "How does watchman do his job without instructions?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people.
Then Parliament said, "How will we know the watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control dept. and hired two advisors.
Then Parliament said, "How are these people will b paid?" So they appointed a time keeper, and a payroll officer.
Then Parliament said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Admn. Officer, a assistant and a Secretary.
Then Parliament said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

SO THEY LAID OFF THE NIGHT WATCHMAN

2006-11-13 21:51:13 · 29 answers · asked by Pd 6

Is the answer make a.............. WIDOW
Answer me this !!!!?
Whats the last thing a man wants to make=he would have to die
And really does not want to make=have to be dead
The man who makes it, can't change it=dead
Another man can change it =marry her
Not every man can make it =not married

2006-11-13 21:31:36 · 5 answers · asked by nickyno 1

Dave's joke:

"George W. Bush is going to Vietnam tomorrow; his daddy couldn't get him out of it this time!"

2006-11-13 21:08:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

2006-11-13 21:04:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her **** went!

2006-11-13 20:59:41 · 28 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

2006-11-13 20:57:55 · 15 answers · asked by bchboy_998 1

The European Communications committee has announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the German government remarked that English spelling had some room for improvement and has agreed to work together with a five-year plan for what will be known as ‘EuroEnglish’
Year 1.
"s" will be used instead the soft "c"
Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.
Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k".
Not only will this klear up konfusion but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" is replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....

2006-11-13 20:41:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

...the best condoms? Someone told me not to buy Russian Condoms. Chernobyl Fallout.

2006-11-13 20:26:43 · 13 answers · asked by Warlock Fiend 4

2006-11-13 20:25:39 · 13 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

2006-11-13 20:21:52 · 24 answers · asked by DogmaDeleted 5

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He
reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He
descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend
I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and
between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told
me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make
of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've
delayed my trip."

The woman below responded,

"You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

2006-11-13 20:21:52 · 9 answers · asked by ettezzil 5