I'm in bed with the flu. (groan) can someone tell me some really funny jokes or stories to cheer me up?
2006-11-13 23:38:43 · 12 answers · asked by nobody 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts.......
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
2006-11-13 23:42:31 · answer #1 · answered by m 3 · 2⤊ 4⤋
Why ask why 01
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
2006-11-14 07:43:40 · answer #2 · answered by taknev 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
One chicken, one road, so many reasons
Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good of man.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that it would be a martyr.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.
L.A.P.D.: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
GEORGE W. BUSH: The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run!
I hope i haven't bord you to death
get well soonXX
2006-11-14 08:35:28 · answer #3 · answered by ngbreeca 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
How to learn Chinese in 5 min.
(must read out loud)
1.That`s not right: Sum Ting Wong
2.Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
3.See me ASAP: Kum Hia
4.Stupid man: Dum ***
5.Small horse: Tai Ni Po Ni
6.I bumped the coffee table: Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
7.I think you need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat
8.It is very dark in here: Wai So Dim
9.I thought you were on a diet: Wai Yu Man Ching
10.This is a tow away zone: No Pah King
11.Our meeting is scheduled for the next week:
Wai Yu Kum Nao
12.Staying out of sight: Lei Ying Lo
13.He is cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka
14.Your body odour is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu
2006-11-14 07:56:58 · answer #4 · answered by parapligiko A.E. 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Get well soon........here is one for you to laugh...
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.
"The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two words?"
2006-11-14 07:46:03 · answer #5 · answered by Electric 7 · 3⤊ 3⤋
so a man comes to a woman & says
which is better secret or speed stick
2006-11-14 08:25:06 · answer #6 · answered by Lashon L 1 · 0⤊ 3⤋
what you need is a lot of so funny jokes that'll make you laugh so hard your breasts fall off
2006-11-14 08:21:15 · answer #7 · answered by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5 · 0⤊ 3⤋
You're lucky you only have the flu. I have an aunt with sight in only one eye and she has only one leg. Her name is Eileen ; )
Thank you very much!!
Hope you feel better.
2006-11-14 07:44:35 · answer #8 · answered by DJ 5 · 1⤊ 5⤋
I don't have a girlfriend......but I do know a girl that would be very upset if she heard me say that.
2006-11-14 07:49:37 · answer #9 · answered by Wiley 5 · 0⤊ 3⤋
a man walks into a bar. ouch.
2006-11-14 07:42:34 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 5⤋