Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

2006-10-22 10:22:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

how many l's are there in the question?

2006-10-22 10:20:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-22 10:19:46 · 10 answers · asked by sloppy chops 3

Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a b*l*o*w job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

2006-10-22 10:17:08 · 7 answers · asked by Seeker 4

A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oaklahoma when her car broke down. An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride into town was uneventual except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in Bartlesville, he left her off at the local service station, yelled one final time, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to make that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held on to his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady", the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback." :)

2006-10-22 10:16:21 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-22 10:16:07 · 9 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

2006-10-22 10:13:30 · 19 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

Q. What do Muslim men do during foreplay?
A. Tickle the goat under the chin

2006-10-22 10:11:34 · 18 answers · asked by Happyworms 4

Three ladies were on a flight from the when suddenly the Captain announced "Please prepare for a crash landing!"
The first lady put on her jewellery. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions.
The first lady said, "Well when are come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and they will rescue me first".
The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned.
"Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great t**s and will take ME first."
The third lady, who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her jeans and panties.
"Why are you doing THAT?" the other ladies questioned.
"Well, they always search for the black box first." :)

2006-10-22 10:09:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

People are hired to get rid of me. I'm often hiding under your bed. In time I'll always return you see. Bite me and you're surely dead. What am I?

2006-10-22 10:09:10 · 8 answers · asked by hosebroom1212 3

a scottish,english and an irish man are found dead,so dave the detective is at hand checking out what happened,he goes into the morgue and walks up to the english guy,morgue attendant pulls the sheet off and reveals the man stiff and holding his chest..the detective asks what happened and the morgue attendant replies" he had a heart atack"poor soul the detective responds,he walks over to the scottish man and pulls back the sheet,hes laying there with his hands stiffly on his head"what happened here"asks the detective" "he died of an annurism" replied the morgue attendant."what a shame "says the detective.He walks over to the irish guy,the sheet is pulled back and hes laying there with a great big smile on his face..."what the bleedin hell happened to him!" asked the detective..."he got struck by lightning,but thought he was getting his photo taken!"

2006-10-22 10:07:36 · 14 answers · asked by ♥cozicat♥ 5

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''

The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''

''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''

''Yeah, he's my dad.''

''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''

The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''

The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''

''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''

The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

2006-10-22 10:07:05 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous, except for the youngest one, Craig, who was nothing short of gruesome.
While on his deathbed, the husband asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing. And please be honest. Am I Craig's father?"

"Yes, honey," replied his wife. "I promise you, Craig is 100 percent yours."

"I can die a happy man. Godbye my love."

And the man peacefully passed away.

Marie gave a big sigh and said quietly, "Thank heaven almighty he didn't ask me about the other three."

2006-10-22 10:03:27 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What goes in dry and comes out wet,
The more you dip the harder it gets,
men and women both enjoy it on bed?

2006-10-22 10:00:59 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Which word is the odd one out:
First Second Third Forth Fifth Sixth Seventh Eighth

2006-10-22 09:53:42 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

On my way to the fair, I met 7 jugglers and a bear, every juggler had 6 cats, every cat had 5 rats, every rat had 4 houses, every house had 3 mouses, every mouse had 2 louses, every louse had a spouse. How many in all are going to the fair?

2006-10-22 09:47:52 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

"That veil really brings out your eyes"

"is your dad a terrorist? coz u da bomb!"

"do you believe in the hereafter? oh, you do. then you know what im hereafter!"

2006-10-22 09:47:16 · 11 answers · asked by Happyworms 4

there are 5 people on a plane that is about to crash but only 4 parachutes. the people are: a doctor, a scientist, george w bush, pope john paul the second (he was still alive) and a kid. the doctor grabs and airbag and say he has to live because he is about to find the cure for cancer and jumps. the scientist says she is about to find out how to cure world hunger so she has to live and jumps. the president says he is the smartest person in the world so he has to live and jumps. the pope says he is olld and has lived his life so the kid should take the last parchute. the kid says "its ok, theres 2 left" the pope is confused seeing how 3 people already jumped. the kid sees the look on his face and says " the smartest person in the world jumped out with my backpack."

2006-10-22 09:47:13 · 10 answers · asked by monkeychip1001 1

a sick man in hospital is having a bed bath,he has an oxygen mask on and is struggling with his breathing,the nurse is quietly washing him down when he suddenly asks.."are my testacles black" the nurse replies"eh,no sir,i can assure you,they're fine" she carries on,he asks again"nurse,are my testacles black" she now feels quite embarrassed and replies sheepishly,"no sir,they're absolutely fine" she carries on washing when he asks again quite sternly"are my testacles black!" she says"oh very well,i'll check" so she lifts his balls and has a good look.and replies"see,they're fine" the sick man takes off his oxygen mask and gasping for air replies.."that..was wonderful nurse but listen..closely...ARE...MY..TEST...RESULTS..BACK"

2006-10-22 09:47:06 · 17 answers · asked by ♥cozicat♥ 5

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

2006-10-22 09:45:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

They are both contributors to the "Ignited ***** College Fund" whose motto is a "mind is a terrible thing to baste."

DISCLAIMER:
I heard this from a stand-up comedian, if you don't like it send them your hate mail. I thought it was funny, and for those of you too young to understand this Richard Pryor caught himself on fire free basing, he talks about it in one of his tapes. Michael Jackson caught himself on fire shooting a Pepsi commercial. And just so you know I love both performers, although Michael needs some help and it is very sad about Richard Pryor, so back off!! Just having a spot of fun, means nothing. Peace.

2006-10-22 09:41:38 · 11 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

How come it's so hard to circumcise a Muslim? Because there's no end to those pricks!

2006-10-22 09:37:23 · 21 answers · asked by Happyworms 4

George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House dinner. One of the important guests walks over to them and asks what they are talking about.
"We are making up the plans for WW III", says Bush.
"Wow", says the guest. "And what are the plans?"
"We are gonna kill 140 million Muslims and one dentist", answers Bush.
"The guest looks to be a bit confused. One...dentist?" He says. "Why will you kill one dentist?"
"Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says, "What did I tell you? Nobody is gonna ask about the Muslims."

2006-10-22 09:36:21 · 14 answers · asked by Happyworms 4

My friend is the best female Muslim ventriloquist I know, but if she is forced to take off her veil I could see her career in ruins

2006-10-22 09:36:17 · 9 answers · asked by christopher w 1

It's the Wild West.
The saloon bar is full when a cowboy bursts in through the swing doors.
"Quick" he says "Get out, big Jims coming to town"
Before anybody had time to move the floor started to shake and the walls vibrate. The room went dark as a large man entered the saloon. He must have been about 7ft tall and weighing 30 stones.He went over to the bar and sad to the bartender "Give me a whisky" The bartender gave him a whisky. He downed it in one go, slammed it on the bar and said "Give me another whisky"The bartender,shaking, gave him another one.He knocked it back in one go. The bartender nervously said "Would you like another?"
He replied "No I've got to go Big Jims coming to town.

2006-10-22 09:32:28 · 8 answers · asked by christopher w 1

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a plastic bag have in common?
A: They are both dangerous to children!

Q: What does Michael Jackson have stamped on his back?
A: Made in China!

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
A: "Don't let your son go down on me."

Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy Blew.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
A: He ate a nine year old wiener!

Any more? Leave them here....

2006-10-22 09:29:18 · 28 answers · asked by Confused?! 4

BEST GUESS WINS

2006-10-22 09:23:05 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cowboy leaves town by horse on friday.
travels for three days
and arrives in a different town on friday, how does it do it?

please help me

2006-10-22 09:16:42 · 12 answers · asked by laxyboy 2

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.

He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.

He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.

He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his d#ck in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm f*cking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

2006-10-22 09:16:01 · 13 answers · asked by arfa54321 5

After the kleenex are gone? After the paper towels are gone? After you've gone to the car and gotten fast food napkins? At what point is it a crisis and you now have to break down and go to the damn store on Sunday afternoon when every moron and their nine kids are shopping for Halloween costumes. I detest shopping. But I like reading, so I better get to the store. Save my seat, will ya?


For entertainment purposes only, I'm not out of toilet paper, in fact I have several boxes of kleenex and 2 rolls of paper towels. The way I see if I'm set until after the Christmas rush. Drat, I hate shopping, or did I mention that?

2006-10-22 09:07:38 · 15 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6