Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A man escapes from prison, where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there , the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!" He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain , do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. He is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. "Be strong ,honey I love you!"

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. "Be strong honey... I love you too!!!!"

2006-10-22 11:55:16 · 38 answers · asked by kerri 3

2006-10-22 11:51:31 · 12 answers · asked by STORMY K 3

George W Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House dinner. One of the important guests walks over to them and asks what they are talking about.
"We are making up plans for WW3", says Bush.
"Wow", says the guest, "And what the the plans?"
"We are gonna kill 140 million Muslims and 1 Dentist" answers Bush.
The guest looks to be a bit confused..."One Dentist?" he says, "Why will you kill one Dentist?"
"Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says, "What did I tell you? Nobody is gonna ask about the Muslims?"

2006-10-22 11:50:25 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.

The celery was like "Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!"

Then the carrot was like "You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!"

Then the dick said "Ya, well I got it the worst.
They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!"

2006-10-22 11:50:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can someone give me a good joke, please? I know there's a lot of other questions out like this but I just need some short jokes.

2006-10-22 11:48:27 · 6 answers · asked by Emo Chick 1

2006-10-22 11:45:52 · 11 answers · asked by STORMY K 3

2006-10-22 11:43:20 · 12 answers · asked by STORMY K 3

2006-10-22 11:42:28 · 10 answers · asked by STORMY K 3

So there were these 4 Muslin brothers riding a camel. One was on the neck, the other on the front part of the hump, the next behing the hump and the last hanging off the rump of the camel.
The brother near the head of the camel noticed that the animal was crying and he said to the brother behind him, "brother the camel is crying".....The brother in front of the hump told the brother behind the hump, "the camel is crying".....The brother behind the hump told the brother hanging off the rump, "the camel is crying" and HE said, "Well, I don't give a damn because if I pull my p***s out I will fall off!".

2006-10-22 11:42:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is my math teachers favorite dessert?!?!

2006-10-22 11:41:59 · 22 answers · asked by David 5

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

2006-10-22 11:41:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

01. -You've got a hole in your head.
02. -Your master strangles you all the time.
03. -Your head is smaller than the rest of you
04. -You shrink in cold water.
05. -You never get a haircut.
06. -You always hang around with 2 nuts.
07. -Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
08. -Your best friend is a ****.
09. -Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
10. -Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

2006-10-22 11:40:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One for the lesser mortals.
The further weighing of intellect continues....

"Grandmother Smith, on April 6th 2006, retains Tom Bakers most famous TV role at a distance"

What well known phrase can explain the above and why?

As ever the the two point parasite brigade can expect an eternity of torment!

Let the infantile spewing begin...


(Alda. I was there when the foundations of Babel were constructed and all language as one, but your insight is uncommon in mortals! You will not get this)

2006-10-22 11:36:09 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-22 11:22:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-22 11:18:09 · 16 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

2006-10-22 11:15:26 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-22 11:14:01 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-22 11:13:09 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-22 11:10:18 · 26 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

2006-10-22 10:55:45 · 15 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

A man walks up to a woman and says "would you have s*x with me for a million dollars? She says, "sure I'll do it", "the man says how about 20 bucks?" the woman says "what do you think I am?". The man says "we've already established that, now we're just haggling over the price!"

2006-10-22 10:53:35 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

My search for enlightened souls to torture continues.

"The beasts love is contained by the organ responsible for dichromatism belonging to the anthophila restraint"

What well known phrase can explain the above and why?

Insipid mortal ramblings expected but the two-point parasites can expect to incur my wrath for all eternity.

2006-10-22 10:48:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

how was irish danceing started?
to much wiskey and not enugh bathrooms :-)

jk, my best friends are irish and dance, i just like the joke. :-D

2006-10-22 10:45:49 · 7 answers · asked by monkeychip1001 1

What do you call a sheep tied to a lampost in any city of the world/

Happy now Leghorn, sorry Foghorn?

2006-10-22 10:33:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

incase you are wondering, yes i do have a problem with muslims, they banter on about not being freely "able" to express their love for their religion in OUR country, and us british are not allowed to wear christian or catholic crosses round our necks in work places in OUR country!!



Erm......... whose country is it sorry??

Adopt our religion if you come here, they say they find it hard getting accepted into our culture but they segregate themselves!! Putting those things over your head?? Now we're hardly going to stop and talk to one of those are we??

if they dont like it, they know where they can go!!

Its just my opinion.....

2006-10-22 10:31:16 · 37 answers · asked by Happyworms 4

so if I ask lots of questions ie costs me 5 points per question and my points score goes below 1000 do I go back to level two again??

2006-10-22 10:28:04 · 22 answers · asked by sloppy chops 3

2006-10-22 10:24:34 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said, "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure, watch this. Hi horse, how does your master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
V: I'll bet I can make your dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk"
V: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat
you good?"
Dog: "Oh! he treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
V: I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep lie! Sheep Lie!!"

2006-10-22 10:23:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-22 10:23:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-22 10:22:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous