Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Muslims on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

2006-10-22 09:06:05 · 20 answers · asked by Happyworms 4

Can anyone tell me the names of three fish that start and end with the letter 'K'

The answer will appear at 9:15!!

2006-10-22 09:05:29 · 9 answers · asked by jayktee96 7

A blonde was walking in the woods when she came across a stream where she saw another blonde standing on the other side. The first blonde asked the second blonde, "How do you get to the other side of the stream?" The second blonde looked up the stream and down the stream and answered, "you are on the other side of the stream."

2006-10-22 09:04:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter.
The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"
The man replies, "No, I left it at home."
The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."
A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter.
The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"
And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."
Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."
A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag.
He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.
The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."
The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

2006-10-22 08:57:49 · 21 answers · asked by * Sam * 1

Not bad, unoriginal ones

2006-10-22 08:57:43 · 16 answers · asked by ijis d 2

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your butt

2006-10-22 08:57:28 · 35 answers · asked by arfa54321 5

Why will Micheal Jackson never be #1 in a race?

Answer below:

*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
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*
Well he always likes to come in alittle behind......

Hey before you groan...

The good news is he's Not Guilty, The bad news is he is going to Disney Land.

Enjoy,

Justin

2006-10-22 08:57:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it ___________________."

2006-10-22 08:55:13 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the
house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it,
looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into
her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to
the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut
again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she
came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and
then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid
computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

2006-10-22 08:51:52 · 20 answers · asked by * Sam * 1

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up
with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does
in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?


"That's easy," the blonde replied.
"He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

2006-10-22 08:50:18 · 15 answers · asked by * Sam * 1

Did you hear about the blonde that...

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2.Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C"

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds"

14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

15. What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? A blonde at a flashing red
light.

16. Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down"

2006-10-22 08:48:14 · 21 answers · asked by * Sam * 1

2006-10-22 08:45:20 · 29 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

(Q): A deadly snake and a Muslim are both approaching you rapidly, you are a dead shot, you have a gun, but only one bullet, which one do you shoot ?


(A): The MUSLIM of course !! The snake only bites when provoke. We know the Muslim’s intention.

2006-10-22 08:42:23 · 18 answers · asked by Happyworms 4

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff.

Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god, we need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

2006-10-22 08:41:03 · 15 answers · asked by Crystal 2

2006-10-22 08:34:19 · 35 answers · asked by falawoods 2

how does a pig go to hospital

in a HAMBULANCE!

2006-10-22 08:15:29 · 29 answers · asked by jones11chef 3

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

2006-10-22 08:13:24 · 7 answers · asked by Mr.Why? 2

asked the teachers of her students.

Mary blushed and stammered and then stated the obvious, "Boy's pee pees," she said, still giggling a bit.

The teacher said "No that is not correct." and called on Johnny to answer.


Johnny said, "It's the uterus."

To which the teacher replied "That is correct."

She turned back to Mary and said, "Mary, there are three things obvious here,
One-You did NOT study your biology notes,
Two-You have a very dirty mind and
Three- When you grow up and become a young lady you are going to be sadly disappointed."

Now, according to Yahoo answers format I have to ask a question, so here's the question, if you are a female, have you been disappointed and to the males, would you or would you not BE a disappointment.

For entertainment purposes only. Meant to be humorous so please, try to stay with the format.

2006-10-22 08:12:11 · 13 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

There was a family who lived in a circular house. There was a mom, dad, 2 kids, a butler and a grandma. They all woke up 1 morning and the father was dead. The mom said she was shopping. The kids said they were at their friends' houses. The butler said he was preparing dinner. The grandma said she was knitting in the corner.
Who killed the father????

2006-10-22 07:59:38 · 25 answers · asked by Tallie 1

1. A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.



2. A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

2006-10-22 07:06:02 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

gives his misses the credit card and tells her to get herself a little black number.

2006-10-22 06:52:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John
doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly.

"Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !

2006-10-22 06:48:33 · 18 answers · asked by Axel 2

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb

NONE they never get to keep the house

2006-10-22 06:41:55 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

How many times have you had it with your wife,
In an english country garden.
Ive had it twice,and found it very nice ,In a english country garden.
Roses and hollycocks,sticking up your bolli---ks,
Hairy spiders climbing up your ****,
with a hand on her t-t,and a finger up her cl-t
In a english country garden.

2006-10-22 06:33:01 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-22 06:17:04 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Johnny's mother had four children. The first was April, the second was May, and the third was June. What was the name of her fourth child?

2006-10-22 05:57:54 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

whos there? lettice
lettice who?
lettice come in. is that fuuny or what lemmie know

2006-10-22 05:56:55 · 11 answers · asked by princesskutie18mb 1

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the coffee table.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?"

She followed by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money." She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she said, "And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn't afford?" Once more she answered saying, "Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow -job I promised you? Here it comes . . . "

2006-10-22 05:50:29 · 22 answers · asked by ? 2

What is HARD,when it go in and SOFT when it comes out.

2006-10-22 05:36:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I pulled a muscle

2006-10-22 05:32:27 · 22 answers · asked by jabelite 3