Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

An elderly couple is pulled over for speeding. The cop comes over to the drivers window and says to the old man. "Sir do you realize you were doing 75 in a 55?"
"Oh no sir," says the old man. "I never drive over the speed limit."
Just then his wife says, "Ha! Officer, my husband is a speed demon. I'm surprised you didn't clock him at 90"
Her husband glares at her.
As the officer writes the ticket, he says, "Sir, I've noticed you're not wearing a seatbelt. I'm going to have to write you up for that too."
The old man says, "But sir, I had it on, but as you were walking toward the car I took it off to get my wallet out."
"Officer," says his wife "he's a liar. He NEVER wears it, and I'm always telling him that he should."
The old man can't take it anymore. He turns to his wife and shouts, "My God, woman! What the hell's wrong with you?"
The cop leans in and asks the woman, "Ma'am, is your husband always this abusive?"
"Oh, no, sir," she says. "Only when he's been drinking."

2006-10-21 20:02:08 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

READ BEFORE CLICKING ON THE LINK

There are two identical pictures that will appear on the screen.

Over 8000 people were tested to see if they could find the 3 differences and only 19 got it.

See how observant you are and if you find all 3 differences, you are one of the most elite people in the world!

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

(use caution when looking at the pictures, they might offend some)

2006-10-21 20:00:48 · 28 answers · asked by Peace 4

whats greater than god, more evil than the devil, and if you eat it you will die?

my grandpa gave me this riddle last week... i figured it out.. can you?

2006-10-21 19:59:11 · 11 answers · asked by MnKLmT 4

Can you solve this for 10pts

2006-10-21 19:54:10 · 18 answers · asked by sweetlee725 2

There was a American,Aussie and a SriLankan,they were in a life boat when it starting sinking.When it sunk they were treading water.Then all of a sudden a shark came along and ate the American and the Aussie.The shark then swam off,praying like hell the SriLankan was saying thankyou lord,thankyou lord,why didnt the shark eat me,the shark turned around and swam back to the Srilankan and said "you know why buddy I didnt eat you,the SriLankan said why the shark said because last year I ate one of your kind and my bum is still burning.

2006-10-21 19:42:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

2006-10-21 19:39:59 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

2006-10-21 19:39:11 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.

She reached there in a few hours.


After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in
the evening and not the next day either.

When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?


She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"

2006-10-21 19:36:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time we sa this following riddle:

Which letter of the alphabet is most likely to sting you?
A: The B's.

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

Tell me the reason why you shouldn't let young children talk to chickens.

Good luck! :)

2006-10-21 19:27:34 · 6 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

I think it goes something like:

Do you promise to be my text buddy,
To _______ and _______ until low bat and ______ do us part?

2006-10-21 19:18:17 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

so, theres this old lady who has cancer and lives alone with her cat in her big mansion, so she is sent to the hospital because its her final day, and she has one visitor, it's her missing daughter she lost about 20 years ago. So the daughter said"mom, how are you?" and the mom says " im dying, honey, can you do one last thing for me?" and the daughter says" yea, what?" so she says "take care of my ol' puss y for me."

2006-10-21 19:03:56 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

One of the ladies of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, he could think of no good reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called the boy's mother and said, "Ruth, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Ruth replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary."

2006-10-21 18:59:05 · 15 answers · asked by funkbomber 2

2006-10-21 18:52:22 · 5 answers · asked by bennyaleena 1

3 friends get stranded on a desert island. the first man is the smartest of them all, the second is the average minded one, and the last is a retard.

while they were on the island thinking of a way to get off, a genie comes out of nowhere and says that he will grant each one of them 1 wish each.

the smartest one says, genie, i wish that i were home making love to my wife. the genie says ok you wish has been granted and "poof", hes gone.

the average minded man wishes that he were back at home spending time with his family. the genie says ok, your wish has been granted and "poof", hes gone.

now the last guy, the retard, is the only one left. he says to the genie "im all alone, im the only one here" the genie says what is your wish. the retard says, i wish my 2 buddies were here with me.

the genie says ok, your wish has been granted and "poof" both guys reappear and they are all stuck on the island again.

2006-10-21 18:40:16 · 13 answers · asked by thatdude 2

Why did the chicken cross the road?

[longest answer wins best answer!]
[dont take an answer from that one website with a million fake answers from different celebs]

2006-10-21 18:33:17 · 11 answers · asked by Jacob R. 2

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.......................
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did work, medicine man free, Indian man all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and shook his head, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

2006-10-21 18:19:03 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

You are driving a black car and your lights are off and theres a guy wearing all black; black shades, black cap, suit, shoes, etc. and you manage to stop and not run over the guy. How?

(its easy)

2006-10-21 18:11:26 · 17 answers · asked by Questioner. 1

A BLOODY MARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-10-21 18:08:00 · 20 answers · asked by jeff g 4

if u were inside a car during a car accident,the door is locked and beside u was a hammer,what would u do?

2006-10-21 17:56:31 · 14 answers · asked by ??? 2

it's very simple

2006-10-21 17:52:45 · 12 answers · asked by ??? 2

2006-10-21 17:46:21 · 20 answers · asked by ??? 2

3 guys walk into a hotel. they each pay 10 dollars (30 dollars total) to pay for the room they will share. later, the receptionist realizes that the room costs 25 dollars, and they overpaid. to compensate, she sends the bellhop up to the room with 5 dollars to reimburse the men. on the way up, the bellhop desides that he doesn't want to split 5 dollars between 3 guys. he puts 2 dollars in his pocket and gives each guy 1 dollar back.
so each guy paid 10 originally, and got 1 dollar back. after that transaction, each guy paid 9 dollars for the room. 9x3 is 27 and the bellboy pocketted 2 dollars. 27 + 2 is 29. the guys originally paid 30 dollars. where did the other dollar go??

2006-10-21 17:23:01 · 20 answers · asked by Keith W 1

Air Head on a Beer

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.

2006-10-21 17:19:59 · 26 answers · asked by ? 5

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.


One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!

(those who have PROBLEMS with me posting jokes, then better start SOLVING it!!!)

2006-10-21 17:17:54 · 41 answers · asked by anitha 4

I know of only one answer... I got it from a movie? I have asked this to ton's of people and only one person has ever gotten it right...

2006-10-21 17:10:14 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am used to bat with, yet I never get a hit.
I am near a ball, yet it is never thrown.
What am I?

2006-10-21 17:06:02 · 11 answers · asked by williamso06 2

men like to barbecue. men will cook if danger is involved

men who have pierced eras are better prepared for marriage. they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry

marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. in a world where there are more women then men, it pays to recycle

men are very confident people. usually they are so confident that when they watch sports on television, they think that if they concentrate they can help their team

men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. not being the first is upsetting to their psyches

the way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else

a good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. these men usually have jobs and bathe

men love watches with multiple functions, preferably ones that have a combination address book, telescope and piano

men are sensitive in strange ways. if a man built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally

men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax

men have an easier time buying bathing suits

women have two types of bathing suit available to them: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy

women take clothing much ore seriously than men. Men never walk into a party and say ‘oh, my god, I’m so embarrassed…get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.’

Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious

The cocoon to butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports

When four or more women get together, they talk about men

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem

‘get out’ and ‘I never want to see you again’ might sound like a challenge. However, one of the most effective calls is, ‘I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.’

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes

Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something form his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. with female menopause you gain weight and get hot flushes. With male menopause you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays I sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony

2006-10-21 16:58:16 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-21 16:53:22 · 21 answers · asked by learningnewthings 4

2006-10-21 16:52:00 · 15 answers · asked by kman1830 5

2006-10-21 16:45:40 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous