Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

2006-10-21 16:41:46 · 25 answers · asked by bennyaleena 1

I asked my girlfriend has she ever had sex with a woman. She said no. I said you should try it it's fun.

She did and now she's gone.

2006-10-21 16:36:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your driving in a bad thunderstorm when you see at a bus stop an old lady that is barly alive and almost near death.Your best freind that once saved your life and next to him is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and where meant to be with.Your car only holds two people a driver and passenger.WHAT DO YOU DO

2006-10-21 16:11:04 · 17 answers · asked by mr.fahrenheit 2

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.

And, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand. The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.

But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

2006-10-21 15:59:36 · 6 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

The number of lilies in a pond double every day. So, on the first day of the month there is one lily. On the second day, two lilies. Then the next day four lilies, then eight, sixteen, thirty two, etc. If the pond is full on the 30th day of the month, what day is it half full?

2006-10-21 15:59:12 · 20 answers · asked by Mr T 4

How quickly can you find out what is unusual about this paragraph? It looks so ordinary that you would think that nothing was wrong with it at all, and in fact, nothing is. But it is unusual. Why? If you study it and think about it you may find out, but I am not going to assist you in any way. You must do it without coaching. No doubt if you work at it for long, it will dawn on you. I don't know. Now, go to work and try your luck.

2006-10-21 15:54:56 · 27 answers · asked by GothicRevolution 2

Anything to make me smile!

2006-10-21 15:48:43 · 13 answers · asked by ηєvєrmorє 6

old world charm=room with a bath

tropical=rainy

majestic setting=a long way from town, at end of dirt road

options galore=nothing is included in the itinerary

secluded hideaway=directions to locate unclear

some budget rooms=sorry, already occupied

explore on your own=at your own expense

knowledgeable trip hosts=they’ve flown in a plane before

no extra fees=no extras

nominal fee=outrageous charge

standard=sub standard

deluxe=barely standard

superior accommodations=one complimentary chocolate and free shower cap

all the amenities=two chocolates and two shower caps

gentle breezes=in hurricane ally

light and airy=no air conditioning

picturesque=theme park nearby

24 hour bar=ice cubes at additional cost(when available)

2006-10-21 15:45:33 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

make me laugh,
and I'll give ten points to you.

2006-10-21 15:37:50 · 14 answers · asked by soda pop 2

cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of you car

your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e mail address

you have a 'to do list' that include entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that ever get crossed off

pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains

you consider overnight mail to be painfully slow

you idea of being organized is multiple colored post it notes

your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don’t even exist anymore

you lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profitability

you get all exited when its Saturday so you can go to work in casual clothes

you refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables

you find you really need power point to explain what you do for a living

you normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week

you think that ‘progressing an action plan’ and ‘calendarizing a project’ are acceptable English phrases

you know the people at the airport hotels better than your net door neighbors

you ask your friends to ‘think out of the box’ when making Friday night plans

you think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix

you think a ‘half day’ means leaving at five o’clock

2006-10-21 15:11:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man and his son were driving in a car and got in a car crash. the father died instantly and the son was rushed to the hospital. he needed a emergency operation. but the doctor said "i can't do the surgery because this is my son".

how is this possible?

2006-10-21 15:08:15 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

you have 20 socks in a drawer, 10 red and 10 blue. if you were take them out in the dark, how my socks would you have to take out to be sure you have matching pair.

2006-10-21 15:07:58 · 21 answers · asked by MR-$2K 2

A man is found dead laying in a forest. The forest is completely burned, but the man is unburnt and the match unlit. How did the man die?

2006-10-21 15:00:59 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why don't politians like to use bookmarks?

-they like to bend their pages over.

2006-10-21 14:31:48 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

a cop pulls over a guy that has penguins in his car. the cop says "take them to the zoo" then the cop sees the penguins with the guy again."i thought i told you to take them to the zoo"the guy says "i did and now to the beach"

2006-10-21 14:26:45 · 25 answers · asked by skypirate23 2

A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

2006-10-21 14:26:16 · 17 answers · asked by *~♥3r|k@♥~* 2

They like to bend their pages over.

2006-10-21 14:25:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man lives on the twelfth floor of an apartment building. Every morning he takes the elevator down to the lobby and leaves the building. In the evening, he gets into the elevator, and, if there is someone else in the elevator -- or if it was raining that day -- he goes back to his floor directly. Otherwise, he goes to the tenth floor and walks up two flights of stairs to his apartment.

2006-10-21 14:24:53 · 16 answers · asked by SmartStuff 2

2006-10-21 14:22:39 · 11 answers · asked by Erica 2

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................................49
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking.............Mooooooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...............On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit.......Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former sl*t.
New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.....No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................B*tch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

2006-10-21 14:19:57 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a gun. The man says thank you then walks out. Why?











The man that asked for a glass of water had the hiccups. When the bartender pulled the gun, the man was frightened and his hiccups went away.

2006-10-21 14:15:23 · 17 answers · asked by SmartStuff 2

i turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-10-21 14:13:52 · 12 answers · asked by LIZARD 3

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

2006-10-21 14:08:38 · 35 answers · asked by Dharshi 2

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2006-10-21 14:04:07 · 35 answers · asked by Dharshi 2

2006-10-21 13:51:22 · 3 answers · asked by *~♥3r|k@♥~* 2

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "Wow, that’s hard to believe.”
A guy in the back row says, “No, really we have.” The crowd nods.
"And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up."OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up, one of which is the guy in the back row. There's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any
of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy in the back row with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Uh-I'm sorry I thought you said goats."

2006-10-21 13:48:14 · 10 answers · asked by jimppanzee 2

there is one funny answer i am looking for

2006-10-21 13:47:27 · 4 answers · asked by msnmlls 3

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF- IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS. Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Important, count them ONLY ONCE: do not go back and count them again

2006-10-21 13:46:07 · 23 answers · asked by *~♥3r|k@♥~* 2

There are two doors: one leads to death, and the other to utopia. There is a robot in front of each; one robot always lies, and the other always tells the truth. You are allowed to ask only one question (but it can be a compound question - in essence you can only obtain one answer) and the same question is asked to each robot. What question do you ask to survive?

2006-10-21 13:44:14 · 21 answers · asked by imalumbojack 1

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

2006-10-21 13:32:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous