Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

terrorist who burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe trying to blow the army bus up

2006-10-22 03:20:14 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

a irish electrician

2006-10-22 03:17:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Click on this page

http://www.eyetricks.com/scary_optical_illusion2.htm

Look at the pic, you'll see a room, there's something not quite right with it.

1st to come back with the answer gets 10 points.

Hint: concentrate on the centre of the room, it might take you a minute to get it

I love this puzzle and you'll know why once you'ved sussed the answer

2006-10-22 02:25:39 · 34 answers · asked by projetkarma 2

two nuns driving down a fog dark road when all of a sudden a man comes flying out of the bushes and lands on the windscreen, 1st nun says show him your cross, 2nd nun get of the ******* car.

2006-10-22 02:19:17 · 18 answers · asked by chickenfoot 1

One day the lion the king of all the animals call all them to discus a very serious problem they have.
LION - Look guys you **** all jungle and we cant walk without foot your stools.We have to do something about it!!
LION - I found it the lion shout!I am gona buy some chemichal toilets!But if i find anyone that **** again down i am gona eat him!!!
All the animals agreed
After some months the elephand eat a flower and start have bellyache.He start running to the chemichals toilets but he didnt make it.He **** down
Sudently the lion apear.When the elephand shaw the lion he scared and grab th sits and put them into his palm.
-What do u have at your palm elephand asked the lion
-I have a little batterfly reply the elephand
-Oh really,i love batterflys can i see it?"Said the lion"
-NO U CANT if i open my palms it will fly away
-Oh come on please
-NO
-The lion grab the hands of the elephand and open them.....
...and then the elephand said..
ha ha the little jerk **** me....

2006-10-22 02:17:38 · 6 answers · asked by Tzatzikomouris 2

1) how can you keep water on a net?

2) it can be cut and will grow back. yet when you least expect it, it may disappear never to return.

3) i weaken all men for hours each day. i show strange visions while you are away. i take you by night, by day take you back. none suffer to have me, but do from my lack.

4) they have not flesh nor feathers, nor scales, nor bones, but they do have fingers and thumbs of their own.

5)double by number, i'm less than a score. half of my number is less than four. add one to my double when bakers are near. days of the week are still greater, i fear.

6) you are at a river. with you are a chicken, a wolf and a bag full of grains. you have to cross the river in your canoe but can only take one with you at a time.
you cant leave the chicken with the grain.he will eat it.
you cant leave the wolf with the chicken.he will eat it.
how will you get everything over and intact?

2006-10-22 01:58:53 · 8 answers · asked by liju v 2

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I
said "Did you get my drift?”

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it"; he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?”I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?”. He
said "How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked
for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller" he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".


Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
said "Are you two an item?”

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is
this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food
in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why
they asked?” they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished
she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

2006-10-22 01:30:59 · 12 answers · asked by untanuta 5

this means that the will Reggie put forward is the one that should be followed.

This raised a howl of protest among the three other sons. But Reggie banged his fist on the table and shouted, “Of course Dad would leave the company to me! I’m the most responsible! When he died, I was the only one who cared enough to put away all his most precious things—which is exactly how I foundthe will, tucked between pages 91 and 92 of his favorite book!”

Holmes leafed through the book—Bleed Them Dry: The Vampire Way of Business—and shook a finger at Reggie, “Responsible my foot! All I see is a big faker… and a will that may be as fake as the person who found it!”

What made Holmes suspect Reggie and the new will?

I’ve tried to get the answer, what comes only in my mind is that any paper cannot be tucked between pages 91 and 92 because it is just in the same page. I’ve tried to prove this and it really was. Can I be right?

I’ll give 10 points for the first one who answers best.

2006-10-22 01:23:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can anyone please help me? I’ve got this riddle from a magazine, but until now, I can’t know the exact answer to this puzzle.

This is how it goes, the McVampire was a Vampire family.

When McVampire’s magnate Count Snackula died suddenly and left behind a sizable empire of fastfood chains, it was hard to tell, exactly, to which of Snackula’s four sons the company would go. Werelock Holmes let Sir Hossis, the family lawyer, explain. “According to the Count’s last will and testament, the McVampire company would be equally divided among his sons. But just yesterday, Reggie, the Count’s third son, came forward with a brand new will.

With the entire family watching, Holmes said that everything was identical except the content of course. The new one stated that Reggie and Reggie alone, would become the chairman of McVampire’s. Below the signature was a date. “Three days after the old will was written,” Holmes observed. According to Halloween law, this means that it (continued next)

2006-10-22 01:22:11 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir," answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh - excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
************************
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterine' biitch for breach of contract," snapped the oilman.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive DRILLING RIGHTS!"

2006-10-22 01:01:09 · 19 answers · asked by Pd 6

when I pass gas(fart) its pointed at the ground but hits me in the nose every time....

2006-10-22 01:00:49 · 14 answers · asked by aggravatingprick 4

Broke Back Mountain Lady

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two
cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard
and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of win e,
waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he
was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes
into town again, you're fired!"

2006-10-22 01:00:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A car was involved in an accident in a street. A large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him.
"Lying in front of the car was a donkey"
**********
A drunk is at a bar and stumbles into the bathroom. All is going fine for a few minutes and then the bartender hears a blood curdling scream from the bathroom and then silence. Another minute or two go by and then another scream reverberates. This was enough and the bartender ran to the bathroom to see what was going on, "What the hell is wrong with you?" the bartender yelled.
The drunk man replied, "Every time that I try to flush this toilet something reaches up and squeezes my balls really hard!"
"You idiot, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"

2006-10-22 00:42:59 · 22 answers · asked by Pd 6

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night,

I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.


A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger.

He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your breasts it's worked for your ****'.



My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.



Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the s**t out of me.

So today I decided I'm never reading again.



Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?'

Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.



A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.



Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.



Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.



Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!



It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is.



Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the ....'!

2006-10-21 23:38:59 · 29 answers · asked by ? 2

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven.

She takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm proud to own them."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks the Queen the same question.

She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in, and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "But a royal flush beats a pair any day."

2006-10-21 23:36:06 · 14 answers · asked by ? 2

On a beautiful night Marie rolls towards Pierre and whispers, "kiss me!"
Deliberately, Pierre uncorks a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's face and lips. "What are you doing?" splutters Marie.
"I am a fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
So she smiles and they kiss, softly but ardently.
Things began to heat up and Marie sighs, "kiss me lower"
Pierre takes a bottle of Chablis and pours it over her breasts.
"What are you doing now?" asked Marie.
"When I have white meat, I have white wine!" said Pierre
She giggles and said softly, "kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her crotch, then strikes a match and WHooooshhh!!!! She's on fire.
Marie screams, ran to her feet and throws herself into the pool. Standing waist deep, she screamed furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL YOU DID?"
Our hero twitching his moustache said proudly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down FLAMES!!

2006-10-21 23:28:41 · 14 answers · asked by Pd 6

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"
*************
Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them.

Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.

His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishop’s room and then say to him, "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked.

He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"

2006-10-21 23:04:35 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-21 22:52:22 · 25 answers · asked by silconbob 3

Once, a man went to the sea for vacation. He went a day before his wife, and he wrote her an e-mail, but he wrote the email adress wrong and the e-mail went to a priest's wife, but the priest died yesterday, so when the woman read the e-mai, she fainted. After her faint, the relatives wanted to know why did this happen, so they read the mail: My darling, I have arived safely, even if I thought that it will be hard without you. Everything is ready for your arrival, tommorow. Your dear husband. P.S I'ts very hot here!

2006-10-21 21:52:35 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

I want to play a joke on a friend who's sleeping over at my house and I want to know how could I scare her while she's sleeping.. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP

2006-10-21 21:36:16 · 12 answers · asked by ♠lAUGhTERZ 5

2006-10-21 21:25:58 · 22 answers · asked by triumph the insult comic dog 1

there was a printing company in iowa that was planning on moving its office to a new location. this particular company employed 60 people, who all lived in different directions and took different routes to work, some over rivers, lakes, freeways and thru towns. anyways, when the company moved to their new location, everyones commute time increased by 20 minutes, but they still followed thier usual routes to work. what happened?

2006-10-21 21:20:24 · 10 answers · asked by mechmunkee3 3

http://images5.theimagehosting.com/Upload10th.jpg

2006-10-21 21:16:45 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I never opened the door, I just talked through the letter box to see how she ******** likes it!!

What are your comments on text messages like this?

2006-10-21 21:10:45 · 21 answers · asked by Lisa P 5

god wouldnt, jesus couldnt, and the one that did, didnt want to...
what was it?

2006-10-21 21:08:40 · 9 answers · asked by mechmunkee3 3

You have to pick only one.

Fiqure 1
Short, 300 pounds, bald, missing teeth, but it has brains....

Figure 2
Tall, fit, hot hot hot, but dumb as rocks...

2006-10-21 21:08:03 · 10 answers · asked by MerryBerry 2

2006-10-21 20:57:48 · 29 answers · asked by truckergb2002 1

A blonde is bragging about her knowledge of state capitols...

Proudly, she says, "Go ahead. Ask me. I know all of them!"

Her friend says, "Ok then. What is the capitol of Wisconsin?"

The blonde boastfully smiles and says, "That's easy: W."

2006-10-21 20:40:36 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

it won't be long now!

2006-10-21 20:30:40 · 7 answers · asked by just peachy 2

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

2006-10-21 20:21:18 · 8 answers · asked by Mark 2