I NEED some funny jokes!!?

Question

Anything to make me smile!

Answer 1

-how do you know when Micheal Jackson has a hot date?
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-When there's a tricycle in his front yard!

Answer 2

You Talking to Me

I was driving along the interstate when I decided to take a comfort break.

The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall, "Hi. How are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed, "Not bad."

Then the stranger said, "So, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird, so I said, "Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back later. There's some idiot in the next stall answering the questions that I am asking you!"
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Well, How Do I Look?
The Top Bad Response For Guys To Give To The "How Do I Look" Question


"That's a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago."

"I ain't seen a caboose that big since Amtrak left town."

"Uh-uh, the last time I answered that question, I went temporarily blind."

"Ssshhh, the games on right now..go look in the mirror, that's what its there for!!"

"Oh man, I'm gonna lose my lunch."

"Like the girl I was with yesterday."

"Like someone in dire need for some liposuction."

"Well, if I close my eyes, just like my previous, prettier girlfriend."

"How can I put this...MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Answer 3

I don't understand the aggie one at ALL, but the bear poo one is AMAZING

K, so heres a story one. You gotta read it out loud...

Theres a plane crash on a isolated/uninhabited island, and there're only 3 survivors, a white man, an Indian, and a china man. So the white guy says "since I'm white, I'll be the leader" And the other two guys are like, sure w/e. the white guy says "you (to the Indian) go get us some food, and you (to the china man) go get us some supplies, and I'll get us some shelter" So later, the Indian is walking around with a ton of fruits, and finds the white guy standing under a hut. They start eating, and are like, wait, wtf? wheres the chinaman?

So they go looking for him, and after an hour, they're exhausted, and they sit down. Soon though, a bush in front of them rustles, and they're hella scared, and then the chinaman jumps out and yells "Suplies!!!"

get it? surprise/supplies

Answer 4

MEANT FOR EACH OTHER

This really stupid guy found a mirror on his way home. Where he had seen that face before became a dilemma right away, so every five minutes he took the mirror out of his bag and tried to remember.

" Dam, Where have I seen this face before? "

He got home. His wife had fixed him dinner, but he said he wasn't´t hungry and moved to the patio with a cup of coco. After five minutes he took the mirror out again and continued with his staring. An hour went by and he became sleepy. So he hid the mirror behind a tree and went to bed. His wife who had been checking the whole scene, was very suspicious. She ran to the tree grabbed the mirror and after a short stare rushed in to the house to furiously confront her husband.

" I can´t believe you´ve been cheating on me with this slut. "

Answer 5

Setting: Aggie Land

An Aggie failed horrible on a test ans was to be expelled. The day before he was, the student begged the principal to give hima test, any test, to show he could do it.

The principal agreed and decided to conjure up a REALLLLLLY hard question and ask the student infront of the WHOLE campus.

The student studied his brains out and finally the day came. He stood nervously on stage and the principal asked very slowly..."What is two plus two. You may think about it for a while."
The student thought and thought and finally took a deep breath and said..."four"

The principal turned to the crowd of aggies and said..."what do you say? Do we give him another chance or is taht the right answer?"

The aggies all yelled in unison"GIVEM ANOTHER CHANCE!!! GIVE EM ANOTHER CHANCE!!!"

Answer 6

Got two of 'em fer ya...

1. How did the guitar player get a handicap parking spot?

He put drumsticks on his dashboard.


2. Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
(Just think about it a minute, you'll get it. HINT: There's no answer.)

Answer 7

Little Voice

A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought ''how weird.''
A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again, checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped mowing and checked her mailbox to see what was so wrong with it. After seeing nothing, he went back to mowing just shrugging his shoulders.

As soon as he heard her coming out again, he shut off his mowing machine and went up to her. ''What in the world are you doing, coming out here every five minutes?''

The blonde looked up at the man and said, ''Well, you see, there's this little voice in my house that keeps on saying, 'You've got mail,' but when I come out here to check, I don't have any.''

Answer 8

There is this guy and he lives on the 20th floor and he goes al the way to the basement... and then when he comes back he go's to the 15th floor and walks the 5 steps up.....WHY?

Answer 9

Sorry, I post jokes.

I usually keep from 4 to 6 jokes posted, but you have to click on my profile to locate then. They get posted on different days.

Answer 10

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods.

The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks, "Do you have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replied, "No, not at all."

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

Answer 11

What do you call a grandfather that gets hit on the road...... a pap smear.