Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

oh my god i got up late then my daughter was sent home from school the washing machine broke dog was sick in the front room ive got a head ache please could you tell me some jokes to cheer me up will give 10 points to the first one that makes me laugh out loud

2006-10-04 08:44:19 · 33 answers · asked by paulette7618 4

the man from the charity is a little concerned that the lawyer earns so much but donates nothing to good causes. first of all says the lawyer, my mother is dying in hospital and she's not covered by insurance. secondly i have six kids through two failed marriages. thirdly, my sisters husband died and she has no one to support her four kids. i'm terrible sorry says the guy from the charity, i feel badly about asking you for money. the lawyer looks at him and says, well if i'm not giving them any money why should i give it to you.

2006-10-04 08:36:43 · 12 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

2006-10-04 08:32:10 · 26 answers · asked by Coo coo achoo 6

solve this anagram first and get the points

2006-10-04 08:28:20 · 3 answers · asked by bwaaaare 3

( Q ) Who else is afraid of the big bad wolf ?

2006-10-04 08:26:55 · 18 answers · asked by How e' ye Horse 2

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
to never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Feed him.
2. F*ck him.
3. Shut the f*ck up.

And women say that men are complex?

2006-10-04 08:25:10 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

.....said 'Boomer rang, he said he would get back to me'. Is Dad tacking the love sausage juice or what? & No! I havent been reading Viz!

2006-10-04 08:11:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-04 07:57:30 · 4 answers · asked by Tiffany H 1

2006-10-04 07:56:55 · 17 answers · asked by teddy shae 2

Apparently Mark Foley is now saying he was misunderstood when he said he was an alcoholic. He just said he likes a little Johnny Walker.....

2006-10-04 07:56:40 · 4 answers · asked by jim 6

_>
>A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic
garbage
>bags with her, one in each hand.
>There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill
is
>flying out of it onto the pavement.
>Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling
>out of that bag."
>Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
can
>still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast now,"

>says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?"
>
>"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the
>parking lot of Lambeau Field.
>Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and

>right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with
a
>big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy
through
>the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
>
>"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's
>in the other bag?"
>"Well", says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."

2006-10-04 07:52:35 · 14 answers · asked by lady_kiki_007 1

When it's Dripping Wet....What are some things you do?
There was a couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the
husband had put on his bedlamp to read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached
over to his wife and started fondling with her between the legs. He did this only for a
very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and
asked, "What are doing taking all your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with me down there. I thought it was foreplay for
something a bit heavier."

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, what were you doing then?"

"Oh!", he exclaimed, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

2006-10-04 07:50:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-04 07:42:40 · 15 answers · asked by filotofo 1

i'm a 6 letter word
_u_e_l

2006-10-04 07:39:37 · 6 answers · asked by elaine 1

married couple in their sixty's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.I want to travel around the world with my husband said the wife
2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.
husband says sorry love but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.so the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92......,moral of the story is men who are ungrateful b.a.stard.s should remember fairies are f>u>cking female..........

2006-10-04 07:33:16 · 15 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Hormones:


The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his ownhands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: May I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: May I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Plainly; Men Suck
11. Pack My Stuff

........And my favorite one...
12. Potential Murder Suspect



And remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings.



Another thing to giggle about... My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.

Here, have some chocolate.

2006-10-04 07:32:06 · 15 answers · asked by bobtraskjr 1

2006-10-04 07:27:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was just reading a scientific report that stated that a lot of top scientists believe that termite farts are a major contributor to global warming.
Can you believe that?TERMITE FARTS!!!

2006-10-04 07:26:14 · 11 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

2006-10-04 07:25:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Look, Dad, I didn't go to school for six years to get a degree in __________ just for the ______ of it. I got that degree so I could _________ a lot of _________ before I retire. Can't you understand that women don't like a guy unless he has _________and ________ and _______?

2006-10-04 07:18:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-04 07:05:08 · 15 answers · asked by sean l 2

>>A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get
>married again.
>>She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
>>
>>HUSBAND WANTED:
>>
>>MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
>>MUST NOT BEAT ME,
>>MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
>>AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
>>ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
>>
>>On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
>she
>>opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a
>wheel
>>chair. He had no arms
>>or legs.
>>"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the
>widow
said. "Just look at You have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on
you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in
bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang
the
door bell, didn't I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

2006-10-04 06:56:32 · 14 answers · asked by "B" 3

bc they can run, shoot, and steal!

2006-10-04 06:43:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

2006-10-04 06:41:45 · 13 answers · asked by justguessin' 2

2006-10-04 06:30:20 · 7 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

2006-10-04 06:26:49 · 10 answers · asked by laninonnie 1

A quarter-pounder with cheese!

2006-10-04 06:24:10 · 12 answers · asked by justguessin' 2

- Crying is blackmail
- Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
- Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
- Anything you wear is fine. Really.
- Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
- If you thing you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
- Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
- Yes, going standing up is more difficult that going from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
- A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
- Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
- If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
- Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
- Women wearing Wonder Bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about being stared at.
- Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.

2006-10-04 06:18:05 · 8 answers · asked by Wilson Wilson 3

one is for hot water, one is for cold and one is for peroxyde.

2006-10-04 06:16:47 · 6 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

2006-10-04 06:12:19 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous