oh my god i got up late then my daughter was sent home from school the washing machine broke dog was sick in the front room ive got a head ache please could you tell me some jokes to cheer me up will give 10 points to the first one that makes me laugh out loud
2006-10-04 08:44:19 · 33 answers · asked by paulette7618 4 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
daughter was sent home with a temp after takin her coat and cardi off having a cold drink she was back to normal in about half hour school said she cant go back till fri just in case its abug
2006-10-04 08:52:31 · update #1
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
2006-10-04 08:53:01 · answer #1 · answered by bellelayne 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Two jokes for ya - hopefully one will earn me 10pts. Hope tomorrow is better for ya!
1) Have you heard what happened last weekend to the gay cowboy....?
He rode into town and shot-up the sheriff.
2) Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners. Paddy says: "Wow, that was just awesome. I wonder how the girls got on!"
Oh go on then have a third:
A door to door salesman knocks on a door. A boy about 8 years old answers dressed in stocking and suspenders, with a fat cigar in one hand and a large glass of red wine in the other. "Is your mum in son?" asks the salesman. The boy replies "Does it f**king look like it?"
2006-10-04 08:58:03 · answer #2 · answered by silversilver3 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
illuminate some scented candles, decrease the lighting fixtures, turn some comfortable jazz, elementary listening, or classical music yet no longer too loud, run your self a magnificent, warmth bubbly bath, and soak in it for twenty minutes. you'd be surprised at how comfortable you'd be. Then have a salad, a magnificent effortless dinner, and probably really of ice cream or cake (do no longer OVER DO IT!), then you quite will be able to handle homework. No alcoholic beverage, ok? the major to that is putting your self first!!!!
2016-12-04 06:39:49 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Another giggle... My boyfriend, unhappy with my mood swings, bought
me a mood-ring to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his
forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy diamonds.
Female Hormones
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
2006-10-04 09:05:13 · answer #4 · answered by LAUGHING MAGPIE 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
OK so theres this parrot. He has a terrible mouth.. a mouth he could never kiss his mother with, every work out his mouth is **** this **** that... you get it... the problem with this is his owner Joe is very religious. Can't stand that kind of language. The parrot gets off on this... and it only entices him to do it more. So one day Joe gets completely fed up and throws the parrot in the closet. IT FREAKS OUT! Claws up everything and just goes to town in that place. Joe gets irritated and opens the door, out comes the parrot worse than ever. Joe throws the parrot in the cupboard and the same thing happens. He finally lets him out and the parrot is horrible, saying things that would make a sailor blush. JOE IS PISSED. He grabs the parrot and throws him in the freezer. The parrot starts up again but soon stops and there is dead silence. Joe is a little concerned about his parrot and opens the door. The parrot meekly hobbles out of the fridge and sits on Joe's shoulder. "Listen Joe, Im incredibly sorry for the trouble I have caused you and I hope you can forgive me" the parrot says batting his eyes but not getting too close to Joe. Joe notices there are tears in the parrots eyes and decided to forgive him. "Great," says the parrot, " I just have to know and please dont get upset with me, but what did the chicken do?"
2006-10-04 08:58:48 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I in no way discriminate against any certain type of people, these are just jokes someone told me...
A guy is dying of cancer...
Son: Daddy, why are u telling people you're dying of AIDS?
Dad: So when im gone, no one will come near your mother....
Some guy says to a fat woman: O i didn't know you had twins?
Woman: Are u an idiot or something? They aren't twins, one is 13 and the other is 7...
Guy: Well, I just figured they were cuz how the hell did u ever get laid twice!?
2006-10-04 08:51:30 · answer #6 · answered by cali_gal716 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Put a paper bag over the cats head and see how erratic it's reverse gear works....then put some sticking plaster under it's paws and see it flick all the fleas off it's body..put a peg on it's tail and see how it wheelspins on the slippery floor..Throw all the washing in the bath, and half a box of washing powder, call the SPCA and when they arrive and see what you did to the cat, they will have a fit, throw them in the bath and the convulsions will wash the washing.The extra foam will wash the dogs mess away
, your daughter will freak out and go back to school and you will forget about your headache...
2006-10-04 09:14:20 · answer #7 · answered by Featherman 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
A man drives through Alabama on his way back up North. Decides to stop for the nite. He walk into to this place sits down and orders a white wine. The bartender looks at Him and says " we don't serve white wine, we only serve hard liquor and beer". A few of the patrons in the bar, come over and say "we don't like you kind down here we are getting ready to kick your a@@. where u from boy". The man says "Chicago", the biggest meanest of the patrons says" Chicago what the hell do you do in Chicago". The man turns to the patron and says " I'm a taxidermist" the patron "What the SAM heel is a Taxidermist". The man now sweating profusely says " I mount animals" the patron walks up to him and slaps him on the back and says " Its alright boys he is one of us" Hope you feel better.
2006-10-04 08:54:06 · answer #8 · answered by John B 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh!"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of women?" God said , "Ah, yes."
"Well", said Arthur, "professional to professional, You have some major design flaws in Your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that My invention is a little flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding My invention than yours!"
2006-10-04 08:47:48 · answer #9 · answered by bouta45 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
A man walks into a bar with a little monkey.
The little monkey starts to run around the bar eating stuff. It eats an olive from an unsuspecting drinkers martini and a peanut from the bar before jumping on to the pool table and eating the 8 ball.
The barman promptly throws out the bloke with the monkey, telling him not to return until it is better behaved in public.
On their next visit to the bar the monkey sits quietly for a while. suddenly it grabs a cocktail cherry from someones drink and whilst sitting on the bar proceeds to push it up his bum before pulling it out and eating it.
"That is the most disgusting thing I ever saw" cries the barman"You said your monkey had better manners now."
The man shrugs" Well he does still like to eat little round things but after that 8 ball he likes to check them for size first."
sorry
2006-10-04 09:03:09 · answer #10 · answered by elmonos 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋