Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

An old man was sitting on a
>>>bench at the mall when a teenager with spiked hair in all
>>>different colours including green, red, orange, blue and yellow
>>>walked up to the bench and sat down. Every time the teenager
>>>looked up he saw the old man staring at him.
>>>The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old
>>>timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
>>>
>>>Without batting an eye, the old man replied.... "Got drunk once
>>>and had
>>>sex with a peacock.........I was wondering if you were my son

2006-10-05 02:15:46 · 23 answers · asked by Adele 4

2006-10-05 02:01:06 · 19 answers · asked by The Deadman 2

Two old ladies, Mabel and Maude, are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.


Mabel pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.


"What the hell is that?" asks Maude.


"A condom," replies Mabel. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."


"Where did you get it?" asks Maude.


"You can get them at any drugstore," says Mabel.


The next day, Maude hobble herself into the local drugstore and tells the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.


The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at Maude kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.


"Doesn't matter, Sonny," says Maude, "as long as it fits on a Camel."


And that's when the pharmacist fainted.

2006-10-05 01:55:08 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-05 01:48:32 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Christian - Christina
Justine - Justina
Clement - Clementina
Augustine - Augustina

2006-10-05 01:35:36 · 17 answers · asked by police 6

if ur answer is YES, how'll u justify?

2006-10-05 01:26:42 · 14 answers · asked by abnick 1

2006-10-05 00:53:46 · 14 answers · asked by sara j 1

Do you think there is a kind of correlation between gender and spam type?
I mean, if you're a man the odds are you'll be getting mail about breast enlargement.
If you're a woman, penis enlargement is what you're gonna find in your mailbox early in the morning when you come to work.
Isn't it just one of Murphy's laws?

2006-10-05 00:35:16 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-05 00:35:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

...white with black stripes or black with white stripes. My friend asked me this and i didn't know the answer.

2006-10-05 00:29:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-05 00:24:23 · 29 answers · asked by netwalker01 3

A new level of Hell has just been opened, and you get to decide who it's for.
- Which sinners will you send there?
- What will their punishment be?

If you've never read Dante's Inferno or you've no idea what I'm talking about then go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Divine_Comedy

(BTW this is meant to be a bit tongue in cheek. Feel free to be as inane as you like. Just keep it clean, that's all)

2006-10-04 23:58:57 · 33 answers · asked by FrozenCamel 3

Remember this is a joke. Get me a funny answer.

2006-10-04 23:56:47 · 10 answers · asked by Cool Z 5

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

2006-10-04 23:47:45 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE CHAV NATIVITY:

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?
He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked.
She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper.
I never bin wiv no one!'
So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.
She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.'
Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah?
To have her bay-bee an' that.
But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.
Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh?
Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.
He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees.
You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think
I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'
Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref,
an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

2006-10-04 23:45:51 · 10 answers · asked by biggsy 1

go

2006-10-04 23:45:04 · 14 answers · asked by Syd L 1

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to
Her
mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she
Exclaimed:
"I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my
Mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes,
yes, anything" the blonde promised. "Well then, just follow me", said
The
man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was
Told and
followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He
then said "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my
Zipper". She
did. "Now go ahead ... Take it out...." he said. She reached in and
Grabbed
it with both hands then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered
"Well............ Go ahead". The blonde slowly brought her mouth
Closer to
it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively
Said...........
"Hello. Mom,-- can you hear me?"

2006-10-04 23:35:19 · 25 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

2006-10-04 23:21:18 · 23 answers · asked by kelly b 1

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

2006-10-04 23:08:34 · 16 answers · asked by biggsy 1

3 women on a plane and it crashes into the sea.. they all swin to an island with there little cases. they sit down and dry off and the next thing the indian woman starts to put on her gold ear rings necklaces rings and the 2 other women say what are you doing and she replys its a well known fact the most richest women gets rescued first and with that the english lady starts to put on her make up and do her hair and put on perfume and the other women say what are you doing that for and she replys it is a well known fact the most beutiful woman gets rescued first and with that the black woman stands up and shouts bollocks walks to the edge of the sea and drops her pants, the other women asks why are you doing this and she replys its a well known fact they always find the black box first....

2006-10-04 23:08:18 · 22 answers · asked by JAY JAY 3

2006-10-04 23:04:59 · 8 answers · asked by TOMBOY 1

Little fish said to Dead fish "How did you die?"
Dead Fish replied "Son, I forgot to breathe".

2006-10-04 23:03:07 · 12 answers · asked by goodwin 3

2 cows in a field and 1 cow say to the other what do you think about this mad cow disese. the other cow replys it dont concern me im a pig...

2006-10-04 22:57:35 · 16 answers · asked by JAY JAY 3

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------
Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------Q. Why do men fart more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------
Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------
Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman who won't do what she's told.
------------------------------------------------ FACT. I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------FACT. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
-------------------------------------------------
FACT. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------
FACT. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

2006-10-04 22:57:14 · 24 answers · asked by biggsy 1

Here is one more since these things cost 5 points( gooood looord thats alet of meony) How many tweekers does in take to clean your house.....?

2006-10-04 21:24:37 · 5 answers · asked by sissylala 1

after compromising each one will have 2sticks.Bang on!!

2006-10-04 20:50:30 · 10 answers · asked by Clinty 1

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."

2006-10-04 20:13:00 · 12 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Paw preference is extremely common among non-human animals. In most species where researchers have looked for it, they’ve found it. Parrots seem to be mostly southpaws. Rats, monkeys and chimps are about divided equally between left- and right-pawed individuals, though rats and monkeys have been observed to slightly favor their right paws for handling objects. Badgers, wolves, and bears are left-pawed; lobsters are left-clawed. It’s been suggested that certain species of crabs might be “left pincered,” as the pincer on their left side is larger and stronger than the one the right.

http://www.mledger.com/2005/archives/3_column021005.shtml

The strongest muscle in your body is the gluteus maximus. Our buttocks is also the least sensitive part of our body. Did you know that your tongue is also considered one of the strongest muscles in your body?

http://www.innerbody.com/text/strongmu.html

2006-10-04 20:01:56 · 5 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed wiith only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different

2006-10-04 19:48:18 · 10 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

No Cheating..... add 1000 then add 40, add 1000 and add 30, add 1000 and 20, add 1000 and 10... what is the answer.... answer it as fast as you can... no revision of answers.... answer it your first answer that comes into your mind.

2006-10-04 19:47:45 · 15 answers · asked by gelo 1