Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

came out new

2006-09-05 17:54:11 · 2 answers · asked by lancerevorulz 2

Sorry, there a few raw ones in here, hope you enjoy, let me know.
>Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
>
> >A. Ask your mother.
>
> >Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
>
> >A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
>
> >Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
>
> >A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
>
> >Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
>
> >A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
>
> >Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
>
> >A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
>
> >driving.
>
> >Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
>
> >A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

> >Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's butt?
>
> >A. A mechanic!

> >Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
>
> >A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
>
> >donuts.
>
> >Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
>
> >A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
>
> >Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
>
> >A. The one with the dirty knees.
>
> >Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
>
> >A. A battery has a positive side.

> >Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex A. "Honey, I'm home!"
>
> >Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
>
> >A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy

> >Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in
>
> >his sleep.
>
> >A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
>
> >Q. How can you tell a macho women?
>
> >A. She rolls her own tampons.
>
> >Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
>
> >A: Hair balls.

>
> >Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
>
> >A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.

2006-09-05 17:25:42 · 14 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

husband and wife sitting in diner when large breasted woman comes in. wife says to husband; i wish my breast were that big. Husband tells wife to rub tissue between breast every day. wife ask how this works. Husband replys, you have been doing that to your butt for years and it is growing like a champ.

2006-09-05 17:20:51 · 7 answers · asked by old hippy 2

> Quickie #1
> One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
>very sexy nightie.
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
> So he tied her up and went fishing.

> Quickie #2
>
> A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
> Quickie #3
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
> Quickie #4
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> Quickie #5
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all
> something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> Quickie #6
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK!
> Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
>your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
>
> Quickie #7
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
> Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

2006-09-05 17:10:05 · 34 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Not a question, Just a little humor?
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her
altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.

She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend
I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet
above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude
and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, ".everything you tell me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to
me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're
going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now
you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault

2006-09-05 17:07:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?
Here are the testimonials of
a few people who did...
*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowj*b?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.
He knew better.
*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget .
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan! my, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, ! did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.
Now, didn't that feel good ?

2006-09-05 16:50:53 · 24 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Two blonde girls were working for a city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street,then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

2006-09-05 16:50:49 · 10 answers · asked by snookie121280 4

- When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it. (You know you've done it!)

- Order a cup of water and 2 napkins. That's it.

- Ask the cashier how she fits in that little box, and mention that you are an entertainment agent looking for mimes with experience.

- When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.

- Demand a Sausage McGriddle and 2 hash browns at 11 pm. If they say they are not selling breakfast, insist that they expedite it immediately.

- Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.

2006-09-05 16:49:03 · 13 answers · asked by snookie121280 4

Spell "pound" in two letters.....

be quick!

2006-09-05 16:44:44 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-05 16:41:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands..............?

2006-09-05 16:36:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-05 16:34:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok. i have a tamagotchi V3 and it comes with a paper 2 turn off&on. well, that paper ripped!! is there any way 2 turn it off+on without paper???? most useful solution gets 10 pts.

2006-09-05 16:25:59 · 2 answers · asked by Smile =]™ 4

A commercial airplane left from England to the United States, halfway across the pond the plane lost two engines. The pilot made this announcement: Ladies and gentlemen we have lost two engines and the only way we can make it to America is to get rid of as much excess weight as we can so I’m taking the plane down to a safe altitude so we can open the doors and get rid of all unnecessary baggage, Well, all the passengers threw all their baggage out the door.

The Pilot then said: Thank you but I still don’t think it is enough, so I’m going to have to ask for volunteers to jump off the plane.

A British man jumped out of his seat and headed for the door, as he jumped he yelled: “God save the Queen.”

A Frenchman jumped out of his seat and headed for the door and as he jumped he yelled: “Viva La France”

A big old man from Texas, not to be outdone by a Brit and a Frenchman lumbered down the aisle towards the door, as he reached the door he reached down and grabbed two Mexicans and as he threw them out the door he yelled: “Remember the Alamo”

Come on that’s funny, and just a joke!

2006-09-05 15:56:45 · 9 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Think of as many extinct animals......But not including any dinosaurs or mammoth's or anything of that time! Think! Oh Boy,Oh Boy I have the answers!!!!!!

Hint: One extinct animal is a flightless bird from Canada!

2006-09-05 15:35:20 · 17 answers · asked by Lissa305 4

(nothing to messy! we will probaly have to cllean it up ourselves.) :(

2006-09-05 15:33:33 · 7 answers · asked by California Girly-Girl! 1

A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall.

In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.

Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.

Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer.

Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there? "

A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

"Who said that?"

"It's the Lord."

"Can you help me?"

"Yes, I can help. Have faith in me."

"Help me!"

"Just let go."

Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"

"Have faith in me. Let go. I will catch you."

"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"

2006-09-05 15:27:08 · 20 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Hi I am an 8th grader i am looking for a good prank i want it funny but not to harm its victim just a friendly funny one.

2006-09-05 15:03:17 · 7 answers · asked by HiddenLakes 3

most creative wins

2006-09-05 15:01:18 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a joke :)

It's called Mycoxaphlopin.

2006-09-05 14:56:22 · 7 answers · asked by Brandy 3

2006-09-05 14:40:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

most creative wins

2006-09-05 14:36:18 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

and a donkey is an a.ss...
then why is a ram in the a.ss a goose?

2006-09-05 14:34:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night a young boy walks in on his mom and dad
while they are having sex. He asks, "What are you
doing dad?". The boys dad says "Son I am playing
poker and your mom is my wild card!". The young
boy understands fully and goes on to bed that
night. The next night the young boy walks in on
his grandparents having sex and asks, "Grandpa
what are you doing with grandma?". his grandpa
raise up and says "I am playing poker and your
grandma is my wild card." The boy understands
again and goes to bed. The next night the boys
father walks in the bathroom and sees his son
jacking off. The father shockingly asks "Son,
what are you doing?". The son replies to his
father "I am playing poker." The father then
asks, "Where is your wild card". The son replies
"Who needs a wild card when you got a hand like
this!"

2006-09-05 14:27:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

most creative wins

2006-09-05 14:24:34 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

most creative wins

2006-09-05 14:23:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

most creative wins

2006-09-05 14:23:19 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

most creative wins.

2006-09-05 14:22:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

most creative wins.

2006-09-05 14:14:52 · 9 answers · asked by clueless 1

most creative wins, no dirty stuff.

2006-09-05 14:12:18 · 10 answers · asked by clueless 1