Anyone up for a Quickie? Watch out! these are old but i'm going to make you laugh! What do you think?

Question

> Quickie #1
> One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
>very sexy nightie.
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
> So he tied her up and went fishing.

> Quickie #2
>
> A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
> Quickie #3
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
> Quickie #4
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> Quickie #5
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all
> something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> Quickie #6
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK!
> Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
>your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
>
> Quickie #7
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
> Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

Answer 1

Pretty good BassCatcher you gave me a laugh I had a bad day today I appreciate it .

Thank You .

Answer 2

LOL- THATS great!!! heres one u ,ay have heard...i've got been given such a lot of... A panda walks right into a bar in this fairly stupid looking cowboy outfit. anybody thinks he ought to have escaped from a vacationing circus and shows the sauntering bear hilarious. the bear walks as much as the counter and eats all of the nutrition and drinks. than walks over to the tables and does an identical undertaking. slowly, he turns around and whips out his weapons, killing all in sight. whilst he feels that everybody are lifeless, he walks out the door and disappears into the horizon. 2 adult males reappear from in the back of the bar and stare at one yet another in awe and disbelief. ultimately, one has the braveness to chat up and say to the different, "what the hell became into that?!!!" and the different fairly responds with a cool and collective answer..."properly, in case you seek for panda in the dictionary, it says a miles off relative of the racoon that EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES." lol...

Answer 3

1, 2, 4, 6, and 7 are Great!! 7 was the best!!!
here's one I heard the other day:
What do you call a midget with 40lb balls?

Half nuts=)

Answer 4

Hoohoohoohoohoohoo!

Answer 5

They were cute the first time I heard them.... though I have to admit there are two that tickled my fancy tonight

# 6 .. I won't tell my hubbie this one... he might use it on me!

and # 7 always makes me laugh..

Answer 6

The last one made up for the ones before it . lol very funny

Answer 7

lol, those are great! I really liked #3.Can't wait to tell my husband. In a way, I already have, lol! (I tell him I'm always right, whether I am or not)

Answer 8

Heard them all before, but always worth a chuckle.=)

Answer 9

Hilarious! Good job!

Answer 10

You said they were old. I've never heard any of them! Very funny!!!