Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-19 03:07:29 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-19 02:58:41 · 14 answers · asked by Bedroom Celebrity 3

A. You are sharing a prison cell with Mike Tyson, and he tells you he is "curios".

B You are out hunting with Don Rumsfeld and a quail flies close to your crotch.

2006-08-19 02:20:12 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day while on patrol a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He
went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing
he noticed, besides the nice red sports car was how hot the driver was! Drop
dead Blonde the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding Mama.....could I see
your driver’s license...? "...Whats a License...?” replied the blonde. Instantly
giving away the fact that she was as a stump. It’s usually in your wallet...
Replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes the driver managed to
find it. Now may I see your registration!!! Asked the cop. Registration....whets
that...? Asked the Blonde. It’s usually in your glove compartment said the cop
impatiently after some more fumbling she found the registration. Ill be back in
a minute... the cop said and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the
dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few
moments the dispatcher came back. Mum is this woman driving a red sports car.
Yes....Replied the officer. Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde? Asked the
dispatcher. Uh...Yes
Replied the cop. Hers what you do.....said the dispatcher. Give her stuff back
and drop your pants.
WHAT!!!?Icant do that. It’s ........inappropriate. Exclaimed
The cop. Trust me....Just does it. Said the dispatcher. So the Cop goes back
to the car gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as
the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... Ohm no......not
ANOTHER breathalyzer....

2006-08-19 02:17:04 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-19 02:03:57 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

good websites for finding about india and their states good websites gets 10 points please tell fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and by the way where do live

2006-08-19 02:02:51 · 9 answers · asked by Riya 4

2006-08-19 02:02:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-19 01:52:07 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Call your boss and tell them that you have anal glaucoma, that you can't come in today. When they ask you what is this illness, tell them "I can't see my A** going into to work today.

2006-08-19 01:46:59 · 18 answers · asked by lady love 2

Call your boss and tell them that you have anal glaucoma, that you can't come in today. When they ask you what is this illness, tell them "I can't see my A** going into to work today.

2006-08-19 01:46:25 · 5 answers · asked by lady love 2

Now you say who's there!

2006-08-19 01:24:48 · 16 answers · asked by kntsmaid69 2

Once upon a time there was a magic mirror that could tell when you were lying.
If you were, ZAP! It would suck you in and you were gone forever.

One day, an old lady, a brunette, and a blonde happened by the mirror. The old
lady looked in it and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she was gone.


The brunette looked in and said, "I think I'm the most
Beautiful woman in the world." ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she, too,
disappeared.

The blonde looked in and said, "I think. . ."
ZAP!

2006-08-19 01:22:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

OK, I just created this original joke. I will send it to the TV.

Q:Why didn't the wild horse flip off the rider?
A: Because horses don't have middle fingers

AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2006-08-19 01:20:10 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Belzebubba----LOL

2006-08-19 01:12:46 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, brunette and a redhead, all good friends are each 3 months pregnant.
The redhead comes out with, "I'm having a baby boy".The blonde asks, "How do you know that"
The redhead says, "When we were having sex, I was on top"
The brunette then says "Than I must be having a baby girl, since I was on the bottom when we were having sex"
The blonde begins to cry uncontrollably. Both friends ask why she is soupset.
I'm going to have puppies"

2006-08-19 01:08:19 · 9 answers · asked by Pd 6

The silver haired lady confronted her doctor with a
Complaint of pains all over her body.

"Be more precise," he said. "So I can help you, try pointing to some of the
places that hurt.

The silver-haired doll put her finger on her arm and said, "Ouch!" then her
finger to her hip and said, "Ouch!" and then to her rib cage and said, "Ouch!"
again.

The doctor stopped her and asked, "Were you a blonde before your hair grayed"?


"Why yes!" she said excitedly, "But how did you know?"

The Doc answered, "Your fingers broken."

2006-08-19 00:57:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-19 00:53:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man decided to leave work early and go drinking. He stayed at the bar until
it closed and by then, he was very drunk. When he got home, he didn't want to
wake up his wife, so he removed his shoes and started to tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he fell backwards and landed flat on his butt. That
wouldn't have been so bad, but he had a couple of empty bottles in his back
pocket which broke and carved up his buttocks pretty badly. He was so drunk
though, that he didn't even realize he was hurt.

He made it up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he began to undress.
Suddenly noticing some blood, he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough,
he saw that his behind was cut up something awful. He repaired the damage as
best he could, under the circumstances, and went to bed.

When he woke up in the morning, his head was hurting, his backside was
hurting, and he was cowering under the covers, trying to think up a good story.


Just then, his wife entered the room and said, "Well, it looks like you
really tied one on last night. Where were you?"

"I worked late, dear," he replied, meekly, "and went out for a couple of
beer."

"A couple of beer? That's a good one," she snapped. "You got plastered! Where
did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "my first clue was when I got up this morning and saw all
the band-aids stuck to the mirror....."

2006-08-19 00:49:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-19 00:41:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a long flight. To pass
the time, the lawyer suggested that they try to stump one another with trivia.

"If I ask you something that you don't know, you owe me $5. The same goes if
you ask me something I don't know." The blonde refused.

"Okay. If you don't know an answer, you pay me $5, but if I don’t know an
answer, I pay you $50."
The blonde accepted. The Lawyer went first.
"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde didn't say anything, but merely reached into her purse, pulled out
a $5 bill and handed it to the lawyer. Then it was her turn.


"What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?"

The lawyer had no idea, so he gave her a $50 bill.


"So, what is it?"


The blonde said nothing, but merely reached into her purse and gave a $5 bill
to the lawyer.

2006-08-19 00:40:51 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a blonde, a brunette and a red head and they were stranded in
the desert and there car broke down and they all decided to take one item with
them so the burnet took her cell phone just incase she got a signal some where
she could call for help the red head took her canteen of water the blond took
the car door after walking for 3 hours the blonde said oh yah i for got i
carried this door the whole time and forgot to roll down the window no wonder i
have been so hot

2006-08-19 00:38:53 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-19 00:38:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-19 00:36:49 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englishman awaiting the train to Paris at the station restaurant in Calais beckoned to the waiter and asked him in French laden with a heavy British accent, "Do you know the man smoking a pipe and reading a newspaper over by the heater?"
"No sir. So many of our patrons are just passing through."
"Well, please call the manager for me then."
When the manager arrived, the Englishman repeated his question.
The manager scrutinized the man by the heater.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I've never seen him before."
With that, the Englishman rose and walked over to the man.
"Please accept my apologies, sir, for speaking to you without having been properly introduced," he said, "but your coat is on fire!"


lol

2006-08-19 00:24:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

>>>1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.....He thought he
>>>was God and I didn't.
>>>2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
>>>3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
>>>4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
>>>5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
>>>6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
>>>7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
>>>8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
>>>9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
>>>10. I'm not a complete idiot --some parts are missing.
>>>11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
>>>12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
>>>medicine.
>>>13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
>>>14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
>>>15. Consciousness: the annoying time between naps.
>>>16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
>>>17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
>>>18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
>>>19.. Procrastinate Now!
>>>20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?
>>>21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
>>>22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
>>>23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
>>>24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
>>>25. He who dies with the most toys is none-the-less dead.
>>>26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand
>>>times the memory.
>>>27. Ham and eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
>>>pig.
>>>28. The trouble with life is there's no background music, and I can't find
>>>the darn HOLD button.
>>>29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
>>>30. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
>>>
>>>
>>
>>
>>

2006-08-19 00:22:39 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon.When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "it was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible 4-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please Mother!" And the new bride began to sob.
"But honey," the mother countered, "what 4-letter words?
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! Come get me, please!!!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell me those words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!!!"

2006-08-19 00:18:28 · 19 answers · asked by Pd 6

A woman meets a Navy chief in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They go back to his place. As he shows her around his apartment, she is struck by the fact that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are literally hundreds of teddy bears on three shelves running the length of the room along one wall.

Small, adorable teddy bears fill the bottom shelf. Cute, cuddly medium-sized ones adorn a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears are perched on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is quite surprised that a chief would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive. Although she decides not to question him about it, she actually is quite impressed by this unexpected evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly........they kiss softly...........then again.

Soon their passion has overwhelmed them, and she leads him quietly to the huge king-size bed along the far wall.

After spending an intense night of passion with the chief, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman slowly rolls toward him and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

The chief, stifling a slight yawn replies: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

This should prove once and for all that Navy chiefs are sensitive and caring people!

2006-08-19 00:17:33 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Restroom Signs



Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE







Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC









If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC









Remember, it's not,
"How high are you?"
it's
"Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia









Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO









No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her ****.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC









At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ









It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust
on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ









Make love, not war..
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT









If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York, New York.









If pro is opposite of con,
then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's Restroom
The House of Representatives
Washington DC









Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ









You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.









No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA














A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

2006-08-19 00:05:14 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Marooned on a South Seas island, a man with a beard down to his knees is walking on the beach. Suddenly a beautiful woman emerges from the surf.
"Been here long?" she asks.
"Since 1981," he replies.
"How long has it been since you"ve had a cigarette?"
"Eleven years."
She unzips a pocket in the sleeve of her wet suit, pulls out a pack of Camels, lights one, and hands it to him. He inhales greedily.
"How long since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
"Eleven years."
She unzips the other sleeve and offers him a flask, He takes a long pull and looks at her adoringly.
"How long, " she asks coyly, "Since you played around?"
" Eleven years, " he says wistfully.
She starts to unzip the front of her wet suit. "Gosh," he says, "You got a set of golf clubs in there?"


lol

2006-08-19 00:04:30 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I nearly fell off my chair... :D

http://excds.ath.cx/fun/images/kmartvz5.jpg

2006-08-19 00:01:51 · 9 answers · asked by Forlorn Hope 7