Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

She doesn't believe it for a minute, but that night, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself that she'll try anything to shut that dog up, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon trick might work on him, too, so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! She got the best sleep she had had in months.

Early the next morning, her husband awakens from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"

2006-08-18 15:30:11 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell."

Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.

St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.



Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there, and he's now really, really irritated.


"Okay, that's it," he says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.

St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"

"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.

"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.

"They keep resuscitating me."

2006-08-18 15:28:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call a black guy who pulls up in a big black cadilac? "Black Power"
What do you call a white guy who pulls up in a big white cadilac? "White Power"
What do call a native american who pulls up in a big brown cadilac? "Grand Theft Auto"

2006-08-18 15:27:22 · 9 answers · asked by ally_oop_64 4

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull s-h-i-t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who s-h-i-t-s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s-h-i-t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep s-h-i-t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course

2006-08-18 15:25:33 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is greater then God?
what is more evil then the devil?
the poor have it
the rich need it
and if you eat it you will die

2006-08-18 15:19:00 · 18 answers · asked by ally_oop_64 4

Funniest wins!!!

2006-08-18 15:05:45 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all
could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard
on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and
hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of
Khalua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions,
the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

2006-08-18 15:05:45 · 28 answers · asked by Huh? 6

I'm listening.......

2006-08-18 15:03:10 · 9 answers · asked by Laurie 3

1. Why did the orange stop on it's way to the market?

2. What did the fast tomatoe say to the slow tomato?

3. How can u transform a pumpkin into another vegetable?

2006-08-18 14:54:45 · 14 answers · asked by Shyne_06 4

A South Carolina redneck passed away and left a sizable estate to his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns fourteen.

Folks in Alabama now go to the movies in groups of 18 or more since they were told that in some theaters "17 and under are not admitted."

The minimum drinking age in Tennessee was raised to age 32 in an attempt to keep alcohol out of high schools.

You know you are in Georgia when you call the front desk from your motel room and tell the clerk "I've gotta leak in my sink," and he says, "go ahead ... you paid for the room".

You can tell if a Mississippi redneck is married. There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

The Arkansas governor's mansion in Little Rock was almost destroyed by
fire. In fact, the entire trailer park was almost lost.

The law in North Carolina was recently changed regarding divorce. Now, after being divorced, the couple is still brother and sister.

A Texas State trooper stopped a redneck in a pickup truck for weaving on
the roadway. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The redneck said, "Bout what?"

2006-08-18 14:50:12 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Floyd Landis admited that he ingested an outside sourse of testosterone??

He ate Barry Bonds

2006-08-18 14:46:31 · 3 answers · asked by Sunshine 4

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/1049/Who+Farted

i guess i shouldent have had those baked beans for lunch
:)

2006-08-18 14:31:32 · 5 answers · asked by nobody 3

How is this possible : A person dies of thirst in their own home.

2006-08-18 13:54:07 · 22 answers · asked by serena b 2

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with





A Misdewiener! ðäÆ

OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody

2006-08-18 13:47:53 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

There is a common English word that is nine letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word - from nine letters right down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time?

GOOD LUCK ;)

2006-08-18 13:46:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-18 13:45:46 · 12 answers · asked by tubasteve 2

What number would you get if you multiply together the number of fingers on everybody's left hand in the state of Mississippi?

2006-08-18 13:38:30 · 22 answers · asked by adanthuis 2

Which is correct: 9 and 5 is 13 OR 9 and 5 are 13?

2006-08-18 13:22:33 · 19 answers · asked by cheeks 4

2006-08-18 13:07:34 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

To impress a woman:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her.
Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her.
Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with
her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again
for her.

To impress a man:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.

2006-08-18 13:06:41 · 43 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-18 13:02:00 · 6 answers · asked by pattiof 4

Does anyone have any good ideas for things to put on t-shirts?

2006-08-18 13:01:06 · 15 answers · asked by sladed 2

This came up at work today in a mixed race group and we all thought it was kind of funny. If you see it as racist, my apologies and feel free to report it, but it just sounds funny to us.

2006-08-18 12:56:39 · 17 answers · asked by But why is the rum always gone? 6

2006-08-18 12:40:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-18 12:40:26 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Which animal travels lightest

And which one carries the most,

Whether the trip be just a mile

Or a journey from coast to coast?"

2006-08-18 12:37:05 · 9 answers · asked by Spy 1

What can go through

The water and yet

Not ever become

The least bit wet?"

2006-08-18 12:29:34 · 13 answers · asked by Spy 1

"A man was locked up

From spring to fall.

In a room with a calender

And bed - that's all.

None brought food,

To sell or give.

How in the world did

The poor man live?"

2006-08-18 12:24:23 · 18 answers · asked by Spy 1

Think about this:

There is a Hilton Hotel in Paris. It is fairly large and well appointed. (In fact there are many Hiltons in Paris, but this is the Hilton Paris).

http://www.hilton.com/en/hi/hotels/index.jhtml?moreDesc=true&ctyhocn=PARHITW

So, truly it can be said, that the Paris Hilton sleeps many men and has been used a lot?

2006-08-18 12:18:46 · 19 answers · asked by But why is the rum always gone? 6

I live above a star, and yet I never burn,
I have eleven neighbors, and yet none of them turn,
I am visited in sequence, first, last or in between,
PRS (& sometimes Q) are my initials,
now tell me what I mean.

2006-08-18 12:13:01 · 11 answers · asked by Spy 1