Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

JOKE

2006-08-19 20:14:58 · 13 answers · asked by Captgoody 2

Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

2006-08-19 20:10:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."

A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

2006-08-19 20:09:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

2006-08-19 20:08:28 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

2006-08-19 20:06:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

City Councilman ejected from studio:



T. Bud Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Pensacola, Florida, was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.


"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say:

"Red is positive, black is negative"

2006-08-19 20:05:55 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

> > >Heaven and Hell
> > >
> > >John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends . One night, they
> > >both died in a terrible car accident.

> > >When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could
> > > not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St.Peter and said,
> > > "St.Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't
> > > find him!"
> > >
> > >St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it
> > > to Heaven."
> > >
> > >This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob
> > > one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob
> > > sitting in hell with a
> > >keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.
> > >
> > >John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm
> > >in the right place?"
> > >
> > >"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that
> > > keg of beer?

> > >It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''

2006-08-19 20:04:13 · 19 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

2006-08-19 20:03:53 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you take a long time, you're slow.
BUT if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

If you don't do it, you're lazy.
BUT if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

If you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he's "only human".

If you're on a day off sick, you're "always" sick.
BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
BUT if your boss does it, he's being firm.

If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

If you please your boss, you're a boot-licker.
BUT if your boss pleases his boss, he's being cooperative.

If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
BUT if your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

If you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
BUT if your boss is out of the office, he's away for important meetings.

If you ask to leave early, you must be going for an interview.
BUT if your boss takes the afternoon off, it's because he's overworked.

2006-08-19 19:49:44 · 9 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f-u-c-king bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f-u-c-king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f-u-c-king beak to the bar, you irritating b-a-s-t-a-r-d of a f-u-c-king bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

2006-08-19 19:47:57 · 16 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A little girl was talking to President Bush about whales.

Mr. Bush told her that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the President reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

Mr. Bush asked, "What if Jonah went to the other place?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

2006-08-19 19:45:42 · 18 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first guy turns to the other one and says, "You know, last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense it carries you back into the window."

The Bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way that could happen!"

"No, it's true" said the first guy. "Let me prove it to you". He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the wind whips him in the window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The second guy is astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but it must've been a fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again" says the first man as he jumps. Again, just his body hurtles towards the street, the wind whips him into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck" the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try." He jumps over the balcony and rapidly plunges downwards, his body hits the pavement with a loud splat.

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says "You know, Superman, sometimes you're a real b-a-s-t-a-r-d when you drink."

2006-08-19 19:44:35 · 8 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-08-19 19:31:39 · 19 answers · asked by Gundruk 3

Last time we saw this following riddle:

What does the judge want the dentist to promise?
A: Do you swear th pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?

Lol. And now, for today's riddle:

Do you know the story about the peacock?

Have fun!

2006-08-19 19:30:06 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-08-19 19:27:51 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have a machine which has four cog wheels in constant mesh. the largest cog has 102 teeth and the others have 60, 46, and 34 respectively. how many revolutions must the largest cog make before each of the cogs is back in its starting position?

2006-08-19 19:24:34 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 friends went to a motel and decided to share a room for the night. The clerk told them it would cost $30, so they each gave him $10. Later on the clerk realized he overcharged them and told the bellhop to return $5. Seeing that it would be hard for them to split $5, the bellhop decided to keep $2. He gave them each a dollar back, which means they each only paid 9 dollars. 9 + 9 + 9 = $27....but the bellhop only kept $2 which makes the total $29. What happened to the missing dollar?

2006-08-19 19:21:34 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery

Cinderella's slippers were originally made out of fur. The story was changed in the 1600s by a translator

It is a misdemeanor to kill or threaten a butterfly -- so says City Ordinance No. 352 in Pacific Grove, California.

Dracula is the most filmed story of all time, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is second and Oliver Twist is third.

Other than humans, black lemurs are the only primates that may have blue eyes.

The Roman emperor Caligula made his horse a senator.

The Chinese ideogram for 'trouble' symbolizes 'two women living under one roof'.

Jelly Belly jelly beans were the first jelly beans in outer space when they went up with astronauts in the June 21, 1983 voyage of the space shuttle Challenger (the same voyage as the first American woman in space, Sally Ride).

Almonds are members of the peach family.

The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

2006-08-19 18:55:28 · 34 answers · asked by Gemini23 4

Don't worry I live there and I'll make sure I anwser. It's in Australia.
Whoever rings me and says 'Hannah Banana Foo Doo Moo' will get 10 points!!

2006-08-19 18:47:18 · 8 answers · asked by Bee-aR-whY-Ohh-eN-whY 1

Could you look over my questions that I've asked on this Q&A game and tell me what kind of person I am?

I'm curious to see what you can tell me about myself that I may or may not already know. I re worded this a bit but honestly someone else asked this and I found it a very interesting question. Please be honest.

2006-08-19 18:45:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

He is smart!! If Iamigloo is reading this, please tell me your secret to being so smart!

2006-08-19 18:43:13 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

mine's:
FEED THE BLONDES

2006-08-19 18:35:33 · 19 answers · asked by avi 1

I have two coins in my pocket equally 30c. One is not a nickel, what are the coins? (American coins)

2006-08-19 18:34:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-19 18:27:55 · 15 answers · asked by saja 2

just by changing the only one position of digit it may be any maths logic

2006-08-19 18:22:51 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

need funny tag lines

2006-08-19 18:10:57 · 11 answers · asked by BOYCUTE 2

I'm a man and for that i apoligize, but I thought you would find this as funny as I did! It's just a joke!!!!
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
>harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
>were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
>oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
>
>My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
>Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for
>Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part- time job, both for extra
>income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she
>started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get
>home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
>
>Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
>for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
>Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
>on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so
>eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I
>hit that door.
>
>She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
>unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
>what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
>they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does
>seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
>
>Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say
>that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
>her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile
>and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even
>three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
>missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know
>what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
>
>When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
>had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
>
>I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
>nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
>while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make
>one for me too.
>
>I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm
>not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find
>it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do
>how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you
>just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because
>of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
>
>After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
>
>Signed,
>
>Bob
>
>EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that
>he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf
>club rammed up his ***, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie
>was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her
>Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it...

2006-08-19 17:38:42 · 21 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

2006-08-19 17:32:16 · 17 answers · asked by mrs_poohbear1973 2

there s a three ants going in a row the first said 2 ants r behind me the last 1 said 2 ants r ahead of me but the middle 1 is saying excluding me there is 2 ants behind me and 2 ahead of me .. How she said so?

2006-08-19 17:29:46 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-19 17:25:38 · 20 answers · asked by Wandering Thief 2