Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am George Walker Bush, son of the former president of the United States of America, George Herbert Walker Bush, and currently serving as President of the United States of America. This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person nor by correspondence. I came to know of you in my search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to an account requiring maximum confidence.

I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance in acquiring oil funds that are presently trapped in the Republic of Iraq.
My partners and I solicit your assistance in completing a transaction begun by my father, who has long been actively engaged in the extraction of petroleum in the United States of America, and bravely served his country as Director of the United States Central Intelligence Agency.

In the decade of the nineteen-eighties, my father, then Vice President of the United States of America, sought to work with the good offices of the President of the Republic of Iraq to regain lost oil revenue sources in the neighboring Islamic Republic of Iran. This unsuccessful venture was soon followed by a falling-out with his Iraqi partner, who sought to acquire additional oil revenue sources in the neighboring Emirate of Kuwait, a wholly-owned U.S.-British subsidiary.

My father re-secured the petroleum assets of Kuwait in 1991 at a cost of sixty-one billion U.S. dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out of that cost, thirty-six billion dollars ($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and other Persian Gulf monarchies, and sixteen billion dollars ($16,000,000,000) by German and Japanese partners. But my father's former Iraqi business partner remained in control of the Republic of Iraq and its petroleum reserves.

My family is calling for your urgent assistance in funding the removal of the President of the Republic of Iraq and acquiring the petroleum assets of his country, as compensation for the costs of removing him from power. Unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burden of this new venture, which in its upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100 billion to 200 billion dollars ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), both in the initial acquisition and in long-term management.

Without the funds from our 1991 partners, we would not be able to acquire the oil revenue trapped within Iraq. That is why my family and our colleagues are urgently seeking your gracious assistance. Our distinguished colleagues in this business transaction, include the sitting Vice President of the United States of America, Richard Cheney, who is an original partner in the Iraq venture as the former head of Halliburton company, and Condoleeza Rice, whose professional dedication to the venture was demonstrated in the naming of a Chevron oil tanker after her.

I would beseech you to transfer a sum equaling ten to twenty-five percent (10-25%) of your yearly income to our account to aid in this important venture. The Internal Revenue Service of the United States of America will function as our trusted intermediary. I propose that you make this transfer before the fifteenth (15th) of the month of april.

I know that a transaction of this magnitude would make anyone apprehensive and worried. But I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. A bold step taken shall not be regretted, I assure you. Please do be informed that this business transaction is 100% legal. If you do not wish to cooperate in this transaction, please contact our intermediary representatives to further discuss the matter. I pray that you understand our plight. My family and our colleagues will be forever grateful. Please reply in strict confidence to the contact numbers below.

Sincerely with warm regards,
George Walker Bush

202-456-1111

TTY/TDD 202-456-6213

2006-08-11 13:19:47 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

> >It doesn't matter what party you are this is absolutely hilarious.

> >
> >Missing Bill Clinton

> >
> >Just watched a show on Canadian TV. There was a black
> >comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I
> >miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having
> >a black man as President.
> >
> >Number 1- He played the sax.
> >Number 2- He smoked weed.
> >Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.
> >
> >Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he
> >gets a check from the government every month.
> >Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking
> >America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one
> >of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of
> >a weenie in hot water.
> >
> >Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
> >Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year.
> >When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I
> >don't know, I never had one."
> >American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle"
> >because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
> >Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest
> >leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.
> >Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.
> >The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the
> >truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing
> >but what I think you need to know."
> >Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do
> >HankyPanky between Bushes.
>
>
>
> Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy
> to none. --Benjamin Franklin
>

2006-08-11 13:17:04 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Could it be that the good one says Amen...and the bad one says Aaaaaaa Men ! " ...?

2006-08-11 13:11:34 · 17 answers · asked by Featherman 5

We went back to her place and started to undress. She took off her wig and put it in the drawer. Then she put her glass eye in the drawer. Then she put her false teeth in the drawer and her false chest and her false leg. By the time she'd finished I didn't know whether to get in the bed or in the drawer.

2006-08-11 13:11:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The "esp" part in my name means something.
10 bonus points for the first person to get this right.

The clues are all there.

2006-08-11 13:10:43 · 11 answers · asked by esp_nevada 1

For me, this one sticks out in my mind...

Superman is flying by the superhero apartment complex when he notices Wonder Woman sunbathing in the nude on the top floor. He fly's by taking a glance and smiles. The next day, Superman fly's by again and again, Wonder Woman is sunbathing in the nude. Superman comes to a quick decision, and with his speeding bullet speed he zooms down, screws Wonder Woman and zooms away before she knows what happens.

Back on the top floor, Wonder Woman says, "What was that?!"
The invisible man responds, "I don't know, but my asshole sure does hurt."

2006-08-11 13:10:17 · 11 answers · asked by Kevin J 5

Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.


Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: I'd really like to get into your pants.
Woman: No thanks. There's already one a-s-s in there.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet.

Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!
Woman: Yeah! To pick up some chicks!

Man: "Hi, I'm a millionaire!"
Woman: "Hi, I work for the IRS."

2006-08-11 13:09:18 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-11 13:07:55 · 8 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

Two women are having coffee when one notices that the other woman seems troubled. So she asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."

"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money in the stock market," she explained.

"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," she said.

"What do you think he'll feel is the worst part?" the friend asks.

"Well," she says, "Probably how much he's going to miss me."

2006-08-11 13:06:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

any type are fine as long as they are clean and age appropriate--no bar jokes or relationship etc

2006-08-11 13:05:14 · 6 answers · asked by creative rae 4

One day a friend asked her why she named them all George and she said, "When dinners ready all I have to do is yell GEORGE! and they all come runnning. He thought a while then asked, "What do you do if you only want to talk to one of them?". She said, "Then I just call them by their last name!"

2006-08-11 12:58:21 · 8 answers · asked by Nikki 2

Two men go up to the landlord of the pub. "Evening, Landlord, me and my mate here are having an argument and you are the very man to settle it. I say in the old measurement, there were two pints in a quart. He says it was three" "It was two pints" Said the landlord. "Thank you. He wouldn't have it". The two men walk to the other end of the bar and order drinks. "Hello, love- Er, two pints of bitter and it's on the house" "Yes, I don't think" Says the barmaid, "No, straight up. Here, look- Er Landlord? Landlord? Two pints wasn't it?" The landlord, busy at the other nods his head "That's it, two pints" The barmaid hands them their free drinks.

2006-08-11 12:57:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-11 12:55:19 · 3 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff,
Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "****," the rottweiler ate him!"

2006-08-11 12:54:31 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBRHetKH4MQ

2006-08-11 12:52:44 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Suddenly last summer, three little birds told me that I could travel around the world in a day if I continue working day and night. I was in rapture at my white wedding then I began to unravel.♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫

2006-08-11 12:48:03 · 1 answers · asked by ♥Saffron♥Daydream♥ 3

Two men go up to the landlord of the pub. "Evening, Landlord, me and my mate here are having an argument and you are the very man to settle it. I say in the old measurement, there were two pints in a quart. He says it was three" "It was two pints" Said the landlord. "Thank you. He wouldn't have it". The two men walk to the other end of the bar and order drinks. "Hello, love- Er, two pints of bitter and it's on the house" "Yes, I don't think" Says the barmaid, "No, straight up. Here, look- Er Landlord? Landlord? Two pints wasn't it?" The landlord, busy at the other nods his head "That's it, two pints" The barmaid hands them their free drinks.

2006-08-11 12:44:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

because in a milliion years they know that they are gunna become black.

2006-08-11 12:42:39 · 5 answers · asked by stikky 1

Two men go up to the landlord of the pub. "Evening, Landlord, me and my mate here are having an argument and you are the very man to settle it. I say in the old measurement, there were two pints in a quart. He says it was three" "It was two pints" Said the landlord. "Thank you. He wouldn't have it". The two men walk to the other end of the bar and order drinks. "Hello, love- Er, two pints of bitter and it's on the house" "Yes, I don't think" Says the barmaid, "No, straight up. Here, look- Er Landlord? Landlord? Two pints wasn't it?" The landlord, busy at the other nods his head "That's it, two pints" The barmaid hands them their free drinks.

2006-08-11 12:42:21 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending:

$65.00 on make-up,

$150 for a cut & color,

$30 for a manicure,
$40 for a pedicure,

$50 on vitamins,
$300 on clothes

and $600 for a gym membership.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed it to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

2006-08-11 12:37:43 · 15 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

hitler

2006-08-11 12:29:32 · 6 answers · asked by stikky 1

I know this has been asked before, but I am looking for some to teach my five year old. She loves them, but she can't make up her own to save her life. I've given her a few, but want some more ideas.

2006-08-11 12:25:58 · 6 answers · asked by But why is the rum always gone? 6

haha this is easy but i was bored..

2006-08-11 12:18:06 · 8 answers · asked by Brandon Yo! 2

Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and
passionately in love.

For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled
over to Duncan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore".... she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Duncan.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common" she wailed. "He claims you are a mere
crab and a poor one at that, and that crabs are the lowest class of
crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone that can only walk
sideways"

Duncan was shattered, and scuttled away into the darkness to drink himself
into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the Great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far
and wide, dancing and merry making but the Lobster Princess refused to join
in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the door burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in.

The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King
rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way
across the floor....... and all could see that he was walking, not
sideways..... but forwards... Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne until he finally looked
King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush..........................

For quite a while.......................

Finally the crab spoke.....................


"F**k I'm pissed!" he said.

2006-08-11 11:53:33 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

I'm a first-year Boorish Sciences major studying for my V.A.T.s (Viking Assessment Tests), and I can't remember if you pillage first, and then plunder, or if it's the other way around. Also, should I sign up for Study Valhalla, or a different elective? I've heard only good things about The First Cut is the Deepest: Axe-wielding Seminar with Prof. Hrothgar.

2006-08-11 11:41:06 · 7 answers · asked by megpavlikova 3

Such as, "No parking!", "Space 4 rent!", "Additional Parking In Back", and other... stuff...

2006-08-11 11:35:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-11 11:29:39 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-11 11:23:52 · 19 answers · asked by go UCLA bruins! 3

It's on the blog of my 360...Check it out and let me know!

2006-08-11 11:21:30 · 28 answers · asked by ? 4

A pound of feathers or a pound of nails?

2006-08-11 11:08:33 · 29 answers · asked by Erin A 2