Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

The Life Of An Egg

December 21st, 1999 (No. 113)
AskMen.com Rates This Joke: 9/10


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So you think your life is bad?
Just think how bad the Life of the EGG is...

You only get laid once!

You only get eaten once!

It takes you 4 minutes to get hard!

It takes you 2 minutes to get soft!

You have to share a box with 11 other guys!

And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your Mother!

NOW don't you feel better?

2006-08-11 20:49:00 · 15 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

A really fat lady, with a HUGE butt and small breasts, was sitting at the bar enjoying her drink. It wasn't long before another customer, a semi-drunk man, came in and sat next to her.
After ordering himself a drink, he looked around and noticed the pear shaped lady. He then bluntly stated to her, "Lady, you sure have a HUGE butt". Upon hearing this, the lady smacked the guy so hard that he fell off of his barstool and left.

It didn't take long for another customer to enter the bar, this time it was a really drunk sailor. He sat down next to the pear shaped lady, looked at her and said "Jesus, lady, you sure do have small breasts!"

The lady said "I know, and I wish that I could do something about it".

The sailor had a suggestion. "You should try this. Take a wad of toilet paper and wipe it up down your breast bone for a few days ... that should do the trick".

The lady became curious. "Really?", she said. "Do you think that will work?"

"I'm not sure," the sailor responded, "but it sure did a number on your butt!"

2006-08-11 20:48:10 · 13 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

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1. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
2. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

3. Order in another language, but be careful what neighborhood you are in.

4. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.

5. Ask how they fit into that little box.

6. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.

7. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

2006-08-11 20:44:57 · 24 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

2006-08-11 20:41:15 · 20 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

2006-08-11 20:39:31 · 12 answers · asked by Meenu 1

2006-08-11 20:30:10 · 11 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

ok, no cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anocnmnai volrifgan

Winner will be rewarded (first with right answer)

2006-08-11 20:15:57 · 7 answers · asked by whatever i don't care 2

This is a nice hard scramble, NO CHEATING!!!!

ruelna nhchpisoapmi

I'll award the winner

2006-08-11 20:01:30 · 10 answers · asked by whatever i don't care 2

call her up and tell her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOL!!!!!!!!!!
just a funny joke i thought id share with everyone
what do you call a gynocolyjust with no arms or legs gifted LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tell me jokes please,the dirtyer the beter

2006-08-11 19:56:17 · 11 answers · asked by memnoche1972 1

2006-08-11 19:47:04 · 3 answers · asked by internet_mack 2

2006-08-11 19:40:48 · 21 answers · asked by Kelrec 4

This is used in relation to denoting a person's significance or qualities or something like that... May be it is what the person believes in. Please give me an answer!

2006-08-11 19:37:17 · 8 answers · asked by Rulebreaker-Raj 3

Yesterday, we had this riddle:

Why do I always cover my ears when there are chickens around?
A: Because I don't want to listen to any fowl language!

Heheh.. And here is today's riddle:

What do you call a parrot that's not getting any food?

Have fun!

2006-08-11 19:36:02 · 18 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

he has a pencile and 2 sheets of paper
the door is locked shut no windows
no one gets in or out
there is no water or any liquid.
the boy is on the floor dead soaked
he didnt throw up or piss
y is he soaked

2006-08-11 19:26:34 · 13 answers · asked by internet_mack 2

can any one make me laugh

2006-08-11 19:03:58 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

died. one day the boy went to the park and a old man on a bench said hey son why so blue?
the old man was not his stepfather or any grandparent who is he?

2006-08-11 19:00:17 · 27 answers · asked by internet_mack 2

A man and his son were in two seperate cars, they both had wrecks and was taken to two different hospitals. The surgeon came out and said I can't operate on this boy he's my son. Who's the surgeon?

2006-08-11 18:49:11 · 26 answers · asked by sweet.pjs1 5

2006-08-11 18:33:48 · 29 answers · asked by aadeliquent 1

2006-08-11 18:32:48 · 9 answers · asked by aadeliquent 1

2006-08-11 18:27:50 · 16 answers · asked by aadeliquent 1

My girlfriend and I are ripping on eachother, in good fun. I need some good old fashioned sexist ammo. Thanks.

2006-08-11 18:25:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

In an envelope there are 10 notes ,its doesnt consist the denominations 2 and 5.The envelope contains a total of 50Rs.what are the denominations of the notes present in teh envelope

2006-08-11 18:16:28 · 25 answers · asked by nik 3

I'm sure someone knows this!!!!!

2006-08-11 18:13:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

No sites please...just a few of your fav blonde jokes. Looking for a laugh.

2006-08-11 18:11:19 · 12 answers · asked by Q&A Chick 2

I know it was only a night and we said things wouldn't get "weird," but....I thought what we had was special! *sobbing*

2006-08-11 18:10:34 · 8 answers · asked by megpavlikova 3

Good Luck all !

2006-08-11 18:02:47 · 3 answers · asked by ₦âħí»€G 6

2006-08-11 17:49:43 · 18 answers · asked by coolncaring 2

2006-08-11 17:49:13 · 7 answers · asked by coolncaring 2

How to maintain a healthy level of sanity…


At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.


Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.


Insist that your e mail address is:
Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com
Elvis-the-King@companyname.com


Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.


Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.


Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”


Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.


Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.


Reply to everything someone says with, “That's what you think.”


Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”


Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.


Dont use any punctuation


As often as possible, skip rather then walk.


Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.


Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”


Sing along at the opera.


Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.


Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)


Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3.”


Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.


Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.


Call 999 and ask if 999 is for emergencies.


Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.


Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.


When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!”


When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, “Run for your lives, they're loose!”


Tell your boss, “It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do.”


Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”


Every time you see a broom, yell, “Honey, your mother is here!”

2006-08-11 17:47:22 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-08-11 17:31:23 · 27 answers · asked by Aisha 1