Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

I know the answer I just want to see who else does. I look at this as a test of applied creativity.

2006-07-18 06:07:43 · 7 answers · asked by danie_1024 2

2006-07-18 05:42:29 · 28 answers · asked by remo_vr 1

so why are you behaving like that?

2006-07-18 05:42:22 · 14 answers · asked by Satan's Girl 2

Cigarette Warnings
Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment."

Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information.

How about something like this:

* Warning: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?

* Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.

* Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

* Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

* Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not.

* Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any.

* Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.

* Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?

* Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

* Warning: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.

2006-07-18 05:42:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

u r in a room with no doors or windows all u have is a brick a wooden table an a mirror

2006-07-18 05:20:12 · 12 answers · asked by daidiiro 2

Making Love to a Woman
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

2006-07-18 05:13:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Excuse Me, Your Fly Is Unzipped
1. "The cucumber has left the salad."

2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."

3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."

4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."

5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"

6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."

8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."

9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"

10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis."

2006-07-18 05:12:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Check your Dirty IQ!
Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?

2006-07-18 05:10:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

101 Things Not To Say During Sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.

12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people.

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession..

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?

2006-07-18 05:08:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-18 04:53:57 · 19 answers · asked by Pennywise 3

What particular thing/object/living things is black when young/first stage,white when old/second stage,other than hair,what is it?

2006-07-18 04:49:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A car is driving through a desolate town with both headlights burnt out... all the streetlights in this town are out as well - there was just a major power surge caused by multiple lightning strikes. It's very cloudy and raining - there is no power in the town, and absolutely no moonlight.
Just then, a completely black dog (no white markings) slowly crosses the street right in front of the car, and the driver manages to swerve out of the way in time.

How did he manage this with no flashlight, no headlights, no street lights, and no moonlight?

(No, the driver doesn't have night vision goggles, or any other devices to aid his vision).

2006-07-18 04:48:32 · 12 answers · asked by absolut_sicilian 2

who knows the punch line?

2006-07-18 04:47:09 · 6 answers · asked by Blonda 4

Sunburn Cure..............
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a
horrible sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is
promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister and noting the severe pain
he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous
intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra
pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra
do for him now, Doctor?"
"It will keep the sheets off his legs."


Okey-Dokey people.....1-10 with yer best comment!
First one to make this here Cat smile....win's a fish!

Sharin' my smiles....
SmileyCat : )

2006-07-18 04:43:41 · 3 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4

Seven plus Five are eleven

-or-

Seven plus Five is eleven

??

2006-07-18 04:32:50 · 20 answers · asked by absolut_sicilian 2

2006-07-18 04:01:33 · 16 answers · asked by shortgirl 3

I cant find it!

2006-07-18 03:50:08 · 13 answers · asked by ♥♫i luv♥♫juicy fruit♥♫gum 6

2006-07-18 03:44:35 · 18 answers · asked by shortgirl 3

a man often stays on his computer untill he has to go to the bathroom, after he goes to the bathroom he does something than returns to the computer! what is it that he does in the middle of these two?

2006-07-18 03:40:11 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A). should the worm get up earlier?
B) should the worm have slept in because the reason it got caught it was also up early?
C). a worm is no incentive for getting up early
or
D)-what's your punchline????

2006-07-18 03:36:47 · 20 answers · asked by porthuronbilliam 4

2006-07-18 03:21:04 · 9 answers · asked by bayb_e70 1

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
Have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed................





"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

2006-07-18 03:20:41 · 21 answers · asked by tictickchick 3

Here's one to get you started:

Q) A Cowboy rode into town on Friday. He stayed 3 days and 2 nights and left on Friday. How?

2006-07-18 03:17:17 · 7 answers · asked by Shayz 2

there are 3 brothers andrew, jack & tom,
everybody thought he was smarter than the others, so they asked their fourth brother nathan, to test them,
so he told them as follows in a separate room u each will get a red or blue dot on your forehead, when u get out of the room if u see atleast one red dot on somebody elses forehead u must put up your hand, then whoever says what color dot is painted on his forehead wins.
he then painted all red dots, when they got out of the room of course everybody raised their hands, but after deep concentration andrew the smartes one said : "i have a red dot" , how could he be so sure?

2006-07-18 03:14:57 · 8 answers · asked by mohamedabdul0o 1

... a man with a hawk on one shoulder, a Kestrel on the other and a night time cleaning job?

2006-07-18 02:50:46 · 20 answers · asked by markhatter 6

if the answer is a piece of cheese?

2006-07-18 02:49:00 · 20 answers · asked by sinnedfairy 5

2006-07-18 02:30:50 · 14 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

After all that’s where is does his business.

2006-07-18 02:28:07 · 12 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

2006-07-18 02:26:29 · 12 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

2006-07-18 02:18:37 · 9 answers · asked by Still Waters 1