Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

you can elaborateon this to make it longer which is the point, but here isthe basic story.i would of written more but not enough room.
okay, so there is this boy and he is in his attic looking around and he finds a purple book that says purpleplattycakes on it, so he goes downstairs and asks,"mom what does purple platty cakes mean?" his mom turns around, her face brightred and says "go pack all of your things" the boy confused "what why?" "do it" the mother says, so the boy packs all of his things and leaves..elaborate on that some, then the boy is going to go to school with all of his stuff and get expelled from school for asking what it is, then he is walking down the street and sees a knome that starts singing purple plattycakes, then he goes to the libary and the boy starts telling her about how weird and horrible his day has been and then she says ohh you must have found the book that says purple plattycakes, then she gives him directions to a house and then he goes outside and g

2006-07-18 13:08:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife answers the door bell and a man asks her, "Lady, do you have a vagina?" and she slams the door shut. The next day the wife answers the door bell and its the same guy and he asks her, "Lady, do you have a vagina?" and she slams the door shut.
The woman tells her husband about the guy and he says he will stay home from work the next day and this time she should tell the man she has a vagina and see what happens. The door bell rings, the woman answers the door, the man asks, "Lady do you have a vagina?" to which she says, "Yes, I do."
The man then tells her, "Well then tell your husband to make use of it and stay away from my wife."

2006-07-18 12:58:22 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Gilmore♥ 5

AN ENGINNER, a mathematician and physicist were standing round the university flagpole when an English professor wandered by. “What are you doing?”
“We need to know the Height of the flag pole,” answered one, “and we’re discussing the formula we might use to calculate it.”

“Watch!” said the English professor. He pulled the pole from its slot, laid it on the grass, borrowed a tape measure and said, “Exactly seven meters.” Then he put the pole back in and walked away.
“English Professor!” sneered the mathematician. “We ask him for the height and he gives us the Length.”

A PLUMBER arrives to fix a leak. He opens his canvas tool bag, and money starts pouring out all over the floor. Hundred dollar notes are everywhere. The plumber stuffs the money back into the bag.
“Can you believe this?” he says in disgust. “I brought the wrong bag.”
Enjoy it !

2006-07-18 12:37:58 · 19 answers · asked by Dr ICY 2

A woman's vegetable garden is growing like mad, but the darn tomatoes won't ripen, they're always green.

So she walks over to her neighbor's and asks, "Excuse me, your tomatoes are always nice and red, while mine are always green. How do I get mine to be more like yours?"

Her neighbor replies, "Well, this may sound crazy, but here's what you need to do. After dark, go out into your garden and take off all your clothes. Dance around a little bit, make sure each tomato can see you, and eventually the tomatoes will turn red from blushing."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," she says.

But midnight rolls around, and she really wants red tomatoes. So she goes in her garden, takes off her clothes, dances around for a few minutes, and then heads back inside.

The next morning she goes into her garden and the tomatoes are still green...... but the cucumbers are 4 inches longer.

2006-07-18 12:33:35 · 35 answers · asked by FLeA 1

IN THE ARTIC ONE DAY. I found a photograph of my granddaddy as a child, taken in 1914. As was the fashion in those days, he wore a white lacy dress that reached down to just above his ankles.
I hung the picture in the living room and explained to my four-year-old niece who it was. Later she showed her little brother the picture.
“That’s grandpa,” she explained with authority, “when he was a little girl.”

2006-07-18 12:21:44 · 26 answers · asked by Dr ICY 2

where everone always tells the truth and will give him food and water if he chooses the other way that is the liars village where everyone always lies and they are all cannibals. There is a man standing at the fork and you don't know what village he is from.
What question can you ask him that will lead you to the right village.
There is only one correct answer.

2006-07-18 12:17:31 · 9 answers · asked by Abi 6

I was given this joke by NYFB!
Willys cynical thought for the day;

I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I just never got around to it. Well, f@ck it I'm starting tomorrow!

Joe lived the happy life in New York City. Then one day he gets in a really bad car accident. He gets sued by the driver of the other car and between the Attorneys, court costs, medical bills and the settlement against him, Joe looses everything!

Six months later, living in a cardboard box, Joe goes out dumpster diving. He finds an old lantern & beings to wipe the tarnish off it. To his amazement, a genie pops out of the lantern!

"I will grant you 3 wishes Joe. But you must remember that for every wish you make, every Attorney in New York will get 2!"

"I want a mansion on the Hudson!" And suddenly...POOF... Joe was standing in his mansion on the hudson river. He looked out the window to see thousands of mansions lining the Hudson.

"I want a brand new Lexus!" POOF...he was in a traffic jam in NYC, surrounded by Attorneys in Lexus'.

"Now Joe, this is your final wish...and remember every Attorney in NY will get 2 of what you wish for."

Joe nodded his head & smiled. "Can you beat me half to death?"

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-18 12:14:33 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

What happened in 1961 that will not happen again for over 4000 years?

2006-07-18 11:56:04 · 11 answers · asked by chrissy 2

I think she got some good shows but sometimes she act to goofy sometimes while she acting. Although she is a good actress.

2006-07-18 11:53:29 · 16 answers · asked by Passoniate of Love 1

2006-07-18 11:52:54 · 15 answers · asked by Mark F 4

AT A WEDDING RECEPTION, a priest and a rabbi met at the buffet table. “Go ahead.” said the priest. “Try one of those delicious ham sandwiches. “Overlooking your divine rule just once won’t do you any harm.”
“That I will do, dear sir,” the rabbi replied, “on the day of your wedding!”

You can share one too just for the crowd here !@! Peace,Out !

2006-07-18 11:43:31 · 13 answers · asked by Dr ICY 2

Willys cynical thought for the day;

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't freaking bother you for weeks!

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.  

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:  

"370HSSV-0773H."  

He was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Dick Cheney. Cheney and his advisors had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it went to the National Education Association and then to MIT.  

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help. They cabled Mr. Bush back:  

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."  

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-07-18 11:42:00 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A : The Chinese man's name is How Long.

Here's another one for you:
Question : Why do testing laboratories prefer to use lawyers instead of mice in experiments?
Answer: Because there are more lawyers than mice, the scientists don’t get attached to lawyers, and there are some things mice won’t do.

Do you have any for me ? Peace out

2006-07-18 11:29:54 · 6 answers · asked by Dr ICY 2

So how does that make you unique?! LOL!

2006-07-18 11:19:43 · 15 answers · asked by Miss Terious 3

How Long is the Chinese man ?

2006-07-18 11:13:49 · 21 answers · asked by Dr ICY 2

Ok my teacher of last year told me this and i never got it and i asked everybody and they dont know. Then i went back to him and said whats the answer but he never told me soo here it is.- There are 3 priest and a cannibal and 2 boats the priest is on 1 side of the river and the cannibal is on the other side. How do the priest get over to the other side without getting eatin and they have to use 1 boat to get 2 over there and have to go back for the other priest. IDK, help me!

2006-07-18 11:12:16 · 5 answers · asked by Kaity A 3

its simple

2006-07-18 11:08:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Something Positive***
Priest: What's your problem, son?
Man: I'm so depressed, Father. My son is an addict, my daughter is a prostitute and my wife is a gambler.
Priest: Tsk! Tsk! Disastrous! Is there anything positive in your life, son?
Man: Yes, Father... my AIDS test...
Sex Call****
A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He answered: "Depends.. if I can find a phone...

What's the difference between ACCIDENT, CALAMITY and DISASTER?
When your girlfriend gets pregnant - ACCIDENT
When you live with her - CALAMITY
When your wife finds out - DISASTER

CONFIDENCE*****
.....is when you are caught by your wife with another woman in bed and you can readily stand up and say, "DON'T WORRY HONEY, YOU'RE NEXT!"

2006-07-18 11:01:22 · 9 answers · asked by Art_a_diba 1

2006-07-18 10:31:41 · 15 answers · asked by theonlyrallysgirl 1

My mom used to call me this all the time.

2006-07-18 10:31:08 · 3 answers · asked by Sheriff Liz 3

2006-07-18 10:19:37 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-18 10:14:17 · 3 answers · asked by mistyc 1

HINT: 5 letter name and married with 2 kids!

2006-07-18 10:04:13 · 12 answers · asked by tweetie88 2

2006-07-18 10:03:02 · 15 answers · asked by tweetie88 2

2006-07-18 10:01:23 · 14 answers · asked by dishwasher67 6

Read this out loud. This is a riddle

Jack likes Jen.
Willie likes Wren.
Max likes Mallory.

Mallory likes Max.
Jan likes Jack.
Wren likes Willie.

How does Jen feel about Jack?

In love?
Jealous?
Hatred?

2006-07-18 10:00:24 · 18 answers · asked by Nobody 3

???

2006-07-18 09:52:52 · 19 answers · asked by Loriann lowe 1

2006-07-18 09:52:33 · 7 answers · asked by Sheriff Liz 3

I will award the person who guesses the right answer first with 10 points. If no one gets it in 24 hours, I will choose to let the community vote after posting the answer.

2006-07-18 09:27:28 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Im looking for a really funny image to put as my msn display picture but i cant find any...i have some but i want others - can anyone help?
*nothing too explicit*

2006-07-18 09:25:59 · 11 answers · asked by Miss Terious 3