Jokes & Riddles - June 2006

tell me something and who ever makes me laugh the most gets 10 points

2006-06-28 19:00:32 · 12 answers · asked by shorty 2

He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my a**with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my rear?"

She said "no, I'm your son?s math teacher."

2006-06-28 18:59:52 · 8 answers · asked by joegossum 4

Three women were about to be executed. One was a
brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.

The guard brought the first woman, the brunette,
forward and the executioner asked if she had any
last requests. She said no and the executioner
shouted...Ready...Aim...!! and suddenly the
brunette yelled, "Earthquake!"

Everyone was startled and looked around. She
escaped. So they brought up the redhead and asked
if she had any last requests. She said no, and the
executioner shouted...Ready...Aim...!! and
suddenly the redhead yelled....."Tornado!"

Everyone was startled and looked around. She
escaped. Well, by now, the blonde had it all
figured out. They brought her forward and the
executioner asked if she had any last requests.
She said no and the executioner shouted...
Ready...Aim...!! and the blonde yelled,"Fire!"

2006-06-28 18:50:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

If not, explain!

2006-06-28 18:49:23 · 13 answers · asked by Texas Cowboy 7

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down.

2006-06-28 18:43:58 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are four apples in a basket, and there are four girls . Every girl takes an apple, yet one apple remains in the basket? How is this possible?

2006-06-28 18:42:03 · 9 answers · asked by joegossum 4

A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there.
"Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

2006-06-28 18:35:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-28 18:33:31 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

TEN ponits if you can tell me which character on the simpsons said this and the circumstances why he said it. :)

2006-06-28 18:24:11 · 11 answers · asked by feeshbulb 2

2006-06-28 18:12:56 · 4 answers · asked by hkwhkw n 1

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2006-06-28 17:58:02 · 9 answers · asked by ♥Gilmore♥ 5

http://www.funpages.com/owngrandpa/

2006-06-28 17:55:49 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

a lady read a book,turned the light out and went to sleep.
in the morning,when she saw in the newspaper that a ship had
sunk drowning all on board,she committed suicide. WHY ?

2006-06-28 17:45:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-28 17:42:59 · 6 answers · asked by What you did....Why?....Why?.... 2

2006-06-28 17:38:53 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

2006-06-28 17:27:53 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Gilmore♥ 5

there is 2 identical pictures of 2 ships side by side and youre supposed to find the differences between the pictures but then a demon pops up and screams and scares you ?

10 points to anyone who can track this thing down!

2006-06-28 17:20:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry about the part 1, where am i??? Oh, the pancake throw down the river... Ya... Pancake was thrown down into the river. At the same time, Burger felt that he has been too much of a bully. So he felt regreted abot the poor pancake so he jump into the river but shortly later he was knoke out. what happen? heheeheh... For those who are lost look at my previous posts... :)

2006-06-28 17:19:12 · 6 answers · asked by mp3juz4u 1

Ah Beng and Ah Seng are very good buddy, so they do things together and joke together. One day, they 2 fall in love with the same girl. Not long after, they both hated one another, find faults and troubles about the other, eventually they end up fighting one another. few months later, ah seng get very sad thinking about his good buddy he used to have. So Ah Seng when to kallang river, filling up bottles and bottles of empty bottles with his notes on his regret about losing a friend call Ah Beng and hope one of the bottle will reach Ah Beng eventually. Meanwhile, Ah Beng is fishing happily with is friend at Singapore River. Suddenly, something caught his bite and he pull with all his force! Then suddenly something pop up, what's that? stay tune

2006-06-28 17:14:43 · 6 answers · asked by mp3juz4u 1

2006-06-28 17:13:24 · 8 answers · asked by ali 2

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

2006-06-28 17:11:49 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Its creamy its white..some people swollow it some people just spit it out...what is it?

2006-06-28 17:06:52 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his Mother-in-law a large plot at an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.

She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing........."Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year...."

2006-06-28 17:02:59 · 16 answers · asked by snuggels102 6

The seven dwarves were in town for a big weekend. They all meet back up after a fairly wild time and tell each other their stories. Dopey goes last and what he tells them shocks them.

So to verify his story, the dwarves head off to the nearest convent. They knock on the door and a nun comes out. Doc says, "Excuse me, but do you have any dwarf nuns here?"
"No", says the nun, "But there are two other convents in town, you could ask them".

So the dwarves go to the next convent. They knock on the door and a nun comes out. Doc says, "Excuse me, but do you have any dwarf nuns here?"
"No", says the nun, "But there is one other convent in town, you could ask them".

By this time Dopey is looking a bit sick.

They knock on the door of the last convent and a nun comes out. Doc says, "Excuse me, but do you have any dwarf nuns here?"
"No", says the nun.

All the dwarves errupt in laughter. The nun asks "What's so funny?"

"Dopey f***ed a penguin, Dopey f***ed a penguin!"

2006-06-28 16:56:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you make a 9 day camel into a 10 day camel?...............



A camel can drink enough water for 9 days.....To get that extra day
go to the rear with two bricks and hold one on each side of his goadnads..........and just as he is swiggen up that last sip for nine day............clap the bricks together...............wala you have a 10 day camel.

2006-06-28 16:55:35 · 1 answers · asked by snuggels102 6

Two convicts are locked in a cell. There is an unbarred window high up in the cell. No matter if they stand on the bed or one on top of the other they can't reach the window to escape. They then decide to tunnel out. However, they give up with the tunneling because it will take too long. Finally one of the convicts figures out how to escape from the cell. What is his plan?


next

The following sentence is false. The preceding sentence is true. Are these sentences true or false?


this question is literally the hole question and you have to think outside the box. ready set GOOOOOO!

2006-06-28 16:55:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 men sit on the porch. Man A sees a man on a horse. Then Man A asked Man B who the man on the horse was. Man B repiles "brothers and sisters have I none, but that man's father is my father's son" Who's the man on the horse? (I will give credit to the first correct answer. It may not be on that day either)

2006-06-28 16:53:31 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

My God...What is happening to me...i'm laying on my bed what is happing to me...its geting dark..why is it geting dark...its keep geting dark what is wrong with me...its geting dark....now its dark..why is it so dark.I can't see a thing...now i see the magical place its beautiful!

2006-06-28 16:53:31 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A good example of suspicious behavior is a blonde doing push-ups in a cucumber field.

Studies show women taking oral contraceptives have increased chances of getting headaches. So that's how those pills work. The woman gets a headache, and that means no sex. - Jim Barach

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-06-28 16:45:57 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I may be high
I'm not real low
Sometimes fast
Sometimes slow
You can't reach me
But you can see me

What am I?

2006-06-28 16:45:45 · 25 answers · asked by mikamilk_dud 2