Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

"But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

"One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me,"

"Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school,"

"Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"

"One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school."

2007-12-13 04:19:45 · 7 answers · asked by Nasren7585 5

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.

"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"

"The Red Sox."

"Why's that?"

"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."

"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"

"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

2007-12-13 04:17:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

."Angry and hungry are two of them. There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day.

2007-12-13 04:06:36 · 8 answers · asked by rikku069 3

because they go deep in the bush, they always shoot twice and they eat what they shoot

2007-12-13 04:02:07 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit ****. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like ****.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.''

2007-12-13 03:59:49 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off.

"What's so funny?" they asked him.

"It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbor's house blew up."

2007-12-13 03:58:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-13 03:53:26 · 14 answers · asked by Maha 1

there was once a litttle buy named josh. he didn't know what a purple flower was.
so one day he asked his teacher, "what's a purple flower?" the teacher said she didn't know so she sent him to the principals office.
josh asked the principal, "what's a purple flower?" the principal didn't know so he sent josh home.
when he got home, josh asked his mother, "what's a purple flower?" his mother didn't know so she sent him to his room.
when josh's dad got home, he asked his dad, "what's a purple flower?" his dad had no clue and threw him out of the house.
as josh was walking down the streat, he saw a homeless person. josh went up to him and asked, "what's a purple flower?" he didn't know so he sent josh across the street to the candy shop.

well josh ended up dying because he got hit by a car.

what was the lesson in the riddle?

2007-12-13 03:21:40 · 16 answers · asked by count olaf 4

One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room
to
check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser
and
dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little
wink
as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to
check
on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over
the
dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled,
"Johnny,
what the hell are you doing?!" Little Johnny replied, "It's not so
funny
when its your mom is it?!"

2007-12-13 03:14:32 · 23 answers · asked by Southern Comfort 6

2007-12-13 02:46:58 · 6 answers · asked by ruhi d 1

This is really cute. Thought I would pass it along and share a smile with you.

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco . The pastor
of the church was looking over the crèche when he noticed that the baby
Jesus was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw a
little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the
little infant Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, 'Well, where did you get your
passenger, my fine friend?'

The little boy replied, 'I got Him at church.'

'And why did you take Him?'

The boy explained, 'Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the
little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for
Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it.'

An Early MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!

STAR AND PASSI IT ALONG TO YOUR FRIENDS SO THAT THEY CAN SMILE, TOO!

sANDY :o)

2007-12-13 01:56:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A small 1 SEATER plane crashed into a cemetery. Police have recovered 102 bodies so far and will continue to dig throughout the night.

2007-12-13 01:56:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield ....




My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time
an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home. 'I went
over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate my self now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you
put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off .

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'
He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had
anything to play with.

2007-12-13 01:52:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Miscommunication


A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, 'What are the grounds for your divorce?'

She replied, 'About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.'

'No,' he said, 'I mean what is the foundation of this case?'

'It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,' she responded.

'I mean,' he continued, 'What are your relations like?'

'I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.'

He said, 'Do you have a real grudge?'

'No,' she replied, 'We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.'

'Please,' he tried again, 'is there any infidelity in your marriage?'

'Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.'

'Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?'

'Yes,' she responded, 'about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.'

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, 'Lady, why do you want a divorce?'

'Oh, I don't want a divorce,' she replied. 'I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!'

2007-12-13 00:56:16 · 14 answers · asked by suresh k 6

There was a picture that went around the office some years ago of bird (herron?, stork?) trying to swallow a frog (I think it was a frog). It was very funny. I'd like to get a copy of that if anyone has it. Thanks!

2007-12-13 00:34:16 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If
you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill
you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was
astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once
again the voice shouted, 'Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a
car will run over you, and you will die.' The man did as he was
instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?' the man asked 'And where the hell were you when I got
married?'

2007-12-13 00:29:49 · 11 answers · asked by suresh k 6

Two buddies were out one Saturday, walking their dogs. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer let him in.

His buddy with the Chihuahua put on his pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The man exclaimed, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

2007-12-13 00:13:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage." "No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a brain." "Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?" Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I've heard it's true," says the Wizard. "Consider it done." Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing
there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?" "Is Dorothy around?"

2007-12-13 00:03:36 · 2 answers · asked by Viva Life 2

Why di the cicken cross the road?

2007-12-12 23:56:35 · 16 answers · asked by coolbeans1998 3

What is the best fruit to put up your bum?

2007-12-12 23:37:50 · 5 answers · asked by Dani 3

Give me a website or the speech itself...

2007-12-12 23:36:34 · 2 answers · asked by ANSHUL 1

2007-12-12 23:17:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Before you go out getting sloppy drunk and start phoning every friend, family, relative, or random person you can come across - there are a few rules you must know. Etiquette is very important, especially when drunk dialing.
1. Only drunk dial when you’re drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.
2. It’s okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.
3. If you’re going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. “Mom I’m in McDonald’s and they’re playing our song. I love you.”
4. Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn’t want to hear raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to get bent over?
5. Voicemails are always better. This way your friends can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, or even weeks to come.
6. Drunk texting is OK, but only if you’re prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you sober up.
7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they ever had, and everything they know they learned from you. This way you can all sleep well at night.
8. You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain that I would still love me too!
9. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
10. It’s always a good idea to sing on someone’s answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
11. Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted, or dirty and sex crazed… Never angry.
12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They’re usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that “you have a problem”.
13. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
14. Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is a bad thing which usually leads to angry dialing.
15. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend’s. It’s karma.

2007-12-12 23:10:46 · 9 answers · asked by Jake5282 3

Very late one night a policeman spotted a lad and a girl sitting in a parked car. The lad was reading and the girl was knitting.
‘Excuse me, sir, can you tell me what you’re doing ? asked the copper.
‘Well, I’m reading, officer,’ replies the man.
‘I see, and what about you, miss, what are you doing,’
‘I’m knitting,’ said the girl.
‘I see,’ replied the policeman, ‘and can I ask exactly how old you are, madam?
‘Well,’ she said glancing at her watch, ‘In 15 minutes I shall be 16.’

2007-12-12 22:24:52 · 22 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "Do you want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask that?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

2007-12-12 22:12:26 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

i m born to many fathers
but i have no mother.
i m not known after my fathers,
my fathers are known after me!
who m I?

2007-12-12 20:26:33 · 14 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

ok so this teacher is asking these kindergartens to use the word "defintly" in a sentence. The first student raises her hands and says " They sky is defintly blue" the teacher tells her she is correct. The next student raises her hand and says " The grass is defintly green" The teacher tells her she is correct........now little Tommy was sitting in the back with a very uncomfortable look upon his face. The teacher asks him if he is okay...He replies " Are farts lumpy?" The teacher says no.....



So Tommy says back with a big grin..." Then I defintly **** my pants"

HAHAHAHA...i know that was funny

2007-12-12 20:08:45 · 8 answers · asked by Kristina S 1

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,
carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak
with the president of the bank to open a savings account
because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally
ushered her into the president's office. The bank president
then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$5,165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag
onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're
carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $525,000
that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can
never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $525,000 that my balls
are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a
lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow
at 10:00 am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly
checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely
no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She
introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet.

"$525,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady
asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The
president complied. The little old lady peered closely at
his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$525,000 is a lot of
money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging
his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady,
"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $5,100,000 that at
10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's
balls in my hand."

2007-12-12 18:52:08 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.
Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

2007-12-12 17:36:20 · 8 answers · asked by Pd 6

We were ready to go out for a Party. We turned on night light, answering machine, covered pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat to b in house bcoz of the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi,I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night and explains to him that, He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to mother.
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. Sorry I took so long, I said, as we drove away. That stupid bit*h was hiding under the bed. I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket as she was scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard'

THE CAB DRIVER HIT A PARKED CAR.

2007-12-12 17:34:05 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6