Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

2007-12-14 05:21:19 · 10 answers · asked by ~ME~ 1

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

2007-12-14 05:18:54 · 12 answers · asked by ~ME~ 1

The Old Sailor

Ray, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at i t as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well Ray, you old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "Y ou're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back

2007-12-14 05:16:32 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ***.

2007-12-14 05:09:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you know 50 Cent's half brother's name?
25 Cent.
Q: Did you hear about that car 50 Cent sent to his mechanic?
A: The engine was shot...just like everything else.
Q: What did Tony yayo say when 50 Cent got a new sweater?
A:G-U-NIT
Q: Why couldn't G-Unit get on the bus?
A: Because they didn't have 50
Q: Why did 50 Cent turn off the TV?
A: The Game was on
Q: Why is 50 Cent a cat?
A: He has 9 lives (...He was shot nine times)
Rapper 50 Cent said in the latest issue of �"GQ” magazine his next goal is to market his own line of condoms.
Is that a good idea? What would make you feel more secure than a 50 Cent condom…?

What did the record producer say about 50 cent?
'Why am I producing a no talent, incompetent, ignorant, African-American such as yourself?'
What is 50 Cent's real name ?
Arthur Dollar
....(best said in a London accent: Arfur Dollar).

What is 50 cent called when he's in Canada?
58 cent

2007-12-14 04:48:32 · 10 answers · asked by lala girl 4

The body of a woman is found in bed. There are no sgins of violence and no marks of any kind on her body. The only evidence is a pair of scissors lying next to her. How did she die?

2007-12-14 04:48:08 · 18 answers · asked by skittlesjunkie93 3

An elderly blonde lived on a small farm in Canada,

just yards away from the North Dakota border.

Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute

between the United States and Canada for years.

The now widowed blonde, lived on the farm with

her son and three grandchildren.



One day, her son came into her room holding a

letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The

government has come to an agreement with the

people in Washington. They've decided that our

land is really part of the United States. We have

the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement.

What do you think?"



"What do I think?" his blonde mother said. "Sign it!

Call them right now and tell them we accept!

I don't think I could stand another one of those

Canadian winters!"

2007-12-14 04:13:55 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

It's not what you say it's the way that you say it............

To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words...... these are genuine clips from council complaint letters.


1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.


2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.


3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.


4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.


5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly,when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.


6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.


7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off


8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?


9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.


10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.


11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.


12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.


13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.


14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.


15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.


16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.


17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.


18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.


19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.


20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.


21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.


22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.


23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2

2007-12-14 04:03:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

By the way i don`t know that`s why i`m asking.

2007-12-14 04:01:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

2007-12-14 03:42:57 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "**** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

2007-12-14 03:38:01 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

hey lets see who can figure this riddle out
just for fun

> A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN!
>
> This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in
the
> English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the
other
> is
> hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it
> stands
> for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very
> carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it?
> _______gry?

2007-12-14 03:17:37 · 17 answers · asked by Wayne S 1

i don't like going to the hospital, so does that mean all i have to do is eat apples and my doc will disappear? yeah i can do that!

2007-12-14 03:00:19 · 14 answers · asked by mgail123 1

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'

Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?' 'No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.' So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood , knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!'

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. 'No, no, you just name anyone else,' Dave says.

'President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts. 'Yup,' Dave say's, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington .' At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, 'Dave, what a great surprise, I was just heading to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in first and let's and catch up.'

The boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

'The Pope,' the boss replies. 'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.' So off they fly to Rome . Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican 's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican . Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony and waves, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, 'What happened boss?'

His boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?'

2007-12-14 02:52:37 · 15 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk

2007-12-14 02:38:33 · 12 answers · asked by catLover 2

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES THAT REALLY WORK

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water
down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does,
use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

2007-12-14 02:24:17 · 14 answers · asked by drdennie2 3

The Methodist Church,& The Catholic Church.Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day,The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.After much prayer & consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there & they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the bapistry.The deacons met & decided to put a cover on the bapistry & drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow & there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together & decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So they humanly trapped the squirrels,& set them free a few miles outside of town.Three days later,the squirrels were back.But-The Catholic Church came up with the best & most effective solution.They baptized the squirrels & registered them as members of the church.Now they only see them on Christmas & Easter.

2007-12-14 02:16:06 · 6 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove , I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... What happened last night?' 'Well Dad, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

2007-12-14 01:58:16 · 12 answers · asked by inhis_image 3

2007-12-14 01:20:05 · 7 answers · asked by doublewidemama 6

I feeling sad today can you cheer me up by telling me a joke...

2007-12-14 01:14:36 · 4 answers · asked by *BlueWolf* 1

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.

"Nope."

"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.

"Nope."

"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.

"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

2007-12-14 01:09:11 · 15 answers · asked by yesway_noway 2

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a *******".

2007-12-13 23:06:34 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

2007-12-13 22:40:07 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Z I ' P L O C K


"Thank you, thank you very much, we'll be here till Thursday."

2007-12-13 21:45:17 · 6 answers · asked by Rick A 6

Bonjour Monsieur, you just drove straight through a STOP sign. I have to write you a ticket. But as today I am in a good mood, I will offer you a chance to get off.


The motorist:
Ah, really? What must I do?


The Gendarme :
I will ask you two questions...If you answer any one correctly, I will forget about your ticket!


The motorist :
OK!


The Gendarme :
Here's the first one: What has an engine, four wheels and a steering wheel?

Motorist :
A car!


The Gendarme :
Yes... but a Toyota, a Volvo, a Mercedes?.. Sorry, I can't consider your response as correct.
So I will ask you a second question... Now concentrate! What has an engine, just two wheels, and has handlebars?


Motorist :
A motorcycle!


The Gendarme :
Yes... but a Suzuki, a Honda, a Kawasaki?.. Terribly sorry, but I must now write you a ticket.

The Gendarme, satisfied, gives him his ticket.


As he is about to leave, the motorist asks in an ironic tone:
Can I also ask you a question?

The Gendarme:
But of course!


The motorist:
What paces up and down the footpath in a leather mini-skirt with a handbag slung over her shoulder and is chewing gum?


The Gendarme:
Why, a hooker!


The motorist:
Yes... but your sister, your mother, your aunt?

2007-12-13 19:49:47 · 9 answers · asked by coolfluke 3

2007-12-13 19:24:09 · 20 answers · asked by foetal breath 1

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note
asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons.
I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I
can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs.
I can splash it on my eyes."

2007-12-13 19:14:05 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A middle-aged woman is at home, merrily jumping up and down on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband arrives home from work, walks in and is astounded at what he sees.
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? he shouts. "What the hell's the matter with you?"
"I just came from the doctor," replies the wife. "He says I have the breasts of an 18year old!"
"Oh really," says her husband, "and what did the old coot say about your 40year old a*se?"
"Strangely enough," replies the wife, "your name never came up....."

2007-12-13 18:37:57 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women were sitting talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says, "My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and chocolate before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

2007-12-13 18:36:47 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a class,a new teacher came.As was the formality,first,she took attendance by calling out the names.Then,she thought of checking the knowledge of students and asked the class."any one knows about anatomy?"
Nobody opened their mouth.One boy who always makes it a point to answer something and try to act smart could not resist the temptation to answer and so replied,"excuse me,Madam,we dont have any girl by that name in this class"

2007-12-13 17:45:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous