Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father is getting tired of it. So he decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, "Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests."



Two days before Christmas, Justin's father asks him what he wants for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."



On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, "What did Santa bring you this year?"



Justin replies, "I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can't find the son of a *****!"

2007-12-12 16:57:54 · 11 answers · asked by ? 6

This was one of the "intelligent" answers...
<<<>>>

So I am figuring that the world must be an Ice Cube that is only cold on the top and bottom...but has four sides that represent the seasons...
And the two time changes per year are some cosmic Cube turning a corner thing like growing pains...

Can you help me with my Big Bong theory???
That's the Big Bang theory for folks who "must be smokin' sumptin'!"
These is jokes so take it that way and answer from your funny bone...It's to the left of your typing hand...

2007-12-12 16:54:29 · 5 answers · asked by §♫♪‹(•¿•)›☼»-(¯`v´¯)-»\\ 6

. . . I would like to float just one more trial balloon:

If Sponge Bob reproduced, what would the offspring look like?

2007-12-12 16:47:41 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.

First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else." After awhile he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"

The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth.

2007-12-12 16:35:42 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

(Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.)

2007-12-12 16:30:50 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

INTERNET WOMAN: It's not easy to get access to her and you may get cut off a lot.

SERVER WOMAN: She's always busy when you need her. Sends you cryptic messages.

WINDOWS WOMAN: Everybody knows she has a lot of problems, but nobody can live without her.

AOL WOMAN: Nobody can stand her quirks and rules for more than half an hour. But she will try hard not to let you go away.

EXCEL WOMAN: They say she can do lots of things, but you only use her for the 4 basic operations.

WORD WOMAN: She always has a surprise problem for you and there isn't anybody who really understands her.

D.O.S. WOMAN: There was a time when everybody needed her, but nobody wants her now. She can do a lot of interesting tricks, but nobody cares anymore.

BACKUP WOMAN: You think you have everything with her, but actually there is always something missing.

SCANDISK WOMAN: Deep inside she is only trying to help by trying to clean you up and change you, But actually nobody knows what she is really doing.

SCREENSAVER WOMAN: She is useless, but you have fun with her. She will frequently interrupt what you are doing if you don't set her straight.

PAINTBRUSH WOMAN: Easy to use, but nobody gets satisfied. She leaves you wanting more.

RAM WOMAN: She forgets everything as soon as she is unplugged.

HARD DISK WOMAN: She always remembers everything, and thinks she is always right even if her memory is corrrupted.

MOUSE WOMAN: She is useful only when she is pushed and dragged. Tends to get dirty and sluggish.

MULTIMEDIA WOMAN: She makes everything look nice. Active and a lot of fun.

MICROSOFT WOMAN: She wants to dominate every man she meets. She'll try to convince you she's the best for you. She schemes how to make you get in trouble with other women. She promises you that she'll do whatever you want if you throw your girl friends' telephone numbers away. Suddenly, she will be the only one in your life. There will come a time when you will need her approval before you can open the fridge or you can take your car keys.

PASSWORD WOMAN: You think you're the only one who knows her, but actually everybody knows her.

MP3 WOMAN: Everybody wants to have her. She is so easy to get.

USER WOMAN: She does nothing right and she is always demanding more than she really needs.

ANALYST-PROGRAMMER WOMAN: She is always cooking, she is always mending, fixing you and tweaking you to be better and have fewer errors. Very controlling type.

CPU WOMAN: She has a great look outside, but she is empty inside. Takes a lot of time to get her the way you want her, and then she may suddenly freeze up and not communicate with you.

MONITOR WOMAN: She makes you see life in colourful ways. Passes many interesting things on to you.

CD-ROM WOMAN: She can do a lot of tricks if you take the time to communicate with her carefully. The younger ones are pretty fast and easy.

CONSULTANT WOMAN: She tells you everything except what you want to know. She is mostly talk and little action.

E-MAIL WOMAN: When she talks, at least 8 things out of 10 are strange, meaningless or spam.

VIRUS WOMAN: (ALSO KNOWN AS WIFE) When you least expect, she gets into your life, she stays and takes control of all your belongings. If you try to get rid of her, you lose many resources. But, if you don't, then you may lose everything.

YAHOO WOMAN: Lives by her own rules. Just when you thing you have a great relationship, she will cut you off cold without warning or explanation.

DEFRAG WOMAN: She like to come in and clean up your house, and your dishes, change your litterbox and generally clean up your act. She does not talk much so let her do her work.

GROUP MODERATOR WOMEN: a very strange breed, all have their own rules about the way to live and do things, some are very quirky and arbitrary and even nasty if you don't behave as they think you should. Some are great fun to be with. No general rules about these.

MAC WOMAN: They have a superior attitude, which may or may not be justified. A minority group, they tend to seek other like minded people.

2007-12-12 16:27:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-12 16:01:47 · 12 answers · asked by whatwillittake 2

First experience horse riding

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager run

2007-12-12 14:36:36 · 2 answers · asked by Puppet Dictator 5

im making a little book for my friend for christmas about joke things. and im making a page about ghost riding. anyone can answer just like random things like "dont read a book while ghost riding" things that are obvious but funny at the same time.

2007-12-12 13:50:41 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. You can get chocolate.

2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good

2007-12-12 13:49:27 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Aside from the Year2000 effort we're all aware of, the year 2000 also brings out the Armageddon enthusiasts. We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. The following numbers are also significant...

665.9 - Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666 - Number of the Millibeast

/ 666 - The Beast common denominator

666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010 - Binary number of the Beast

6, uh... what was that number again? --- Number of the Blonde Beast

1-666 - Area code of the Beast

00666 - Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.

$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast

$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast

Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast

Route 666 - Highway of the Beast

666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast

666(k) - Retirement plan of the Beast

666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of the Beast

6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at the Beast Bank of Hell, $666 minimum deposit.

Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast

Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast

i66686 - CPU of the Beast

666i - BMW of the Beast

DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

668 The neighbor of the Beast

2007-12-12 13:43:47 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

The questions are not meant to be sequential:
1. Why can't Mick Jagger be together with Kate Moss?
Answer: Because a Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

2. Why can't Kate Moss marry Mick Jagger?
Answer: Because a Moss gathers no Rolling Stone.

3. Why can't Kate Moss join the Rolling Stones?
Answer: Because the Rolling Stones gather no moss.

2007-12-12 13:43:10 · 2 answers · asked by Rommel 3

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "You gotta relax. You're two tents."

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

2007-12-12 13:38:19 · 15 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

It’s always darkest before dawn. So, if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you’re unique-just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
The things that come to those who wait are what’s left behind by those who got there first.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
If at first you don’t succeed, sky diving is not for you.
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Diplomacy is the art of saying “good doggie” while looking for a bigger stick.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away, and you have their shoes.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Always try to make other people happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it.
The older you get, the better you get, (unless you’re a banana)

When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

2007-12-12 13:35:20 · 18 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

2007-12-12 13:32:47 · 15 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A man is in a store at 3 pm, where he finds an attractive clerk who works there. They talk for a while, and soon the man asks her out. They plan 8:00 at night at the train station where they can go on a trip. He goes out at 5 pm to a party, where he gets very drunk. He goes home at 5:30 where he goes to the bathroom and gets sick. He can't stop throwing up or pooping at least for a while. He is determined not to miss the date, so at 8pm, he gets up, dresses himself nicely, throws up one last time, and drives the the train station. There he meets the lady, and they go on the train. After a while, he feels a fart coming up. He thinks it is just a fart, so he decides to let it out just a tiny bit, in case the girl notices. He squeezes, and a little toot comes out. He smiles, and lets out the whole thing. To his dismay, it came with a little surprise. Instead of just the fart, diarrhea came out with it. They stop at Old Navy, where he tells the girl to wait here. He runs, grabs a pair of

2007-12-12 12:54:56 · 7 answers · asked by Tiff-Tiff 2

I once had a friend named Brandon.

Brandon had a girlfriend named Kyla.

Kyla was the sort of blonde who gave blondes a bad name with every aspect of the stereotypes with which they are afflicted.

This is a brief tale that Brandon relayed to me:

One day, in the back room of the band room, she tried to give Brandon a *******.

But she literally tried to give him a ********.

Blowing. On his penis.

And wondering why he wasn't enjoying it.

2007-12-12 12:20:33 · 5 answers · asked by Shan Patridge 2

a little girl came skipping home from school one day. "mommy, mommy" she yelled. "we were counting today and the other kids could only count to 4, but i could count all the way to 10. see 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10
"very good" says her mother

"is it because im blonde" asked the daughter.
"yes, its because your blonde" said the mother

the next day, the little girl came skipping home again. "mommy, mommy, we were saying the alphabet today and the other kids could only get to D, but i said it to G. see, A,B,C,D,E,F,G"
"very good" said the mother

"is it because im blonde" asked the daughter.
"yes" said the mother. "its because your blonde."

the next day, the little came skipping home again. "mommy, mommy we were in gym class today and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but i have these."
she lifted her shirt to reveal a pair of 36C's

"very good "said her embarrased mother.

"is it because im blonde?" asked the daughter. no, dear, its because your 24.

2007-12-12 12:10:25 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-12 11:55:37 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

Scientists have discovered that most women will, at some time in their life contain intelligent DNA.
Unfortunately over 95% of them will spit it out!!

2007-12-12 11:36:43 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

teacher: there are 3 crows on a fence. 1 gets shot how many are left?

student: none

teacher: maybe u misheard me, i said there are 3 crows and 1 gets shot

student: i know,but i one gets shot the other ones will fly away

teacher: thats not right, but i like the way you think

student: heres one for u, 3 woman are in an ice cream parlor, one is licking her icecream, one is biting her ice cream and one is sucking her icecream

student: so here is the question which one is married

teacher: the one sucking her ice cream

student: actually the one with the wedding ring but i like the way u think

is this funny i got it in an email

2007-12-12 11:36:36 · 8 answers · asked by anon 2

A mother called the doctor :* doctor, doctor, please, you have to come quickly, my little son just swallowed a condom."
Two minutes later the mother called again :" doctor, doctor, you don't have to come anymore. Everything is all right. My husband just found another one."

2007-12-12 11:33:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-12 11:13:58 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives. The Canadian says, "You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer! The Scotsman says, "That's nothing! My wife went out last week and bought a brand new $30,000 car, and she can't even drive! Not to be out done, the Aussie says, "My wife is a lot dumber than that! Last week she left for a two week holiday
in Paris and I saw her pack 20 condoms! Hell, she doesn't even have a penis!"

2007-12-12 10:55:33 · 4 answers · asked by JC 3

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under their ***
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

2007-12-12 10:52:39 · 20 answers · asked by chris w. 7

An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they
decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was
wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about
the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple
out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to
start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The
couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You
had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."

She replied, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll
forget that so you'd better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down!
I can remember that." He then went fuming into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a
plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

2007-12-12 10:52:01 · 6 answers · asked by JC 3

He tractor down!



lol

2007-12-12 10:37:46 · 4 answers · asked by Cap10kirk 3

which part of the body goes to heaven first?

The pupil replies'feet,Miss.I've seen my mum with hers in the air,shouting 'oh God,I'm coming!'

2007-12-12 10:33:56 · 9 answers · asked by the nutz 1

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in. She turned and said, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'

2007-12-12 10:33:16 · 13 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
and MOST important....
4. It is important that these three women never meet

2007-12-12 10:30:18 · 9 answers · asked by Paula 3