Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

cuz.....................it DIED!!..........jajajajajjaajajajaajjaajajajajaja

2007-12-12 10:23:39 · 48 answers · asked by Jonathan B. 1

A small white guy goes to a tattoo-shops and asks the owner to make him a tattoo on his penis. He wants there the name of his girlfriend WENDY.
four weeks later the white guy is in the restaurant with his girlfriend as he has to go to the restroom.
he stands by the pissoir when this huge black guy came standing next to him to do the same thing.
The white guy took a glance of the black guy and was excited:" hej dude, we have the same tattoo. Look on mine is also the same tattoo WENDY. So, do you also have a girlfriend with the name Wendy?"
The black guy looked puzzled and answered :" Oh no, I made the tattoo when mine was hard, it says " WELCOME TO YAMAIKA AND HAVE A NICE DAY....."

2007-12-12 10:20:17 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent's house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.

"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"

2007-12-12 10:17:00 · 20 answers · asked by Cathleen 2

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for an unusual gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much of a singer. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet to her and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely amazed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. With his curiosity aroused, the husband relocates the lighter as his wife suggested and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

2007-12-12 10:14:37 · 22 answers · asked by Cathleen 2

"Are you coming to the office Christmas party tomorrow night?" the young man asked his colleague.

"Well" replied his friend "I'd like to but I'm afraid I've got to stay home. My pet will become very anxious if I stay out late."

"Pet?" replied the young man "I didn't know you'd got one. What is it?"

"A centipede."

"A centipede? That's unusual" But that's no problem. Why don't you bring him with you?"

The colleague agreed and the young man said he would collect him from his home.

On the following evening the young man knocked his colleagues door and found him pacing up and down the hallway in an impatient manner.

"Ready for the Christmas party?"

"No I'm not" he replied.

"What's the problem?"

"I've been dressed for absolutely ages and Percy's still not ready".

"Percy?"

"Yes, my centipede. For goodness sake Percy, hurry up. We'll be late for the party at this rate."

Percy did not respond.

After a few minutes the colleague called again, but this time he was extremely cross.

"We're fed up with waiting for you. If you don't come right away we're going without you."

"Oh shut up!" an extremely irritated centipede replied. "You know I always have trouble getting my boots on!"

2007-12-12 10:10:38 · 13 answers · asked by Cathleen 2

A man wandered into a doctor's consulting rooms and asked if could see the doctor. The receptionist was hesitant to let him in, especially as it was Christmas Eve and she was waiting to turn off the Christmas lights in the waiting room and go home; but he was very insistent. So the Doctor, having had completed all his consultations for the day and feeling in a 'good will to men' mood, agreed to see him.

The man entered in a rather aimless manner and after some hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.

"How can I help you?" said the doctor.

"Well, it's like this" said the man. "I keep thinking I'm a moth".

"A moth?"

"Yes" the man replied. "I'm convinced that I'm a moth".

"Well I'm very sorry, but you're in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist".

"That's what I've been thinking" replied the man .

"Well, as it happens, I know just the man". said the doctor "I'll give him a call and see if he can fix an appointment for you after the holiday."

The man agreed and the doctor made the appointment.

"Tell me" said the doctor "It must have been very apparent from the sign outside that I'm a general practitioner. So if you already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?"

"Well" the man said in a resigned voice "The door was open and the lights were on .....".

2007-12-12 10:07:51 · 17 answers · asked by Cathleen 2

boy : come on father let me drive your car, I am old enough.
father : maybe you are, but my car isn't."

2007-12-12 10:06:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service. 'Well' said the clergyman 'I guess there's no point in having a service today.' 'Well that's not how I see it. said the farmer. If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.'

2007-12-12 10:01:32 · 12 answers · asked by Cathleen 2

It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'

2007-12-12 10:00:02 · 21 answers · asked by Cathleen 2

It was the doctor's last patient consultation of Christmas Eve. A mother came in with her young daughter and asked if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms, including a significant increase in weight, sickness most mornings and a number of strange cravings.


He checked her out very carefully and eventually told the mother that her daughter was unquestionably pregnant. At which news she protested very strongly.

'Don't be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man'

The girl confirmed that this was true and added that she had never so much as kissed a man.

The doctor studied the girl very carefully, then quietly stood up, walked to the window and stared out of it.

Suspecting the worst the mother asked if there was something wrong.

"No, not really" replied the doctor. 'It might just be a coincidence, but the last time this happened a bright star appeared the East.'

2007-12-12 09:58:02 · 17 answers · asked by Cathleen 2

A man had bad cough attacks almost the whole day and also during the night. he had tried almost every tablet and drops, but the cough attacks stayed and gave him a real hard time.
Then he heard about a doctor who can help everybody and went to see him.
the doctor gave him an anti-diarrhoeal medicin and sent him home.
the next they the doctor asked the guy :" So do you still have your cough attacks?"
"Yes sir I do, but now I don't dare to cough anymore."

2007-12-12 09:53:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!

2007-12-12 09:17:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead in the top of a building. They couldn't get down because the blonde lost the key, so the brunette, who was fairly smart, called the fire department. then, these men called up to them. " OK ladies, we have a blanket to catch you! Just jump down one at the time, and we'll catch you!" a man called. "OK!" said the red head, and jumped. the men holding the blanket pulled it away as the redhead SPLAT onto the sidewalk. "Next girl!' the men said. 'No way!" said the brunette. "you're just gonna pull the blanket away!" " no we won't! we promise we won't do it again." the men said. "alright!" the brunette said, and jumped. as she was about to hit the blanket, the men pulled it away, and the brunette SPLAT onto the ground next to the redhead. "Alright young lady, now you!" the men said. " No way! I don't trust you guys! so i want you to put the blanker down, and back away." SO the men did, and the blonde jumped...

2007-12-12 09:10:00 · 12 answers · asked by JC 3

Is it because they don't know how?

2007-12-12 09:09:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man saw a sign in a clothing store which said "We sell everything!" The guy walked up to the clerk and asked her for some glass pants.
The woman replied, "Sorry sir we don't sell those."
The man argued that the sign stated that store sold everything.
The woman remarked that glass pants did not even exist.
The man went to his home, and came back to the store wearing a pair of glass pants.
The man said triumphantly, "See, I told you that they existed!"
The woman said, "At first I thought you were crazy.....but now I see you're nuts!"

2007-12-12 09:00:26 · 6 answers · asked by mobile auto repair (mr fix it) 7

MOLLY YOU ARE A PAIN CHEER DONT GO
Singer and song

clue,,, She is a big girl...... do they have these in English schools?

2007-12-12 08:55:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One

They hold the bulb up to the socket and wait while the world revolves around them.

Could I ask you to star it if you like it please? Thanks. Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week, thank you.

2007-12-12 08:55:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-12-12 08:48:59 · 53 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-12 08:01:29 · 2 answers · asked by Howard C 1

OK what is your favorite version or any other nursery rhyme

2007-12-12 07:52:50 · 23 answers · asked by donner 2

3 men are traveling and decide to stop at a hotel for the night. To save money they get one room to share. The man at the front desk names the price at $30. Each man pays $10 and they are shown to their room.
After a while the man at the front desk realizes he charged too much and goes back to give them a $5 refund. But how should he split the money 3 ways??? So he gives 1 dollar to each of the men and pockets $2.

Here's the tricky part... with the refund they got, each man now paid $9 each... 9x3 is $27, the door man kept $2, that makes $29... where's that other dollar???

There are ways to figure it to $30... but doing it this way is impossible!!!

2007-12-12 07:47:18 · 18 answers · asked by Thai 3

An old, poor and hungry man is fishing by the great lake. He spends all day trying to catch a fish but nothing comes up. Towards the end of the day, very irretated he says to himself " This is the last time i'm going to throw my cart in the water if nothing comes up am leaving!" As he says that he throws his cart and seconds later he pulls out a goldfish. The goldfish fearing for his life tells the poor man that he can make one of his wishes come true if he lets him go! so the old man tired and hungry takes out a map of the world says to the fish " I want world peace" the fish looks at the map and says if there is possibly another wish. so the old man thinks and takes out a picture of his 3 daoughters and says to the fish. " I want for the 3 of my daoughters to be married with rich husbands" the fish studies the picture carefully and says " let me see the map again? well try to work something out!!!"

2007-12-12 07:31:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home.

It read as follows:
"Dear Mary,I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.Love, John"

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles,cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her friends. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:"Dear John, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*ck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.Take Care, Mary"

2007-12-12 07:18:30 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is to separate your goods from the other clients.

2007-12-12 07:18:08 · 20 answers · asked by Janusz 1

Whats wrong here

AAA
BBB
CCC
DDD
EEE
FFF
GGG
HHH
III
JJJ
KKK
LLL
MMM
NNN
OOO
PPP
QQQ
RRR
SSS
TTT
UUU
VVV
WWW
XXX
YYY
ZZZ

2007-12-12 06:45:22 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Geoge W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of
his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President,
I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that
your brain has two sides: the left and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't
it? I thought everybody had two sides
to their brain." The doctor replied, "That's
true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual bacause
on the left side isn't anything right, while on the
right side there isn.t anything left."

2007-12-12 06:38:11 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

No, I'm NOT referring to my Questions.

2007-12-12 06:09:27 · 14 answers · asked by FRANsuFU 3

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!"

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take
the soup."

2007-12-12 06:06:56 · 8 answers · asked by Kat 5

2007-12-12 06:02:15 · 4 answers · asked by Chichiri 1

just make up something funny.. i dont really know the answer...hehe well odviously since im asking it... hehe

2007-12-12 05:48:57 · 7 answers · asked by D 4