Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

Born in a phone and died in a flood?

2006-07-23 10:03:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-23 10:00:00 · 8 answers · asked by Tuan V 2

A man was summoned to his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a milliondollars."
"That's the bad news?" laughed the man. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
The terrible news is...
"The picture is of you and your secretary!"

2006-07-23 09:57:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy walks into a clothing store. The boy is wearing a One-Of-A-Kind T-shirt. Nobody else has this shirt. However, the boy sees a person that looks exactly like him, wearing the same clothes, accessories, etc. The boy is an only child. How is this possible?

2006-07-23 09:56:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

1-What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
2-Why did Mary go out in the rain with her change purse open?

2006-07-23 09:55:16 · 11 answers · asked by catlover_3512 2

One day in kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,

"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous
Man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and
I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know
Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said " Jesus
Christ."

Marvin replied: "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!

2006-07-23 09:53:37 · 12 answers · asked by Lisa AZ 2

From Chris Rock:
I hate when women say "just because I dress sexy, doesn't mean I'm a whore." All Im saying is its confusing.
For instance if I go out, get navy blue pants and long sleeve button up, put on a badge, a gun, a night stip and some handcuffs, I can't get offended if someone mistakes me for a cop. Sure I'm not a cop, but I am wearing the uniform.
So ladies, if you're wearing 6 inch high heels, a skin tight barely there micro mini, and a top that takes almost no effort on my part to see what you got goin on, you could see how I might become confused. Sure, you're not a whore, but you are wearing the uniform. (not verbatim but close)

2006-07-23 09:44:09 · 6 answers · asked by peardietz 3

what are there two of in a week,
one of in a year,
none in a month, and none in a day?

2006-07-23 09:31:17 · 16 answers · asked by finkksta 3

A man was travelling down the high street at excessive speed.Obviously over the drink limit went through a red light, turned into a one way street the wrong way. He proceeded to mount a pavement ( kerbstone ) crashed into lampost and collided with a pedestrian. A Police Officer took out his notebook but decided against taking any action. Why did the Officer turn a blind eye ?

2006-07-23 09:21:22 · 18 answers · asked by postypaul 3

your face is so ugly that i had to turn my @ss away from it because i felt one crack in it was enough!

2006-07-23 09:21:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-23 08:59:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

im bored as a 2 by 4

2006-07-23 08:48:42 · 16 answers · asked by Trevaman 2

I really want to cut down some trees on my neighbours property, he will not acquiesce. I am a master of mind control and wonder if I should just manipulate him into complying with my desires.
Would this be out of line, it will really improve my view?

2006-07-23 08:48:21 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-23 08:36:37 · 20 answers · asked by MiKe 3

Do you believe in the yeti,bigfoot,locness monster,moth man and more?Ya' know!Missing links,mysterious?Ghost,spirits,demons,monsters and so on!And legends of great people and stories?Please answer if you relate!

2006-07-23 08:31:49 · 12 answers · asked by jkuraah 1

He met her at a party. She was so outstanding, many
guys chasing after
her, while he was so normal, nobody paid attention
to him.
At the end of the party, he invited her to have
coffee with him, she
was surprised but due to being polite, she promised.
They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was too nervous
to say anything,
she felt uncomfortable, and she thought to herself,
"Please, let me go
home..."
Suddenly he asked the waiter, "Would you please give
me some salt? I'd
like to put it in my coffee." Everybody stared at
him, so strange! His face turned red but still, he
put the salt in his
coffee and drank it.
She asked him curiously, "Why you have this hobby?"
He replied, "When
I was a little boy, I lived near the sea, I liked
playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the
sea, just like the
taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the
salty coffee, I
always think of my childhood, think of my hometown,
I miss my hometown
so much, I miss my parents who are still living
there." While saying
that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched.
That's his true feeling, from the bottom of his
heart. A man who can tell out his homesickness, he
must be a man who
loves home, cares about home, has responsibility of
home... Then she
also started to speak, spoke about her faraway
hometown, her
childhood, her family.
That was a really nice talk, also a beautiful
beginning of their
story. They continued to date. She found that
actually he was a man who meets all her demands; he
had tolerance, was
kind hearted, warm, careful.
He was such a good person but she almost missed him!
Thanks to his
salty coffee! Then the story was just like every
beautiful love story, the princess married to the
prince, and then
they were living the happy life... And, every time
she made coffee for
him, she put some salt in the coffee, as she knew
that's the way he
liked it.
After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter
which said, "My
dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life's
lie. This was the only lie I said to you---the salty
coffee. Remember
the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that
time, actually I
wanted some sugar, but I said salt. It was hard for
me to change so I
just went ahead. I never thought that could be the
start of our
communication! I tried to tell you the truth many
times in my life,
but I was
too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie
to you for
anything... Now I'm dying, I afraid of nothing so I
tell you the
truth, I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange
bad taste... But
I have had the salty coffee for my whole life! Since
I knew you, I
never feel sorry for anything I do for you. Having
you with me is my
biggest happiness for my whole life. If I can live
for the second
time, still want to know you and have you for my
whole life, even
though I
have to drink the salty coffee again."
Her tears made the letter totally wet. Someday,
someone asked her,
"What's the taste of salty coffee?" She replied,
"It's sweet."
Pass this to everyone because love is not to forget
but to forgive,
not to see but understand, not to hear but to
listen, not to let go

.....And they say guys are Liars;

2006-07-23 08:29:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

will someone give me some good blond jokes?? i've been craving them. plz no dirty mouth. my little bro want to read to!!:)

2006-07-23 08:19:48 · 5 answers · asked by disco_dog 2

I cannot think about any other problem. it seem to me that you have answered me everything. What should I do now?

2006-07-23 08:10:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

....beacuse it's killing me!

2006-07-23 08:07:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry, I just assumed you had a big nose and were cracking a smile.

2006-07-23 08:06:59 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

> >> The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making
> >> love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.
> >>
> >> "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this
to me
> >> - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving
you. I
want
> >> a
> >> divorce straight away!"
> >>
> >> And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv,
so at
> >> least I can tell you what happened."
> >>
> >> "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words
you'll
> >> say to me!"
> >>
> >> And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home and
> >> this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out
and
> >> defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I
> >> noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very
dirty. She
told
> >> me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I
brought
> >> her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last
night, the
ones
> >> you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.The
poor
> >> thing
> >> devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I
suggested
> >> a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes
were dirty
> >> and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed
clothes, I
> >> gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years,
but
don't
> >> use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the
underwear
> >> that
> >> was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I
don't have
> >> good
> >> taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas
that
> >> you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots
you
bought
> >> at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work
has a
> >> pair
> >> the same..."
> >>
> >> Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so
grateful for
my
> >> understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she
turned to me
> >> with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have
anything else
> >> that your wife doesn't use?"

2006-07-23 08:01:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man makes something that he does not need so he sells it. The other man who sells it for him does not need it and neither does the person who bought that item from him. Then the man who last had the item gives it to another person who finally uses it, but without even realizing it!

What could this elusive thing be?

2006-07-23 07:34:15 · 10 answers · asked by Ammy 6

A fifteenth floor window is open, and there are fifty-two bicycles laying next to the man. What happened?

2006-07-23 07:30:28 · 8 answers · asked by 2sweet 2

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His
boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can
you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the
boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can
practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How
much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."

2006-07-23 07:28:50 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-23 07:14:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-23 06:51:44 · 6 answers · asked by narayan s 1

2006-07-23 06:51:39 · 9 answers · asked by Crushgal 3

One day Mr Jones went to have a talk with the minister at
his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife
keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with
you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her
a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who
made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr.
Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the
leg with the pin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister
noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the
congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the
pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister,
smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time
the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his
sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as
signals to wake his wife again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the
minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she
bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one
more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ***!

2006-07-23 06:41:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-23 06:37:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm thinking pitbull. Suggestions.
Please don't say,"get some counselling", I am not allowed withing a hundred metres of the counsellor in my town so it is not an option. I figured a dog would do the trick.
Do you agree?

2006-07-23 06:32:41 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous