Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

the doctor tells her about a revolutionary new treatment that involves food being stuck up the bottom, instead of being eaten.
the doctor admits he's done it himself and lost two stone in a month.
the woman agrees to try it. a month later, the woman comes back, very happy and two stone lighter.
"right," the doctor says. "i'll give you a quick examination, but exuse me one moment."
to the womans amazement the doctor sits down and starts writhing all over the couch. "doctor!" cries the woman "are you ok?"
"i'll be with you in a minute," he pants.
"i'm just finishing off this toffee!"

2006-07-22 23:41:29 · 3 answers · asked by Kelly 5

my friend drew all over my face with a sharpie.... and i can't get it off... i guess i'll just have to wait until it comes off

but until then, anyone have any pranks that i can use to get back at my friend? Just remember... he used a sharpie on my face... all over... so something we can get even with

2006-07-22 22:40:36 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

a monkey is alone in island.
suddenly a fire takes place and monkey climb up on coconut tree but it is very difficult condition.a fire surrounds her and there is no chances of living monkey?
is there any possible way to save monkey

2006-07-22 22:31:11 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

im bored the kids are doing my head in please make me giggle again

2006-07-22 22:30:25 · 12 answers · asked by paulette7618 4

They like taking a gander.

2006-07-22 22:27:32 · 3 answers · asked by Gingerbread Man 3

now that I have your attention, please go to this website http://fromisraeltolebanon.info/ its wrong...help people stop it. if you feel differently, that is ok, you have a right to believe what you believe. Anyway, my question is: how do you feel, and did you sign the petition? Oh, and here is my joke: An Irish guy walked by a bar, and...HEY, it could happen! Whaddya think? There is also: A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack.

2006-07-22 22:10:10 · 7 answers · asked by Joga Bonito 4

2006-07-22 21:23:37 · 17 answers · asked by p3 2

this is kinda dirty but yes...it made me laugh...

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."


The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea,
Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

alright..this is IT! bye everyone! :)

2006-07-22 20:57:27 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

this is the last joke for now...

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk; he isn’t going to notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice.

Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."

The husband got out of bed,
and counted.
"One, two, three, and four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"


well thats all for today!!! bye everybody! :)

2006-07-22 20:48:40 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

It makes wanna lick something myself...

Hot damn..

2006-07-22 20:46:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am sending a fart in a jar in the mail to a friend of mine as a joke.

2006-07-22 20:45:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Naughty but still funny too...

The madam was experiencing hard times and began losing money. Finally, in an effort to save her house, she decided to replace her girls with inflatable dolls.

The first evening, two drunks stumbled in, paid their money, and repaired upstairs.
A half hour later they came down and went to the bar next door to
compare notes.
They sat there staring blearily at one another, and after a while the first drunk said, "I think mine was dead."
"Dead?" asked the second drunk? "How come you think she was dead?"

"Well," said the first drunk, "she didn't talk, she didn't move - she didn't do anything."

They sat a few more minutes, and then the second drunk said, "Well, I think mine was a witch."

"A witch? How come?" asked the first drunk.

"Well," he said, "when I leaned over to nibble her breast, she suddenly let out a long, loud fart and flew out the window."

2006-07-22 20:32:54 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a boy decides to get a harley. he didn't want the chrome to get rusted so he bought some Vaseline.

he fell in love with a woman and she invited him for dinner at her parent’s house. so he picked her up and before they went in
she told him that there is a family tradition. the first one to speak after dinner has to do the dishes.
so after dinner everyone sits in silence.

the boy had to do something so he reached over and kissed the woman.
that didn't work so he threw her on the table and had passionate sex.

since he saw that didn't work, he took her mother threw her on the table and had more passionate, wilder sex.
he saw that wasn't working.

suddenly, he heard thunder in the distance and thought about
the chrome. so he pulled out the vaseline.

the woman's father said, "alright, DAMN IT! i'll do the f***** DISHES!"

2006-07-22 20:20:13 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Good:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't nabbing any. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road in the other direction with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar trap. A $180.00 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $180.00. They responded with a mailed photo of handcuffs.

Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I BET YOU ARE GOING TO SELL ME A TICKET TO THE MOTORCYCLE COP'S BALL". He replied with "MOTORCYCLE COPS DON'T HAVE BALLS". There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

2006-07-22 20:19:24 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Looking stunned, he said, "What?"

♥

2006-07-22 20:18:45 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very
concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.
As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening
all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this
had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door
holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the
young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door
and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flow. We're going to the
show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their
way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty,
we're going to get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay
too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started
off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

2006-07-22 20:12:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-22 20:10:09 · 9 answers · asked by Brandy J 1

tell me what u think of this....

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction
of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their
habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come
from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice Gazonas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

2006-07-22 20:05:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-22 20:00:41 · 12 answers · asked by rohan k 1

2006-07-22 19:53:30 · 10 answers · asked by Sarah 1

2006-07-22 19:52:47 · 5 answers · asked by Sarah 1

- No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

- When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush
your hair.

- If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.

- Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

- You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

- Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

- Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

- Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

- Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

- School lunches stick to the wall.

- You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

- Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

- The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

2006-07-22 19:51:30 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

jigg bitc.h

2006-07-22 19:35:56 · 10 answers · asked by tinkersbelle40 1

2006-07-22 19:34:04 · 11 answers · asked by red_head_with_an_attitude 1

i can be in any language, any person, and i am loud. what am i?

2006-07-22 19:30:46 · 20 answers · asked by Christine 3

Last time we saw this riddle:

What is the longest sentence in English?
A: I do!

Hahahah... get it? I do(think marriage)! Lol. Ok... Time for today's riddle:

What do you need to open a door?

Have fun! :)

2006-07-22 19:29:28 · 11 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-07-22 19:27:26 · 13 answers · asked by czar 3

Ask ur friends two questions
tell em to answer fast in about 5 seconds they can only say yes or no ask them
Are u a stupid idiot (any words of ur choice)?
Then ask' does ur mom know ur a stupid idiot?"Even if they say yes or no they are still a stupid idiot!!!!
tell me the result!

2006-07-22 19:08:56 · 7 answers · asked by Dark angel 1

2006-07-22 19:07:21 · 5 answers · asked by BZRIDER 2

A whole bunch of people are found dead in a cabin on the side of a mountain. The cabin is raised above ground. How did they die?

Hints:
They did not die of an avalanche.
There were no lethal weapons involved.
No outside person came in and killed them.
The death was an accident.
No one farted and killed them with the stench. ;)

10 points awarded to the winner.

2006-07-22 19:04:42 · 14 answers · asked by Me 2