Jokes & Riddles - June 2006

2006-06-06 11:03:03 · 10 answers · asked by pimp man 1

Where did the saying "The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain " originate from ?

2006-06-06 10:52:59 · 6 answers · asked by Featherman 5

17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.

12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.

11. We put the "k" in "kwality."

10. Two days without a human rights violation.

9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"

8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.

7. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

5. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.

3. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.

2. Plagiarism saves time.

1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

2006-06-06 10:50:10 · 6 answers · asked by J-Rigg 2

any kind of joke!

2006-06-06 10:37:14 · 23 answers · asked by Eric51 2

I DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! K, I know I'm blonde, maybe there's a redhead out there that can answer it for me............Thanks! Luv you!

2006-06-06 10:31:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

If one goose is a goose, and more than one goose is a geese than why isn't more than one moose a meese? ten points to the person with the most creative answer

2006-06-06 10:30:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ramsamy never did his homework and was always in trouble.The teacher was fed up with him and decided she had enough of that. She told the class " for homework youall make me a sentence with green yellow and pink.Ramsamy, i'm watching you ,and i am not having any more excuses from you ".."Yes teacher" the whole class agreed.
The next morning, she greeted the class "Morning class, and who would like to start with their sentence ?" . All the hands went up, except Ramsamy's." Mary, please continue? " and Mary got up ."Teacher, my mommy made me a beautiful green dress, with yellow frillys and pink flowers anol". "Very good Mary, thank you " and the class clapped hands, except Ramsamy...and the teacher asked expectantly "and you Ramsamy, let us hear your sentence please ?" ...and he got up, and stuttered, and the teacher said " come here , wer'e going to the headmaster sametime" and Ramsamy put his hand to his ear , and said.... "grrrrreeengreeenn..grrrreeeenngreennn ....yellow...?..pink.!

2006-06-06 10:28:40 · 8 answers · asked by Featherman 5

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and George W. Bush.
George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then John Adams says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws George W. Bush off the plane.

2006-06-06 10:22:58 · 17 answers · asked by jake mills 2

one while a kid was at reccess his friend told himthat every adult had a dark secret." just say I know everything. eventhough you don't know they will reat in a weird way." he said. As the kid arrived home he told his mother " i know everything" the mom quikly got her purse and said " here's $20 don't tell your father" very plaesed the kid waited till hes father got home. when he got there the kid said " i know everything" Soon the father gave $40 & said "don't tell your mother. the next day as the kid arrived home he saw the mailman and decided to play the same trick. "i know everything" he said. The mailman got all emotional and said " oh come here son"

2006-06-06 10:18:58 · 27 answers · asked by jess 2

I bought some of the lil happy sticker tink tink and went around for no good money and five dollar discount at cosco's at cosco onlyif u want some and one time girls in a jar. When that happens what do u say my lil pimkls? NOW THAT'S A TWO BY FOUR TECHNO DISCO CLUB FILLED WITH NOSHRIMP AT A CAR SALESMEN!!! AND WHEN U RUN ROUND WHERE??? OPERA IS NOT ONLY ON OPERA BUT SHE IS ON OpERA!!!!LKJH AMY GIVE ME BAG MY SQUAKY TOY OR I WILL NEUTER, SPAY, AND GET U A CAN FULL OF NO MORE CHAROLOTTE, I AM READY TO MOVE ON AND NEVER GO THE MALL AGAIN WHEN I EAT SOME OLD PEA SOUP, NO WAY. when a lil' boy gets all fed up he walked down my soup and found the left run as fast as u can, omg car!!! SWERVE RIGHT NO LEFT, QUICK STOP AT JOEY'S MEAT MARKET I NEED A MEATLOAF FOR SOME OF THEM ICE SPICE GIRLS IN ASIA:"?NEVER IF I SEE THAT BOY, AND A GIRL IN A TOOTOOOTTTO? WILL they ever make a car made of 50% gas, tele, Dakota Fanning and her brother air conditioner, and some fresh no way did i say????

2006-06-06 10:12:51 · 11 answers · asked by thejonsta 1

A boy had just gotten out of shower and was getting ready for his prom. He shaved and put on cologne.There was going to be an after party so his mom and dad told him to be home before the next sunrise and he was home before the next sunrise, but with a full grown beard, how can this be ?

2006-06-06 10:11:46 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

NOT A FAN OF BASEBALL BUT THOUGHT THIS WAS FUNNY
Yankees -vs- Red Sox

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

2006-06-06 10:04:23 · 22 answers · asked by jj? 3

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to
spend the night with her for $500. So they did,
and before he left, he told her that he did not
have any cash with him, but that he would have
his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the
way to the office he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So he had his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for
rent of your apartment. I am not sending the
amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and
at home. Last night, however, I found out that it
had been previously occupied, that there wasn't
any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250.00 with the following
note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect
a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied
indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the
space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please do not blame the landlady.

2006-06-06 10:01:56 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies instantly, the son is rushed to the operating room, where the doctor says I can't operate on him, he's my son John. Who is the Doctor?

2006-06-06 09:56:43 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

26 Things the Movies Taught You...

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: “Enter Password Now.”

21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

2006-06-06 09:47:51 · 15 answers · asked by jj? 3

2006-06-06 09:19:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was these three guys and they were walking in the woods one day when they heard someone crying for help!
so they went to see who it was and it was prez bush and he was drowning so they rescued him and he was so plezed that he said he would give them anything the wanted so the first guys asked for a millon bucks so prez bush gave it to him and the second guy asked for a mustang so prez bush gave it to him. the third guy asked for a wheelchair and prez bush said "well son your not crippled why do you want a wheel chair?" and the boy replied "well sir when my father finds out who i just saved i will be!!"

2006-06-06 09:13:36 · 23 answers · asked by baby girl 1

Skeleton’s recipe for the perfect marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Her’s is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere…but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me “In the lake.”

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after

2006-06-06 09:13:12 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-06 09:13:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-06 09:06:49 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I really find it stupid to freak out on such a trivial thing as a number.

2006-06-06 08:58:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

“Oops! It seems to have come off.”
“If you come quick, I can catch the game on TV.”
“You look just like your mother.”
“You’re better than your mother.”
“Did you remember to lock the back door?”
“And to think, I was really trying to pick up your friend!”
“You carry on, but do you mind if I finish this book?”
“What’s for dinner tomorrow?”
“I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs.”
“It’s my mobile! I must answer it.”
“I can see right up your nose.”
“Oh, by the way, the cat got run over this afternoon.”
“That boil on your chin looks nasty.”
“Did I tell you my aunt Agatha died in this bed?”
“Linda used to do that.”
“Do you accept Visa?”
“It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate.”
“I keep having fantasies about Barbara Bush,”
“Did I mention the video camera?”
“Hurry up -this room rents by the hour.”
“Sorry about that -must be the baked beans.”
“This would be fun with a few more people.”
“Try not to leave any stains, OK?”
“I’ve just thought of the answer to 3 down. I won’t be a second.”
“Shall! do my impression of Officer Dibble?”
“Do you know the definition of statutory rape?”
“Keep it down. My mother is a light sleeper,”
“I see that mad axeman’s still on the loose.”
“Is that it? Can I go now?”
Things a girl shouldn’t say to a man during sex:
“And yet your feet are so big!”
“Don’t worry, we’ll work around it.”
“I guess this makes me the early bird.”
“Try not to smear my make-up.”
“At least this won’t take long.”
“I want a baby.”
“Do you know the ceiling needs painting?”
“Maybe we should call Dr Ruth.”
“Is that blood on the headboard?”
“Did I remember to take my pill?”
“It’s just a rash.”
“Sorry about the name tags, but I’m not very good with names.”
“Does it come with an air pump?”
“But it still works, right?”
“Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?”
“But everybody looks funny naked.”
“Do you smell something burning?”
“On second thoughts, let’s turn off the lights.”
“You must be cold.”
“Don’t mind me. I always file my nails in bed,”
“Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.”
“Maybe it looks better in natural light,”
“Maybe you’re just out of practice.”
“When is this supposed to feel good?”
“It’s a good thing you’re rich.”

2006-06-06 08:51:14 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-06 08:41:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry … Please warn the Pope

2006-06-06 08:36:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A vet gets a midnight phone call from a farmer. "I`ve got a very constipated cow - been like it for days, it`s in great pain, what can I do?"
Sleepy vet, knackered after working all day and all evening, says: "If you`ve got one of those small bottles of highly concentrated milk of magnesia, get that down it and I`ll call you in the morning to see how it is."
Next morning the vet rings: "How`s the constipated cow this morning?"
"Cow?" says the farmer. "I said cat."
"Oh God," says the vet, "did you give it the concentrate?"
"Yes, I got the whole bottleful down its throat, I used a small funnel."
"Oh Jesus," says the vet. "how is the cat?"
"It`s out in the garden."
"Dead I suppose?" said the vet.
"God no," said the farmer, "it`s out there with four of his mates, two digging and two filling in."

2006-06-06 08:16:02 · 10 answers · asked by c_o_e_u_s 2

• Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction

• Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!

• Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring

• Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only ******* yourself.

• An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card

• The irony of a ******** is that even if you have her at your feet she's got you by the balls.

• I'm definitely claustrophobic. I have a morbid fear of tight spaces. Thankfully, with my girlfriend, I'll never have a problem with that

• Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard

• You know it's always business doing pleasure with you

2006-06-06 08:07:11 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

2006-06-06 08:01:07 · 11 answers · asked by jj? 3

2006-06-06 07:43:22 · 15 answers · asked by dan j 1

2006-06-06 07:41:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are 3 baskets of fruit ready to be loaded on the truck. One basket has apples and is labeled "APPLES", one basket has oranges and is labeled "ORANGES, one basket has apples and oranges and is labeled "APPLES & ORANGES. When they arrive, the 3 baskets each have a wrong label. Without looking in any basket, you are allowed to take ONE fruit from ONE basket to label the 3 baskets correctly. How do you know which label goes to which basket?

2006-06-06 07:38:30 · 12 answers · asked by baghmom 4