best joke gets 10 points!?

Question

any kind of joke!

Answer 1

Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, They open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.) ask "excuse me, my butt itching, can anyone scratch it for me?" (you are holding things in your two hands)

28.) Turn against the wall and start talking to the wall.

29.) Look at your "invisivle" watch, and take your wrist and ask one of the people "Is this time right?"

30.) Start hummong really loudly like you are meditating "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

31.) start doing jumping jacks.

32.) Look at your hand and say out load "woooooow, coool" and wave your hand at the people and say "isn't it wow and cool?"

33.) Sit on the floor and close your eyes, and start snoring really loudly.

34.) Look suddenly at the floor of the elevator and start screaming at the "invisible" squirrel.

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Answer 2

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to
spend the night with her for $500. So they did,
and before he left, he told her that he did not
have any cash with him, but that he would have
his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the
way to the office he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So he had his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for
rent of your apartment. I am not sending the
amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and
at home. Last night, however, I found out that it
had been previously occupied, that there wasn't
any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250.00 with the following
note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect
a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied
indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the
space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please do not blame the landlady

Answer 3

I bought some of the lil happy sticker tink tink and went around for no good money and five dollar discount at cosco's at cosco onlyif u want some and one time girls in a jar. When that happens what do u say my lil pimkls? NOW THAT'S A TWO BY FOUR TECHNO DISCO CLUB FILLED WITH NOSHRIMP AT A CAR SALESMEN!!! AND WHEN U RUN ROUND WHERE??? OPERA IS NOT ONLY ON OPERA BUT SHE IS ON OpERA!!!!LKJH AMY GIVE ME BAG MY SQUAKY TOY OR I WILL NEUTER, SPAY, AND GET U A CAN FULL OF NO MORE CHAROLOTTE, I AM READY TO MOVE ON AND NEVER GO THE MALL AGAIN WHEN I EAT SOME OLD PEA SOUP, NO WAY. when a lil' boy gets all fed up he walked down my soup and found the left run as fast as u can, omg car!!! SWERVE RIGHT NO LEFT, QUICK STOP AT JOEY'S MEAT MARKET I NEED A MEATLOAF FOR SOME OF THEM ICE SPICE GIRLS IN ASIA:"?NEVER IF I SEE THAT BOY, AND A GIRL IN A TOOTOOOTTTO? WILL they ever make a car made of 50% gas, tele, Dakota Fanning and her brother air conditioner, and some fresh no way did i say????

Answer 4

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $10 and that continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $7,50. "Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing." A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes $5.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me $10 every day, then $7,50 and now only $5. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further." "And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."

Answer 5

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Answer 6

At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..



2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.


3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?


4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.


5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.


7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding......


9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.


10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Answer 7

One day two girls were speeding their way to the mall.
The driver was a brunette and the passenger was a blonde.

The brunette spotted a cop in her rear view mirror and immediately slowed down to the speed limit.

Then she asked her blonde friend,

"Look out the window. Are his blinkers on?" and the blonde replies,

"Yup, nope, yup, nope..."

Answer 8

3 pigs went out to eat for dinner one night. The waiter came up to them and asked what they would like to drink. The first said,"I'd like a sweet tea." The second said," A coke would be nice". The Third said,"Beer, lots and lots of beer." The waiter came back with their drinks and then asked for their meal order. The first said," I'd like a steak and bake potatoe." The second said," I think I'll have the spaghetti." The third pig said," Beer, lots and lots of beer." After they got their dinner, they waiter came back later and asked what they wanted for dessert. The first pig said," I want a hot fudge sundae." The second pig said," I want a banana split" Then the third pig said," Beer, lots and lots of beer." The waiter came back with their desserts and asked the third pig," If you don't mind me asking, why do you drink so much beer?" The third pig answered,"Well, one of us has to go wee, wee, wee all the way home!" :)

Answer 9

A guy dies and is standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is looking over the guys life and says that his life has been marginal and the only way to get into heaven is to answer this question: Look though the gate and tell me which two people are Adam and Eve. DO you know how to tell?................................Think about it. What do they not have that everyone else does?..................A bellybutton.

Answer 10

A guy is walking in the forest when a spirit tells him, "Whatever you do, don't eat a purple mushroom. If you do you must marry the ugliest women in the world."
So he does his best to watch out for them and avoids all of the purple mushrooms until a beautiful woman comes up to him and says, "I have to marry you."
"Why?" the man asks.
"I ate one of those damn purple mushrooms."