Jokes & Riddles - June 2006

THE FRANKLIN FACTOR:
Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.

THE RAT RACE:
If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.

THE EYEGLASS PRESCRIPTION:
Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.

THE RING RULE:
A watched telephone never rings.

THE CREEP CALL:
Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.

THE FISHING FORECAST:
They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROGNOSIS:
Love is a form of temporary insanity curable only by marriage.

THE ROPE TRICK:
Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.

MIND OVER MATTER:
No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.

THE FAULT FINDER:
The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

2006-06-12 22:54:22 · 7 answers · asked by nice_libra_guy 6

Two men went hunting. One had been hunting all his life, the other man was hunting for the first time. The old man told the other to sit down and not make a sound.

So he did. But when the first man got 100 yards away, the old man heard a scream. 'I thought I told you to be quiet!', he said.

'I was when the snake bit me,' the young man said.

'And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat or take them with us,' I screamed!'

2006-06-12 22:50:43 · 11 answers · asked by nice_libra_guy 6

a mushroom goes in to a bar and orders a drink,
we dont serve mushrooms in here the bar man say
why on earth not im a fun guy.....

1st woman.. ive heard mo has had her lips plumped
2nd woman.. i suppose they used some of the extra fat from her bottom
1st woman..yes now she really talks out of her backside

why did the prostitute put perfume on her ankles?
because she knew they would end up behind her ears

a man walks in to the bedroom holding two aspirins and a glass of water his wife asks whats that for?

its for your headache she says but i have not got a headache
gotcha he replies

2006-06-12 22:48:45 · 19 answers · asked by debbie c 2

2006-06-12 22:48:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their third floor apartment, killing him instantly.

When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.

'Well, Your Honor,' she replied coolly. 'I figured that at 92, if he could still make love to another woman, he probably could fly!'

2006-06-12 22:47:31 · 8 answers · asked by nice_libra_guy 6

Hot Revenge

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

2006-06-12 22:43:42 · 9 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning. He got to thinking about things, and asked, "Mommy, why does Daddy have such little hair on his head?"

"He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness.

"Then, why do you have so much hair?" asked Little Johnny.

"Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother....

2006-06-12 22:38:20 · 12 answers · asked by nice_libra_guy 6

I was just noticing that we have only girls jokes being read and commented. I've been posting some awsome jokes for the past few minutes and i have hardly any comments on them...hey guys out there!! grow up and learn to appreacte a good joke!!!

har har har!!!

2006-06-12 22:28:20 · 4 answers · asked by JoYbOy 4

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

2006-06-12 22:25:05 · 7 answers · asked by nice_libra_guy 6

and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you live)

2006-06-12 22:21:04 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was walking down a beach and saw a bottle floating in the surf. He thought to himself, "Oh, message in a bottle." He took out the cork and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "Thank you for releasing me. Now you may have 3 wishes -- however, I'm a special genie. I love my mother-in-law, so anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will receive double."
The man first asked for a million dollar house on the beach.
Poof! A gorgeous house appeared.
Just then -- POOF!! -- a house twice as big appeared next door and his mother-in-law was waving at him from the window.
He hurried inside to avoid her. As he was admiring his new house, he turned to the genie and said, "For my second wish, put $10 million on that table."
Poof! There was so much money, it was falling off the table.
Then POOF!! Next door, the money was flying out the windows and his mother-in-law got $20 million.
He was getting frustrated by this time and turned to the genie, "OK, let me get this straight. Whatever I wish for, my mother-in-law gets double."
The genie said, "Yes, I'm the mother-in-law genie, and that's the way it works."
After scratching his head and thinking a bit, he suddenly turns to the genie and says, "OK, for my third wish... beat me half to death!"

2006-06-12 22:13:59 · 29 answers · asked by ... 4

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

2006-06-12 22:11:50 · 9 answers · asked by JoYbOy 4

American, Russian and Burmese met and chatted in the bar once.

The American Started ’’ In our Country, the technology is so advancing, that our missiles can hit anywhere on the the earth to exactly right spot. ’’

On hearing that the Russian retorted ’’ it is impossible, becasue there are many interferences like the earth orbit and wind direction. so, the missile can’t hit the right spot.’’

The American Replyed ’’ Well, in that case, no more than two inches will it deviate. ’’

And The Russian’s turn. ’’ In our Country, the technology is so advanced, that Our Powerful Laser Gun can fire exactly right spot on the moon. ’’

2006-06-12 22:09:00 · 5 answers · asked by JoYbOy 4

A psychiatrist is visiting new patients at the mental hospital. He walks in the 1st room and sees one guy lying on his bed reading a comic book with a goofy grin on his face, and his roommate hanging from the ceiling with his face bright red.

He asks the guy on the bed what is up with his friend hanging from the ceiling. The guy answers and says “He thinks he’s a light bulb.”

The psychiatrist asks him “Why don’t you help him down before he hurts himself?

The guy answers “Because…I’m scared of the dark!”

2006-06-12 22:03:40 · 10 answers · asked by ... 4

2006-06-12 22:03:26 · 9 answers · asked by kevyn_uk 2

2006-06-12 21:58:50 · 12 answers · asked by jinnie 3

An old man visited his doctor for help with a problem.

'Doc, I don't know what's wrong, but I fart all the time. It's weird because they are silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?'

The doctor replied, 'Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come see me in a week.'

A week later, the old man came back to the doctor and he was upset. 'Doc, those pills didn't help - they made it worse! I'm still farting, but now they stink something fierce!'

The doctor replied, 'Calm down, sir. Now that we've cleared your sinuses, we can work on your hearing.'

2006-06-12 21:54:56 · 21 answers · asked by ... 4

Sherlock Holmes personally asked me that

2006-06-12 21:39:35 · 9 answers · asked by SummerLuhver 2

2006-06-12 21:37:22 · 10 answers · asked by SummerLuhver 2

While watching the FIFA world cup match other night my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and relying on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, you just pull the plug."
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Some days I hate being married to such a smart blonde .

2006-06-12 21:33:39 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

This father and son go on a fishing trip. About an hour into fishing the boy realizes he forgot to pack some bait. So he asks his dad if he can have some bait. To which his dad replies, "Can your d!ick touch your a$shole?" The boy says no and the father says, "Well, then, no".

A few minutes later the boy gets thirsty but he has no soda. So he asked his dad for a drink of his soda. "Can your d!ick touch your a$shole?" asked his dad. "No" says the boy. So his father turns him down yet again.

So his dad starts looking for his sandwich. When he doesn't find it he asks his son for a bite of his. The boy asked him, "Can your d!ick touch your a$shole?" So his dad says, "Yes, yes it can." And the little boy tells him, "Well, the go ***** yourself".

2006-06-12 21:29:27 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple was having trouble with their sex life and went to a sex doctor. The doctor examined them both and said "go buy some dounuts and cherries. "
the doc tells the man to have his wife lay nude spread eagle on the bed, and toss the cherry btwn her legs any that got "stuck" he would have to eat out.
Then the doctor told the wife to have her husband lay in the bed on his back with an erection, and she was to toss the dounuts at his penis and any that landed on his penis, she was to eat off. So they went home and done as the doctor said, and their sex life improved dramatically.
So the couple told their friends who were also having problems in the bedroom to go see the doctor that they had gone to.
Well the new couple went and the doc said to them "i'm sorry i can't help you", well the couple was desperate and pleaded with the doc. the doc finally gave in and said "go buy some grapefruit and some cheerios."

2006-06-12 21:27:43 · 8 answers · asked by Melissa D 4

How do you stop an elephant from charging?



ps. blame L4A if this riddle makes you wince

2006-06-12 21:17:19 · 7 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A father brings along his little daughter to the barber while he gets his haircut. The little girl is watching the barber work while she eats her Hostess snack cake. Over time she gets closer and closer to the barber’s chair where the barber is giving her dad a trim. The barber says to the girl "You’re going to get hair on your twinkie." To which the girl replies, "Yeah, and I’m gonna get ****, too."

2006-06-12 21:15:27 · 10 answers · asked by JoYbOy 4

Two blonde girls were talking and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful."Well, once a week I fill the bathtub with milk and just soak in it."

So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."

"How much?" asked the farmer.

"Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."

He asked, "Pasteurized?"

"No...just up to my boobies."

2006-06-12 21:10:29 · 16 answers · asked by JoYbOy 4

A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets.

A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?"

The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops."

"Oh, that's nice, dear," says the little, old lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too."

A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little, old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?"

She looks him right in the eye and winks, "As long as they keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em."

2006-06-12 21:07:36 · 12 answers · asked by ~Cool Lady Marie~ 3

First one to answer right gets 10 points

2006-06-12 21:02:08 · 6 answers · asked by JoYbOy 4

Did he/she make a lot of money on this fabulous idea.

2006-06-12 21:01:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Decipher the letters to get the word to finish the statement
E.g. 7 D in a W = 7 days in a week

6 B in an O of C =

I have no idea what it is!!

2006-06-12 21:00:27 · 9 answers · asked by kjay 6

Up not down.

2006-06-12 20:48:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous