Jokes & Riddles - June 2006

An Italian, a Mexican, and a Redneck constuction worker all sat down one day to eat their lunch on top of a building they were working on.
The Italian opens his lunch and looks in and says, "Pastrami again! If I get pastrami one more day, I'm gonna jump off this building."
The Mexican opens his lunch and says, "Tamales again! If I get tamales one more day, I am gonna jump off this building."
The Redneck opens his lunch and says, "Peanut butter and jelly again! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more day, I am gonna jump off this building."
The next day at lunch, the Italian opens his lunch and finds pastrami, so he jumps off the building.
The Mexican opens his lunch and finds tamales, so he jumps off the building.
The Redneck opens his lunch and finds peanut butter and jelly, so he jumps off the building.
Later, at the funeral the Italian's wife cries out, "I didn't know he disliked pastrami so much!"

2006-06-13 03:39:06 · 8 answers · asked by c_o_e_u_s 2

2006-06-13 03:13:11 · 22 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

2006-06-13 03:12:20 · 13 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

2006-06-13 03:11:47 · 14 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

2006-06-13 03:08:56 · 27 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday Buddy"

2006-06-13 03:01:43 · 17 answers · asked by c_o_e_u_s 2

2006-06-13 02:52:49 · 4 answers · asked by Wolfie 7

2006-06-13 02:42:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-13 02:39:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-13 01:54:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

any answer

2006-06-13 01:45:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.



After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers,

the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"



The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, go ahead and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.



Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.



Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out



"SH*T... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

2006-06-13 01:41:09 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-06-13 01:29:24 · 6 answers · asked by Hitumi 1

For example:I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day.It was stunning,sexy,cute & adorable.I was going 2 buy it 4 u but I realized it was my own reflection!

2006-06-13 01:24:41 · 5 answers · asked by Lydia 2

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speedingdown Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say...""And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom"

2006-06-13 01:22:53 · 7 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-06-13 01:21:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hi everybody….i am posting a few of my fave jokes here….plz rate all of them together on a scale of 10…thnxx…

1- A doctor and his wife were sitting in deck chairs on the beach when a beautiful young
girl in a very brief bikini jogged towards them. As she came to the doctor she waved
at him and said, in a huskily sexy voice “hi, there!” before continuing on her way.
“Who was that?” demanded the doctor’s wife.
“Oh, just someone I met professionally “, replied the doctor.
“Oh, yes!" snorted the wife. “Whose profession? Yours or hers?”


2-The doctor had just finished examining the very attractive young girl.
DOCTOR:- “Have you been going out with men, Miss Jones?”
MISS JONES:- “Oh no, doctor, never”.
DOCTOR:- “Are you sure? Bearing in mind that I’ve now examined the sample
you sent, do you still say u have never had anything to do with
men?”
MISS JONES:- “Quite sure doctor. Can I go now?”
DOCTOR:- “No”
MISS JONES:- “Why not?”
DOCTOR:- “ Because, Miss Jones, I’m waiting for the arrival of the three wise
men”.



3-A Scotsman was seriously ill in hospital and his last request was for his bagpipes to be played. They were. He recovered. The other patients died.


4-George was called to the doctors for a check-up, but the real reason for his recall
Was to give him some advice.
“ How many children have you now George?” the doctor asked.
“I’ve got 11 doctor, at the last count. Not a bad score for a life’s work!” George boasted.
“It’s about time you thought about your partner,” the doctor scolded. “Any more
children could kill her,” he warned.
George’s smile moved from his face as he heeded the warning. “We won’t have
any more. If she has any more I will hang myself.”
Time moved on and George’s wife confessed that she was pregnant again. When she was out doing the shopping, George fitted a hook into the ceiling and slung a rope over it. Standing on the chair with the rope around his neck, a thought entered his head whish made him remove the rope. “Hold on a bit”, he told himself. “I might be hanging the wrong man!”


5-An elderly doctor took a young partner into his practice and said, “ I would like
you to accompany me on my visits tomorrow so that you can observe my procedure, which you may care to adopt.” So the next day they set off. The first visit was to a rather plump lady, who was reclining in bed. After introducing his new partner, the old doctor took the patient’s temperature but dropped the thermometer which he retrieved from under the bed where it had fallen. As they prepared to depart he said, “ You know, Mrs. Goodbody, you would recover much quicker if you didn’t eat so many chocolates.” The patient blushed and they left. When they were outside the house, the young doctor asked the older one how he knew about the lady’s chocolate- eating habit.
“Well,” relied the older doctor, “you saw me stoop down to pick up the thermometer? Under the bed were all the chocolate wrappings.”

At the next house a very elegant lady was sitting up in bed in readiness for their visit. So the old doctor said “I’ve brought along my new partner who will attend to you this morning Mrs. Loveday.” Whereupon the young doctor proceeded to take the patients temperature and he also dropped the thermometer which fell to the floor.
As they were leaving he said, “ You know, Mrs. Loveday, you ought not take so much of interest in church affairs”.
The doctors said their goodbyes and made their way out of the house.
On being alone with the younger doctor, the older doctor asked “ how did you know that Mrs. Loveday was interested in church affairs.”
“Because,” replied the younger doctor simply, “when I went to retrieve the thermometer from under Mrs. Loveday’s bed, there was the vicar.”

*****************************************************************

6-The eminent surgeon was walking through the local churchyard one day when
he saw the gravedigger having a rest and drinking from a bottle of beer.
“Hey you!” called the surgeon. “How dare you laze about and drink alcohol on the churchyard! Get on with your job, or I shall complain to the vicar”.
“I should have thought you’d be the last person to complain,” said the gravedigger, “bearing in mind all your blunders I’ve had to cover up”.


7-It was a dark cloudy night and the drunk staggered into the cemetr and fell
into a hole which had been dug in preparation for a burial the following day. The
hiccupped and fell asleep.
Half an hour later another drunk swayed into the cemetery. He was singing loudly
and his raucous voice woke up the drunk in the grave who suddenly started to yell
that he was cold.
The singing drunk tottered to the edge of the grave and peered blurrily down at
the complaining drunk. “Its no wonder you are cold,” he shouted down to the
drunk. “You have kicked all the soil off yourself.”

2006-06-13 01:09:59 · 7 answers · asked by bmyfriend 3

2006-06-13 01:09:11 · 7 answers · asked by Kochuvava 2

the horsy slipped and fell on the flee. "oops" said the flee "there's a horse on me"

2006-06-13 00:59:44 · 3 answers · asked by a g 2

A doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit. As he is waiting in line he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and attempts to endorse a check. Somewhat aggrivated at the lack of ink , he looks down and realizes his mistake and mumbles, "great, some asshole has got my pen."

2006-06-13 00:58:27 · 4 answers · asked by Texas Chic 2

2006-06-13 00:47:02 · 16 answers · asked by myebinger321 1

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparentheart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was amess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he startedmoaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

2006-06-13 00:28:01 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-06-13 00:20:03 · 21 answers · asked by Kamen Rider 1 1

2006-06-13 00:17:13 · 14 answers · asked by Wolfie 7

I'm very hungry but i have no mony.....

what can i do.
Plez tell me.
:-(

2006-06-12 23:44:23 · 8 answers · asked by bassam s 2

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

2006-06-12 23:34:01 · 11 answers · asked by joann_xvi 4

Father visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time. Goes up & down the aisles with his son, at the local Giant Food Store.

Dad: Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??

Son: Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice.

A few minutes later, in a different aisle

Dad: Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?

Son: Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!

A few minutes later, in a different aisle

Dad: Und give a look here!! Baby Powder !! Vat a country, vat a country!

2006-06-12 23:18:16 · 8 answers · asked by nice_libra_guy 6

Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it properly?" asks the doctor, there's no going back!"
"I'm aware of that and U R not going to change my mind - you book me in to be castrated that’s it"
"Well, OK.", says the doctor
So operation is done and the nxt day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I
would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Sh*t! THAT'S the word, "CIRCUMCISED"!"

2006-06-12 23:07:07 · 9 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-06-12 23:05:27 · 15 answers · asked by Terminated 1

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his crotch.

She runs down to him, apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain. "No, thanks. Just give me a few minutes. I'll be fine," he replies quietly, hands still between his legs.

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently unzips his fly and starts massaging his privates.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well, yes. That feels great," he admits, "but my thumb still really hurts."

2006-06-12 23:03:41 · 7 answers · asked by nice_libra_guy 6