Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.

With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.

2007-12-07 11:28:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation.

The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon.

"So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks.

Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished."

His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at you least got a b-j!"

Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish."

His friend replies, "Bob, she's your damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just made her do it!"

Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished."

His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her a**?"

"Well," says Bob, "she had diarrhea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished."

His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick woman anyway?!"

Bob replies, "Well, she's got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."

2007-12-07 11:25:45 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy comes up to a woman at the office and he tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes to her supervisor to file a sexual harassment suit.

The supervisor says, "What’s wrong with someone telling you that your hair smells nice"?

The woman replies, "he’s a midget".

2007-12-07 11:21:52 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."

The clerk replies "Anything?"

"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants."

She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..."

She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

2007-12-07 10:33:34 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you are, then read this joke. I know it might not be all that funny, but I am just trying to cheer up people who are having a bad day.

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!

2007-12-07 10:26:25 · 9 answers · asked by layanne1 4

What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?


























Relative humidity.

2007-12-07 10:24:24 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please don't answer if you are going to say that it is a sad and not funny at all. Anyways, here is the joke:

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid dog. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet."

2007-12-07 10:22:37 · 7 answers · asked by layanne1 4

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

2007-12-07 10:19:18 · 8 answers · asked by ~ME~ 1

Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crimefighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman`s apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open.
Superman thought to himself : I`m faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in there, have sex and be out again before she knew what was happening. So Superman did his superthing in a split second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said:" Did you hear something?"
"No !" said the Invisible Man,... " but my a,ss hurts like hell !"

2007-12-07 10:16:55 · 10 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day.
The first one says, "My Daddy is so cool he can eat four Burgers at one meal."
The second one says, "That's nothing. My Daddy can eat six."
Little Jonny starts laughing and says, "My Daddy can eat light bulbs."
The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs.
Little Jonny replies, "Last night I was passing my parents room and my Daddy said, 'Honey, turn out that light I want to eat that thing.'"

2007-12-07 10:11:03 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why One Should Never Visit a Five Star Hotel...

Question: What would you like to have... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?
Answer: Tea please.

Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?
Answer: Ceylon tea.

Question: How would you like it? Black or white?
Answer: White

Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?
Answer: With milk.

Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk
Answer: With cow milk please.

Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: Um, I'll take it black.

Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer: With sugar.

Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer: Cane sugar.

Question: White, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead.

Question: Mineral water or still water?
Answer: Mineral water.

Question: Flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: I'll rather die of thirst.

2007-12-07 10:10:04 · 10 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong.

He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.

"Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"Because the sh!!!t is running down my back!"

2007-12-07 10:04:39 · 11 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

line 1

NMN MNMNN NMMNNM MNMMMNNM

line 2

nnmnm mmnmnmn nmnmmn mmnnmn nmnm

2007-12-07 09:58:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was taking a true-or-false college exam. Her professor sees her flipping a coin, so he askes her "What are you doing?" She replies, "I the probability of getting a true or false answer is 50/50. The probability of getting heads or tails is also 50/50. I decided heads would be true and tails would be false."

He decides to just let her continue. If she wanted to fail, it's her problem, not his.

Another professor knocked at the door and asked for his help. He told his pupils that he trusted them and when they finished, they should put the exams on his desk for him to grade.

A little bit later, he had come back to lock up his room. He noticed the blonde still flipping the coin. When he asked why it was taking so long, she replied, "I'm checking over my anwers."

2007-12-07 09:55:12 · 41 answers · asked by blue-eyed babe 3

What does a priest & a pint of Guinness have in common?

Black coat, white collar, and watch your a**e if you get a dodgy one!

2007-12-07 09:54:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two pickpockets are out for a walk together one evening. Every now and then, one of them stops, takes out his watch and looks at it. His companion begins to get annoyed.

"What's up with you?" he says. "Why do you keep looking at your watch? Ain't it workin'?"

"I'm not looking at it to see the time," says the other. "I'm looking at it to make sure that it's still there."

2007-12-07 09:51:38 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


I just thought this was so cute! I had to post it. :)

2007-12-07 09:25:34 · 18 answers · asked by Silent Anger 3

Because he sucks on an organ!

2007-12-07 09:16:13 · 16 answers · asked by Free Thinker, SUSPENDED! 1

I am a House of sorts of green
Inside i am red
and i am home to many babies
What am I

2007-12-07 09:10:51 · 10 answers · asked by gss352 2

If you guess my name I will give you 10 points. It begins with a D. Five letters. Start guessing. It is a unisex name.

2007-12-07 09:09:14 · 21 answers · asked by Alli_G8tr 3

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

2007-12-07 09:03:37 · 17 answers · asked by Jordan (guy) 3

I did, he was very intriguing so we had an affair. (I was orignally married) Was that wrong, and if I have a child, will it have a cone shaped head because of the lawn gnome hat?

2007-12-07 09:01:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SNOWMEN AND SNOWWOMAN?SNOWBALLS!

2007-12-07 08:50:16 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'
Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope,' she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
To which Margaret replies.........

"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

2007-12-07 08:49:16 · 12 answers · asked by victor 3

There once was a deaf couple who liked to have sex, but couldn't stand to do it with the lights on so the husband signed to the wife one night that he'd come up with a system to let the other know when they wanted sex during the night. He signed that if he wanted to have sex he'd squeeze her right breast once and if he didn't he'd squeeze her left breast twice. He then signed that if she wanted to have sex she should pull his penis once and that if she didn't she should pull it 100 times. ; )

2007-12-07 08:42:50 · 6 answers · asked by Dalton 5

ok here my one without being racist or hurting anyone

1. Your mum so black when she went to night school they marked her absent

2 Your mum so fat when she step on my dogs tail we had to call it a beaver.

send me one and the one that make me laugh most get 10 points with 5 star rating

add stars please

2007-12-07 08:37:36 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde haired girl and her boyfriend were taking a walk. Her boyfriend saw a dead bird and said "poor thing it never had a chance' so the blonde looked up in the sky and said "WHERE!? I dont see it" LOL

2007-12-07 08:36:57 · 10 answers · asked by ~Decode ♥ Me~ 3

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Na tivity Scene
> >in the United States capital this Christmas season.
> >
> >This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to
> >find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
> >
> >There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable
> >

2007-12-07 08:36:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

About then a grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."



The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."



One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.



The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"



"How in the world did you guess?!?"



The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because we were at your birthday party yesterday."
:-)

2007-12-07 08:32:01 · 18 answers · asked by Snake Eyes 6

My first is in Summer but isn`t in Spring
My seconds in Winter but isn`t in king
my third is in boxer but isn`t in bask
My fourth is in rampage and also in mask
My fifth is in pleasure and also in cash
My sixths in skinny but isn`t in mash
My sevenths in dishes and also in dish
The whole things a creature that swims like a fish

2007-12-07 08:21:06 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous